With windy Wellington still blowing about my baffled brain and the effects of a night in the only Welsh bar in the southern hemisphere (fittingly situated in a former public toilet) still giving me reason to complain and curse like an angry Glaswegian who's hammered a nail into his hand, I made my way into New Zealand's South Island. The South Island is a lot like the North Island, only exaggerated. Where you can jump off stuff in the North, you can jump off bigger stuff in the South. The scenery in the North is spectacular; in the South it's mind-blowing (especially in Fiordland and Mackenzie Country). The people may seem a bit weird in the North, but compared to the hirsuit humourmongers of the South's West Coast, they're as normal as people with proper careers, mid-sized homes and 2.4 children. And where the North Island offers enough activities to mangle your mind and belittle your bank balance, the South will send your head to the Hacienda and your wallet to the wastepaper bin. Luckily, the time for paying for fun is when you're fifty and have forgotten what the word means and when glacier hikes, skydives, ludicrously high bungies, jetboating through canyons at 80km/h with your head a metre from the rocks, luging, kayaking, throwing yourself swinging backwards into a canyon attached to a cheap plastic chair and hurling yourself down some rapids with only a plastic oven tray to hold on to just don't seem like such good ideas. It's not all dumb-ass stuff down south, however. Relaxation is bounteously available in the form of whale-watching, swimming with dolphins, scenic cruises and train rides, fine dining, a dozen of the most stunning walks in the world, the best club rugby competition on the planet, or simply the age-old sport of sharing Aussie jokes over some exquisite NZ beer. New Zealand frickin' rocks. Except for Christchurch, which is basically the aesthetics of England with the charm of Milton Keynes. Christchurch does, however, have an airport with lovely lovely people and regular flights to other places. Onward etc...