Egad! Has it been that long? I'm actually long past Tahiti now (left early an' all) but what the hell. Have a guide to the odd little place in the form of a silly analogy...

Most of you, I know, have not been to Tahiti. There are many reasons why this should be the case, mostly connected with it being very expensive, very far away and populated almost entirely by honeymooning couples and rich snobby Frenchies.

On the whole, you are more au fait with the French national rugby team. Which is lucky, because, in a crass, drawn-out and above all pointless way, they're pretty much the same thing.

When they feel like it, the French rugby team are the most beautiful sight in the game. In their stride, they make other teams look distinctly amateur, they possess a spark no one else seems to have[1], such that everywhere appears to be awash with majestic blue[2].

However, it's not always like this. The French team is notoriously temperamental[3]. Dark clouds overcome their faces, they blow hot and cold[4], they give up and sulk around until they feel like playing again, which might not be for quite a while.

This in itself is not enough to significantly damage the team's allure. The Brazilian football team, for example, can be equally hit-and-miss, yet only the sort of people who liked Ally McBeal (i.e. freaks and females) can fail to hold them in the highest esteem.

However, and this is where this already arid analogy finally dies out, one can't help but notice that the French team, aptly indicated by the crest on their shirts, are c*** , and in the end, everyone rightly prefers New Zealand[5].

[1] When the sun's out, parts of Tahiti shimmer with a tranquil turquoise sheen, a beauty all but unmatched over the face of the Earth. Nowhere else looks like this; not even Fernando de Noronha.

[2] Tahiti's all blue and stuff.

[3] Tahiti, being tropical, is prone to some of the most inclement and changing weather in the world. It's a hot-spot for hurricanes.

[4] Okay, it never gets cold here, but it does get cloudy and the crappy weather can last for up to a month at a time.

[5] Tahitians are rude. New Zealand - another part of the world. Close to Tahiti. Taken in isolation, not as stunning as Tahiti, but all-round a much more consistent and cool place to be. The people are much nicer too.