I remember as soon as we were dismissed from our school assembly I rang mum explaining how I'd just found 'the one' the overseas organisation I'd been searching high and low for on the internet, in the library and through word of mouth. And so one morning I set sail, all giddy with bravery, underestimating the vast blue between the green on the map but I closed my eyes and jumped into the unknown. I never would have know back then that by applying to that charity it would allow me to finally break free of all the uncertainty I held against myself, to let me stop being like every girl around me for fear of not being expected, to let go of all things that were not allowing me to be me, to be able to understand the meaning of FREEDOM.
'you are not your age, nor the size of clothes you wear. You are not a weight nor the colour of your hair..' Growing up I only thought of love being applied to others I knew. Or saying 'I love..' and finishing the sentence off with a word of non importance, no long term value in life yet it made me smile for that brief moment. Yet suddenly by opening my eyes to brilliance in just ordinary moments I actually felt l-o-v-e in a different manner, beginning with appreciation. When you have so much, you worry more. For the first time apparent important things were taken from me; TV, running water, electricity, a toilet and then when you're left with nearly nothing you become happier than you were before. Your thoughts aren't enclosed with meaningless annoyances of not having a phone charger, your thoughts allow you to slow down as you aren't rushing to catch the next episode of a soap opera, you thoughts allow you to see the bigger picture, your thoughts allow you to witness life. After appreciation is awakening. When you witness poverty you become silent. When you care for a new born baby that's been brought into an orphanage from a rubbish heap you become silent. When you witness children being beaten for the wrong answer in class time you become silent. After awakening is passion because when go through each day in a small village in the middle of Uganda you know all you want to do is help, you path in life is set out. You find your passion in life and will begin to set forward in achieving that anyway possible. Finally after passion is yourself. '..you are the future you dream of. You are made of so much beauty but it seems you forgot when you decided you were defined by all things you were not' I LOVE YOU, Emma. I LOVE YOU, life.
Living in a country when 'a million faces pass my way, they're all the same, nothing seems to change anytime I look around' it's difficult as I feel like nothing feels real. I surround myself with people I don't really care for in a bar, I look at the whitening beauty products, I watch the people looking me up and down as I'm 'fatter' than them and I understand what doesn't make me happy. Maybe I should have left earlier as 'so many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation' But I left knowing I'd never do that again. There is no reason for me not to be happy. The moment is now, we are in control. HAPPINESS. (double happiness)
For loving my job and students it wasn't easy to think about myself but I had to. 'Someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly, you'll find yourself and that, and only that can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life' Uganda was the happiest hour of my life and I won't let anyone or anything take that away that moment when found myself. I won't allow anyone or anything to put me back in that uneasy mind set I had when growing up in England. 'life is too short to spend another day at war with yourself' STRENGTH.