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The George Michael Incident
Kunming Hemp Bar, April the something
The hemp bar was on an upper level of a sort of shopping mall, with a few other clubs as well, and they all shared a communal toilet, which even put the toilets on the Yangtse boat to shame.
They were horrific, so i made sure i went as little as possible, but decided i needed one for the road.
I had a head that i thought was going to burst, and i was also very merry, so i staggered off in an oblivious blurr as you do.
As i got in, there were 2 urinals, and a little chinese bloke stood next to the one in the corner smoking a cigarette.
So i pulled up next to him and shall we say, unleashed the beast.
Now, i don't actually like going in public if there is anyone around, and if it is too busy, i am one of those people that develops stage fright and i can not go.
But over here, the "squat" toilets are so awful, plus, unless you are a good shot, you end up with most of it splashing on your shoes
anyway that is enough background information on my toilet habits.
Well seeing as i was wearing flip flops, plus was hammered, plus had a headache i could not care less, so concentrated on the task in hand and tried to build up the all important back pressure.
Just as i felt that all important stirring in my loins, i had a whisper in my ear............
"are you gay ?".
the loin stirring stopped immediately i can tell you, and i looked to my side to see the little chinese guy in a pose that reminded me of d*** emery when he used to do his "ooh you are awful but i like you" impression.
So there i am, stood holding my john thomas, with my mouth wide open, looking at this guy biting his little finger and grinning like a chesire cat as he is leaned forward staring at the frank and the beans, thinking all his christmases had come at once.
Well half of me could not blame him, as i am obviously highly desirable, and had also had a bit of a lucky run that week, (with a girl obviously) so i must have been giving off some extra pheromones.
So in more of a state of disbelief, and being a lover not a fighter, and also with him being so camp and small even cliffy could have beat him up, with or without his ninja moves as witnessed on youtube (type in "p*ssed in monte carlo" in to the search box),
i told him
"no i am not gay, now go away"
with a super camp look of dissapointment he moved away and i once again focussed on the task in hand, knowing i would never last in the taxi til the way home.
Well.
i am sure we have all watched ET at some point in our lives, and can recall very clearly the scene where he wants to go home, and produces the famous finger glowing, and he points very slowly to the sky.
so there i am focussed, just getting ready to go again, when i see this ET like finger come out of nowhere moving slowly across the pan towards my crown jewels.
The cheeky little ******* was only bent down beside me trying to reach accross for a feel.
if i had let go to hit him it would have gone everywhere, so i just shouted at him.
"f*** off before i hit you. i am NOT GAY!"
finally he got the message, and stormed off in a hissy fit in to one of the cubicles, and i returned to the beer garden with the same dazed look as everyone else, but not from the drugs.
Having shared my story with such caring and considerate people,
From now on, instead of people saying hello or good morning, i am now greeted with "allright cock?".
yea very funny.
Next installment, Lijiang and the Tiger leeping gorge
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