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friday 12/08/2011
the boys left the big smoke around midday on a bus headed for oaxaca (pronounced wahaka).with the sickness pretty much behind them and the promise of oaxaca being a "safe" city,the boys were pretty keen to throw the hammer around and see what happened. a greasy worker at the hostel by the name of julio was pretty keen to be the guide for the night and show off the hotspots-as long as he got a few beers out of it. while julio was taking about 2 years to get through his first corona, the lads were f***ing hooking into the piss and scoping out the local mexican flange in the first seedy packed little nightclub. apparently mexican santa only dishes out one present at christmastime and thats eyeballs.gringos were few and far between in this particular joint and the lads were copping more than the odd stare from local folk. One female told balf he had a very "german face", then julio thought he would risk his own greasy little face by calling balf john travolta. With not a great deal of success with the females it was onto the next bar which was a smoky little late-night saloon bar/diner that had more slimey little indians than you could shake a pinata stick at. upon arrival, a mexican dude wearing a rash-shirt and a micheal jones mullet started arcing up at the boys in spanish which was combatted with a wall of blank faces. a tidy wee mexican lass and her own personal translator seemed to like the look of gus, so they bowled over and introduced themselves and that was gus set for the night. guses aztec chocolate drop spoke less english than guses spanish, but julio seemed to reckon it was all kosher so the boys left justin to it. ducking back in to quickly give gus julios cell number, the boys watched casanova orsmby drop and smash a full glass handle of piss in front of his babe and silence the saloon for a couple of seconds.
saturday 13/08/2011
eddy and balf were woken in the morning by a particurlarly smug and untouchable justin orsmby as he waltzed into the backpacker room with his new girlfriend. Describing his girl as a "limpet", gus relayed to the boys his evening which had involved him booking a hotel and doing naughty stuff in the shower. He had then walked back to the hostel in the morning with his girl stroking his white arm and saying "blanco, blanco".
the lads waddled around the town of Oaxaca for the day, checking out the crazy little mexican streets with their bright coloured buildings, and cruised around the markets. Before they knew it it was time to put the hammer down again on the roof top terrace and dominate the hostels sound system with some easy listening metallica. After demolishing a box of corona and a bottle of almond flavoured tequila, it was time to grab mate julio and hit the town again. this time a bigger crew was in tow from the hostel, including an english bender who was masturbating himself senseless about what an awesome football player he was. he was keeping the females well and truly away from the lads, so the boys ended up in a crazy little bar that could have been straight from a tarantino movie. there was a live band complete with a gimp masked guitarist, and there was only girls dancing mentally on the dancefloor. the boys were pretty tired from fending off the relentless stream of hot babes that kept throwing themselves at them, so it was time to hit the scratcher-but not before balf had a spew in the toilet cistern for a goof.
sunday 14/08/2011
It was up and at em in the morning as a bus had to be caught again, this time the surfing hotspot of puerto escondido on the west coast was the destination. 11 hours on the bus can only be described as a barrel of laughs, but holy f*** were the boys parched by the time they checked into tower bridge hostel. the hostel was amazing-open plan, swimming pool,hammocks everywhere,palm trees, bar and the owner was a strange english motherf***er called steve who had, and still was, smoking too much weed. The lads got on like a house on fire with the barman though, a young surfer from long beach by the name of daz.
Daz spotted the beer bong a mile away, and fully encouraged the boys to bring it to the bar and get everyone wasted with it. After a solid virgin latin american session on the funnel, Daz and the boys were pretty steamrolled and ready to hit the town. sunday night was pretty big at this particular beach side bar at Zicatel break, and the lads and daz hooked in. it wasnt long before the boys were legless after drinking a s***load of "cuba libres", and it was time to get nude and frolick into the massive surf. Arriving back at the bar saturated, Balf tryed to chat up an ozzy girl before he ran out of stuff to say and a bald guy in his forties cut his lunch. At stupid oclock, the boys had lost Daz and it was time to head home to the hostel. Some-f***ing-how (no-one knows), a single mother of the mexican flavour had ended up in the boys taxi and made her way back to the hostel. she wanted to drink more, so the old kiwi help-yourself-attitude that was masterfully perfected on the previous years school bus trip was employed on a bottle of tequila behind Daz s bar. after this everyones memory gets a bit shaky, but the lads remember being naked in the pool with the solo mama as the sun came up, but not before filling the pool with urine, spew,baby batter and a nose bleed.
monday 15/08/2011
the weather was f***en s*** on this particular day pissing down with rain, so the boys just slept and played with themselves until it was time to throw the hammer down again. The lads met up with a couple of other garys called fez and tom at dazs bar and the old funnel took a hiding once more. a big crew headed into town with the promise of a doozy of a night and f***loads of babes to sift onto. daz the barman was absolutely ham-samboed and pissed all over the bar about a dozen times in an attempt to urinate on french-yank tom. Gus managed to gain the attention of a lusty wee mexican bird yet again, but was forced to do some homosexual dance moves in front of eddy and balf who were less than impressed. after ducking down the beach for another swim in the massive surf it was back to the bar where gus astaire had arranged a group of girls to take all the lads back to their hotel for a swim in their pool. when the boys arrived, there were a couple of italian fabio f***wits using intellectual conversation on the girls which put eddy balf and gus at an immediate disadvantage. to counter-attack the fabios, the lads tried to impress the girls by jumping out of palm trees into the pool, getting nude, doing s*** mangeres, and shoulder fighting. these clever tactics failed to impress these thinner senoritas, but luckily there was a plan B!out of the blue a random fatty from Canada turned up with a bottle of tequila and tomato juice and was more than willing to get naked with the boys and frolick in the pool. she was the proud owner of a couple of more than adequate flotation devices, that were getting the boys a wee bit excited as she hopped in the taxi home with them. alas, it wasnt to be as the rotund chubby funster pulled the pin explaining to the boys that she was "going home to finger herself thinking about the boys kiwi c*** ".
tuesday 16/08/2011
once again the weather was s***, but the lads couldnt pass up the opportunity to hire some boards and hang ten. everyone knows that a surfboard is a p**** magnet, but this actually didnt work for the rooks as they sat in the surf and didnt catch a single wave. convincing themselves that the waves were s***, the boys vowed to try again tommorrow and so headed back to the hostel. A fairly quiet night was had by all, balf was feeling s***, and gus and eddy couldnt be f***ed heading into town to chase skirt again.
wednesday 17/08/2011
Finally the sun had f***en come out and the plan was to head to this dodgy mexican water park until steve the weird owner of the hostel pulled the pin on the trip. so the boys headed up the hill to check out the local markets and get a feed of sopes which were delicious. it was hot as f*** so it was back down the beach to hire a board and get some f***en gnarly barrels. yet again there was a limited number of waves actually ridden (0), but the beach and the weather had bought out enough clunge to put on a pair of reflective aviators. late afternoon rolled around soon enough and it was time to get to the bus station to catch the overnight bus to san cristobal, which was a casual 11 hours.
thursday 18/08/2011
the lads managed to snatch a few Zs on the bus amidst a mess of greasy bean-eaters, so werent feeling too bad upon arrival in san cristobal. checked into a hostel and headed into town to see what the go was. the lads were dead set keen on purchasing some ponchos and cowboy hats for the afternoons horse trek, and after a bit of haggling with the native indians in the market, got some sick getups. the lads were warned before going to south america not to attract attention to themselves at the risk of being kidnapped or mugged, but this advice went out the window when three of the biggest gringos wearing the slickest ponchos cowboy hats and aviators hit up the horse trek. the scungy dog tucker horses took the boys over a hill into what was meant to be an authentic mayan indian village called chamula, but in actual fact it was a festering s*** hole filled with rubbish, street vendors and some of the slimiest natives to date. jumping back on the tick infested equine ribcages, it was time to head back to the hostel to get some beers down the fat neck. the hostel was full of non-alcoholic dirty hippies, but the hostel owner was mightily impressed with the funnel, even getting his french missus to film him doing one. heading into town the boys were pretty sloppy as they started the bar-hopping in earnest. it had been a couple of dry days for them so the parchness factor was at about grade 6. making their way to the fourth nightclub, balf had a found a mexican girl that seemed pretty keen and wanted to dance with him.he spent a fair bit of time with her but somehow f***ed it up by being too sideways. going back to hunt down gus and eddy, balf found the pair of them blocking the front door harpooning a couple of rare hispanic whale sisters. the PDA was highly amusing but the boys all managed to make it out of there unscathed, nailing some potato burritos on the way home and of course the hostel fridge.
friday 19/08/2011
the boys were still hammered as f*** in the morning as they tried to get up for a boat ride to a massive canyon. the tour group was waiting for the three peices of s*** as they hopped onto the bus and promptly fell asleep. trying their hardest to take in the scenery through glassy eyes, the boys took some sick photos of massive cliffs dropping into the river, pelicans, crocodiles and waterfalls. cruising up the river, the boat made it all the way to the guatemala border in search of dr. ropata, but he wasnt there anymore. the tour took the lads back to another famous town that they were too hungover to remember, apart from a few dog meat tacos that got nailed to combat the crippling hangovers. from here it was straight back to the bus station to catch another sneaky 16 hour overnight bus to playa del carmen.
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