How I lost my man card, how I gained it back and how you can too.
Let's be honest fellas relationships are usually more give than take. There is a fine balance that must be captured and maintained throughout those relationships less we become mindless robots who look to our female companions with just one question. Cardboard or plastic? Some of you men reading this blog won't even get the chance to ask, because you will be told straight up which "type" to purchase. I've seen it happen a hundred times; you tell your wife or girlfriend (either way they are the boss) that your running to grab a pint and what do they hit you with? The T word. The most dreaded phrase in all of mandom. "Honey grab a box of tampons."
Your blood turns cold, you smack yourself in the forehead and you slam your eyes shut. Now what? Well I asked, cardboard or plastic? I am instantly ashamed. What has happened to me? Where is my man card in all of this? What other things have I done on autopilot!? I ran to the bathroom tears streaming down my face. I'm horrified, devastated, on the brink of what I feel is the total loss of my masculinity. I reasoned with myself in the mirror over and over judging out my options. I pretend to be Jaclyn and yell at my self to see how well I can field those questions.
"Ok" I says. I'll tell her I forgot. I know in my mind if I use that the backlash is going to be immense! I'll hear about it for months and when I ask her for chips and guac she will "forget". Obviously that one is going to bite me in the rear. I know! I'll tell her I have to meet the guys for a bit and that I won't be home soon enough! No, wait. That will only work if the situation is urgent. I'm not sure though so I will have to be covert about this. I go to the chocolate jar and see how low it is compared to yesterday. I gasped! Oh sheet! I look at the ice cream in the freezer...empty. Ahhhh. I listen into the bedroom...I hear music. It's a horrific song titled, "call me maybe". Appetite for chocolate is way up, the horrible music selection, oh boy this is urgent. This might actually work!!!
Jaclyn walks out of the bedroom I'm in the kitchen and she catches me dead in my tracks. "oh great you haven't left, could you grab some chocolates....and some ice cream?" "Also baby could you grab a heating pad?"
Slap! I send my hand straight to my forehead again. "Well honey, I'm actually gonna meet the guys for about 20 minutes so if you realllllly need the requested supplies in a hurry you might wanna run to Jewel and grab em" Her eyes look up to mine with a stare that would minimize stone cold Steve Austin to the fetal position. "Why you meeting the guys honey?" "Well you know dear just man stuff" I say. "Oh, like what kind of man stuff" she responds. I am thinking at a hundred miles a minute at this point. I know I have to speak fast. See, responding slowly to a woman who is on or near her (p word) is a sign of weakness. It is also a sure fire way to get extra chores, and or stabbed. I blurted out "karate!" "Karate?" she says.
"Yeah well you know Jake right, he has been pounding Millers all day and asked us to come watch him karate chop a 2x4 in half." Jaclyn looks at me with disgust but she understands. Then she hits me with it. "Take a video with your phone I want to see too." "Of course, "I say.
I head out the door thinking I'm off the original hook now onto an even bigger one! Now I have to talk Jake into karate chopping a board in half if he is even home! I pick up my phone and call Jake. I say, "Hey man I was thinking, what if I brought over a couple of Millers and you try to karate chop a 2x4 in half?" He instantly hangs up on me. My chances are over, my plan is foiled, and my man card is going to be promptly revoked. The guys may not know but I will. I call the wife..."Hey honey Jake chickened out Haha guess I'll be able to grab that stuff after all." She instantly hangs up on me; she knows, they are all gonna know! Oh no.
I go to the store grab my pint and the lady things. The cashier laughs as she notices a mixture of feminine products and a lone bottle of whisky. "Rough one huh?" I couldn't even respond, the best I could do was shrug my shoulders and let out a groan. She hands me a coupon for a special on make up the coming weekend. "Thanks," I said as I casually held out my hand to receive the wondrous gift she had bestowed upon me. As I walk out I bump into Jake, "what they hey man you hung up on me!?" "Yeah dude when you said millers I jumped in the truck and thought it sounded great!" " I don't know where in the hell you came up with this 2x4 idea though, what are you stupid?" "Well Jake that was a golden opportunity for us but it has passed now, catch you later man." "Wait" Jake says. "What's that in your bag there"? "Are you buying what I think your buying"? "Is that...tampons!?!?" I reply, "Well I was I gonna put them in your mailbox since you wussed out on the 2x4 idea." "Right", he says "nice try."
What came next was the worst single thing one man could say to another. The words came out like a slow motion NOOOOO from just about any 90's era sports movie. "Give me your man card," Jake said. The feeling of utter defeat, and failure came across my mind, but was quickly followed by a flash of brilliance! "Wait a minute here Jake, your masculinity is so badly threatened that you can't buy tampons?" "Tampons fix problems; we are men, we fix problems, therefore I buy tampons." "Do you realize that by recognizing the signs (sobbing during commercials, massive chocolate consumption, occasional death threats) that you can do just as I am doing now?" "My God man, it's preemptive strike, it's preventative maintenance, I'm weakening the enemy!" "wow" Jake says. "I never really thought of it that way." I quickly cut to the chase " Of course you didn't Nancy you were too worried about your fragile masculinity!"
Jake handed me my man card with tears in his eyes and headed towards the beer aisle. So men reading this blog, here is what you need to know. When your rites of passage are about to be reversed, and the all mighty hand of fire ants is about to be re-administered remember this! Turn the situation around and use the situation to your advantage! Was I a man out buying tampons because he was told to? Hell no! I was on a mission, I was in attack mode. I knew if I didn't get smart about my weapons I would surely lose. I came home with chocolate, tampons, ice cream, a heating pad, AND red wine. As I opened the door Jaclyn was sharpening a knife she saw me and my purchases put the knife away and greeted me with a kiss. Somewhere chakras were exploding in outer space and I swear I heard a whisper. "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."
Any man worth his coin purse knows there is more than one way to solve a problem. When was your man card threatened? What did you do?
DH Aka The Adventure Junkie