The worst month ever
Ok so 11 years of marriage gone because Debbie doesn't love me anymore.
I guess it's time to take a big look at myself. Yes I've not been the most loving husband but I've not so much as looked at other women in the last 10 years. I did for dome reason in our 1st year but was never unfaithful just a kiss in a nightclub! Why I dont know I really can't remember but I think it made me realize I loved deb in some strange way.
Poker I loved it, deb loves watching the soaps and big brother etc so I used to play poker on the laptop. I never realized I was getting hooked on it until six months ago I asked deb why we don't touch or make love or anything and she said it was poker. She still loved me and if I stopped she would stop going out and we would be able to sort things out. Well I stopped instantly but the nights out and an already six months of texting 100 times a day carried on for her. I didn't know it but my marriage was already over she was just planning how to get rid of me in the quietest way. Ie six months trial separation whilst I had no idea what was going on!
I've had 2 bankruptcies the first before we got married the second just over a year now. Why...... Because I'm crap with money. I don't spend much on myself but im happy to give it to my loved ones I guess I just like treating people I care about.
So now I have probsbly made another stupid mistake in my life.
I've had the worst month ever and have contemplated suicide because I really cant cope. The only thing that keeps me going is Holly and Matty. I dont know whats changed in me but for once i cant imagine life without them and now im losing them as i have to leave my home because its in debbies name.I can't sleep I'm losing weight and I'm 50 next week. I have not made many friends up here as I always thought deb and her family would be part of me forever and that's all I ever wanted.
It feels like i started life on my own ( adopted by parents I never got on with) and now 50 years later back on my own again.
But what to do now.
Ok she doesn't want me she seems to have possibly another man although it could be over now and she may be just text buddy again ( how stupid do I sound) but it helps me to think that way as I've tormented myself for long enough.
Back to the mistake I'm using most of my wages to go on a holiday in Thailand as recomended to me by a friend at poker who has a bar out there. Now I've lied to deb and said it's Malaysia because Thailand has such a bad reputation for girls etc.
I don't want to go somewhere where people will ignore me as Billy no mates I want somewhere lively (and sunny) where there should be lots of other English guys in similar situations who I can hopefully make friends with. Ok attention from pretty girls might help but I know most will be after money and I really a: don't want to catch something and B: I'm still too much in love with Debbie to go with someone else. I wish I wasn't but what can I do?
So the mistake is I have bills to pay and shouldn't really be spending about a grand but I can't sort myself out and hopefully this might kick start my life again. I've booked the flight for tomorrow Thursday 25th august 2011 and I'm so nervous because I'm not into doing things on my own I always seem to want someone by myside but as I guess I'm going to be single for a long time ( my choice by the way) I have to start somewhere and I've always wanted to travel. I earn good money so I should be able to get a knew home in about a month or so and in the mean time split myself up with hotels on work nights chris my mates house in Harlow and hopefully Saturday and Sunday's at home with the kids as a babysitter as I have to say I've moved out so that Debbie can claim money as she doesn't even earn enough to pay the mortgage.
So tomorrow I fly today I need to get haircut buy a rucksack as debs nicked mine ( she's on the @family holiday in Cornwall only I'm now Paula the bad influence who also wants to split from her husband)
I miss the kids like mad but I asked deb when could I see them if I didn't go away she said I quote:I'm not ignoring you i just dont know what to say. Go away and have a good relaxing holiday. Move in with chris and come and see the kids at the weekend and i'll stay with claire or paula. try and save some money and get yourself a little flat or house and the kids can stay with you as and when you want.
Didn't make much sense to me but that's what made me book the flight and go. I already had the week booked off from work and didn't want another week of arguing. I guess 2 weeks apart for us might soften debs anger a bit. She's angry because I spent the last month checking up on her trying to prove she had an affair and basically just tormenting myself. It all came to a head when I tried to snatch her mobile off her and it ended up in a wrestling match which Matty saw at 1:30 in the morning. Now Deb said I hit her wrist and she did have bruises all on her arm but if you touch deb she bruises. I don't think I hit her but I can't say 100% I didn't. Why would I hit her arm when I was strong enough to remove the phone from her grip. Anyway she made sure the whole world new I "hit her" and had me arrested on the Saturday. I was locked up briefly but then deareested when they realized I had turned up voluntary and that deb didn't want to press charges (thanks a lot deb)
On Friday steven her big brother came round and read me the riot act telling me it's over and to get out of debs house. Yes stupid me it's in her name even though I've paid the mortgage for ever.
So back to today haircut don't want to go to Pauls for it as he knows deb and I still can't talk about things without getting upset like a big girl : why? I don't know I've always been quite emotional and managed to avoid funerals etc until the last few years when debs brother mum then dad all died and yes I cried each time. Especially her mum and dad because I really thought they were my parents too and I loved them.
Ok so I'll find somewhere when I go shopping today and then the journey can begin. Can't believe I'm lying here in our bed on my own as usual at 8:30 in the morning crying as usual writing this. Please god I grow some balls very soon and get a smile on my face.:)

Well it's mid day on Wednesday I go tomorrow. Just sent a text to holly thanking her for a postcard she sent. Debbie then started about money and managed to create an argument out of nothing via texting. Why does she do this sort of thing especially when she knows I'm going away to try and sort myself out.
Still BOLLOX to her let her get on with it I'm bigger than that now for this next week it's Debbie? Debbie who
My haircuts short and I've got some Thai money.
Thursday morning 5:10
Took a sleeping tablet last night so woke up just. Feels good to have a nice sleep. Spoke to the kids last nightfor 10 mins and they were quite chatty. I really miss them but must now look forward to my holiday and remember they will be happy with a more chilled dad when I cone home next week. I love them so much thank you god as they feel like the perfect gift, the one true thing I am proud of.
Oh well best get up now ----- the journey begins.
6:00 I'm at crewe train station as i walked down the steps I wished deb was with me (yes give me a gun I'll shoot myself) hopefully when I walk back up them in 10 days I'll be glad she's not. Why do I want her when she is so cruel to me? Last nights texts from her were simply unforgivable and full of hatred why????
Still it's not raining and I'm sat on crewe station waiting for the 6:33 to Manchester airport terminal 2. Stations well dingy just a few people rushing around off to work I guess. Unlucky them eh
Note to self: do not read above anymore on holiday as it will piss you off just look forward.
>> just had email with details of my posh pick up from Bangkok. The picture of the minibus looks quite classy with huge seats and aircon. Wonder who else might be on it. Maybe 6 blonde models on a photo shoot or an old girl who probanly helped build the bridge over river quay I'll let you know:)
Oh well back to the sun newspaper and wait for my train.
Ok on the train 6:33 to the airport hmm it's 6:35 not moving yet. Only about 3 people on it. Some guy keeps sighing really loud wonder if he knows I can hear him. Aren't people's habits funny me I know I always clear my throat before I answer the phone and I cough if someone goes to light up a fag ( not so much nowadays as it's banned almost everywhere) yuk just thought I bet smokings aloud in Thailand pubs etc. Oh well no problem. Come on train get moving I have a flight to catch. Just had announcement train delayed for about 5 more minutes guess what mr sigh just let out a real depressed whopper lol.
8:40 I'm in the departure lounge waiting for gate to open. Surprisingly easy so far. Straight through check in no queues straight through customs but had to take my belt off!!! Don't they know I've lost weight, look pretty stupid going through customs with me pants round me ankles.
Not nervous about flying although it has just dawned on me my last flight was eleven years ago on me bloody honeymoon can't remember her name though.
Oh well.
9:12 I'm on the plane seat by window beautiful hostesses think things r going quite well so far.
Oops just crashed only joking,
Wonder what my meal will be I didn't understand anything on the menu so I ticked "bland meal" doesn't sound to appetizing eh.
Have a window seat and empty seat next to me it just gets better. I have a tv screen in front of me with all kinds of entertainment. It's 6 hours to Doha where I wait 2 hours for next flight.
Were delayed now for 30 mins due to Manchester air traffic control. Must remember to take video of take off for the kids as there dying to go on a plane.
7 hours it took to qata I'm now back on the next flight the 21:00 to Bangkok. I've got a window seat at the front no one in front of me but no tv either. Never mind these seats look like there proper recliners so 6 hours Kip hopefully. Met a guy from America at qata who wanted to know all about the riots!! Well done tottenham.
Oh well phone off now I've text the kids goodnight hopefully debs told them.
I do miss them but hopefully I'll come back a happier dad which has to be good for them.
Arrived Bangkok 8:00 am Friday ok got picked up with another guy called Geoff at the airport he's at my hotel. It's his 15th visit and I've aranged to meet him at mid day in a local bar he says is good. It's a bit early but I'm on holiday. Rooms good with aircon but the town seems a bit of a dump!! No time to explore yet though as just had English breakfast in hotel bar and it's now 11:50 so I'm off to the pub!!!
Oh dear the bar was shut just had a walk round what a dump. Given the choice I'd go home now what have I done. Well I'm stuck here till Saturday week so best make the most of it. Having a few beers in hotel bar on my own then I think I'll go bed as had no real sleep for 24 hours.
Saturday 27th Aug 2011
Don't want this to be a depressing write up but I walked all over the place last night and must have been approached about 20 times by women happy to sleep with me. Part of me says go on have some but a huge part of me knows this is wrong and I'm a father with 2 beautiful kids that I want them to be proud of me and I guess this holiday is more about thinking about changing my life for the better. Perhaps if there is a god then this would be a good test of character.
It's 5:45 in the afternoon and I've been in my bed since 1 in the morning. I guess the jet lag has helped me sleep didn't need any tablets!!
Still haven't found Jeff don't think I'll bother as his probably got the same attitude as the rest of the blokes here. Not much chance of making a friend with a girl as what normal girls going to talk to a single white guy here. Think I'll try and find a sports bar as it's Saturday and maybe they will have the footie on. Hope the kids are ok they are on their way back now from Cornwall. I wish I had had time to sort the garden for them but it's debs dogs that have s*** everywhere and now I'm losing my home I guess part of me says let her get on with it Especially ss she left the house a mess everyday and I tidied it up each time. I guess I sound childish and bitter but given the chance I'd give her everything and help her but she would just laugh in my face.
17:50 now suppose I'd better get up.