WARNING. This blog does contain poor grammar, punctuation, spelling, words, jokes and comparisons. If you choose to read on please do so at your own risk.

Tuesday 27 November. 2012.

Touchdown in Bangkok! Roughly about 8pm (Thai time), wow. Heat lept upon us like Scooby would Shaggy, the layers slid off us like butter and immediately we regretted suiting and booting in what could have easily been perceived as eskimo attire.

Sound advice was given regarding transportation in Bangkok so the first mission we completed was arranging a pre-paid taxi, which we handled like a boss. Now, Jake and I had to anticipate we'd have problems but my oh my not this soon. Learning right from the off that this was our first time to Thailand, let alone Bangkok I don't understand how a taxi driver (who we discovered had lived the city 14 years) could scoop up enough audacity to ask for directions and be generally miffed when unfortunately, we couldn't provide. Eventually, he did his job.

We finally arrived at our hostel after defending the bags like they were a piece of our own anatomy, Khao San Road is not a safe place at night. Hours were lost as we used and abused time zones like a private domestic, by the time we located 'Top Inn' it was roughly 8.30pm. Bags down, cold shower, Jakes hair and the mirror were already acquainted by the time I'd figured out why there was no loo roll (the answer is something Lionsgate couldn't even swallow) and off we went.

Trying to stomach the smells and sights we experienced was a more than formidable task. The nostrils were busy trying to withstand what can only be described as a festival portaloo left to rot over fifty years, meanwhile the iris' were attempting to process the fact people were having a boogie whilst an elderly Thai woman with no legs and literally one arm just sat there, begging for the pound sterling equivalent to less than a penny.

In an alleyway just outside the hostel we stumbled across 'Harley Bar'. A fascinating, tiny but humble hut with no more than eight seats. Two Singha beers were ordered totalling two hundred Baht (four pounds) and then we experienced it, our first piece of the corruption puzzle. I saw the barman walk in our direction with a calculator and I noticed he wasn't Pythagoras, something wasn't right. Crouching down beside me he presented us the calculator (Casio, very nice), fairly descreetly he pulled the number machine out of the way revealing a massive bag of marijuana. An awkward moment then occured with him looking at me with a salesman grin and puppy dog eyes trying to break me with his 'innocence'. As much as we liked the idea of being locked up in Thai prison losing our dignity over and over again each and everyday we had to kindly decline, he understood and thanked us. From there the friendship blossomed.

We said goodnight to Ped (our drugdealing barman) & his boss, a man who just sat at a table collecting all money made and keeping an eye on who did and who didn't purchase his drugs. We didn't know his name so we labelled him Kim Jon Il. En route back to the hostel I nipped down a back alley to have a quick wee but before I could even reach for my flies I felt an almighty yank on my right shoulder. I spun round to see two Thai law enforcers staring directly at me ready to pounce. We chatted the best we could but honestly the language barrier could have defended Jake and I from the most cultural of bears and the conversation was spiralling downwards. They said something they knew I wouldn't understand and so proceeded to Pad (Thai, awful pun) me down in the most aggressive of all means, I can understand one prod to the belly but I think they were just doing it to count the ripples. At the end of the day if they don't take my money they can pretend it's Play-Doh for all I care. Of course, don't get me wrong they found nothing but they did have a good long hard look at the notes in my wallet, maybe expecting a tip? Didn't happen.

Right, in all honesty I've just returned to the draft blog after a month and can't remember where I was heading... I had a great time in Thailand and you'll just have to ask me all about it when I return.

Peace & love.