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UM PHANG
Um Phang is the only place on Earth that has ever led me to experience a true feeling of delight at the sight of a Western Union sign. Not because I had an overwhelming desire to exchange some travellors cheques might I add, but because it was the only sign in Roman script and which reminded me that I'd not been mysteriously transported to another planet.
Um Phang is the type of place that would make Roysten Vasey, seem positively normal. I felt like such an outsider on my one and only forray into the village centre that it gave me a pretty accurate understanding of what it must have been to be black in 1950's Bible Belt America. So many of the Thai people are genuinely friendly and welcoming, but this tends mainly to be in the more westernised cities & heaviliy touristed areas (well they do want our money after all). Out in the villages people do just stop and gawp at you. So many times I have wanted to buy something from a shop but didn't just because a shop keeper would be staring as though I were visibly carrying ther plague.
Anyway, we didn't endure a hellish 5 hour journey clinging for dear life to the back of a van along the aptly named 'Death Highway' to sample Um Phang's nightlife (thank God) - we were here for an adventure! Most tourists head to Chaing Mai which is notorious for it's abundance of trekking opportunities, but it was agreed that heading well off the beaten track would offer a much more fulfilling experience, and we were definitely right to do so. The torturous journey to Um Phang is something of a mixed blessing in that it does help to keep out the tourist masses.
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Upon arrival at our guesthoue, whilst organising and paying for our 3 day guided trek, I wondered off gormlessly looking at a moth or something and had the unfortunate experience of standing on a chicken. I was so perturbed by the experience that for about 5 seconds I nearly cried and had finally come to understand to some degree Allan's phobia of chickens. It was only the next day when I realised that it was just protecting the baby chickens (that were so cute!) that I came to accept that the chicken was not the root cause of all evil, although I would have still preffered it to be skinned, boneless & wrapped in cellophane.
Later that evening, we went to a really nice restaurant and dined on the veranda by candle light (necessitated by the power cut). The food was lovely (although Em was again foced to 'enjoy' dodgy-cheese sandwich and Pringles), and even I conceded that the fish did look quite tasty. I came to the conclusion that the fish was probably caught fresh in the river that day, and as such would be free from disease and contamination by raw sewage, thus making it safe for human consumption. I took the momentous decision of wanting to try a bit and got Jamie to prepare me a little bit that was just white meat & free from those nasty grey squishy bits of brain-matter (I cut up a fish in biology - I know what goes on in their bodies) & scales. I again conceded that it was actually quite nice, but decided to stick to the pork and chicken. A bit wimpy I know, but Rome wasn't built in a day and all that.
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The next morning, our aptly named guide 'Chatty' presented himself outside our rooms and announced it was breakfast time. I'm sure he was on drugs because he was far too chirpy considering it was only 7am. Breakfast consisted of eggs, 'bacon' and 'sausage'. There seems to be some confusion in Thaland over what bacaon and sausage actually are, and whilst we questioned their suitability for human consumption, the dogs at least certainly seemed to enjoy them. As not one single person I have discussed the rancid sausages with on this trip so far has ever actually eaten one, it would be interesting to go back one day and see if the dogs are still actually alive.
TREK DAY 1
We began our excursion into the jungle and up mountains by boat. I really wanted to paddle the raft but we had 4 people to do that for us (how when this was only costing us sixty quid?). In hindsight it was probably for the best as the river was in full flood and pretty rough in places and capsizing was not an option as we would have starved. The scenery along the river was amazing - all we could see was virgin forest, vast outcrops of rock & waterfalls. The river was so high that on either side of the channel a lot of the forest was submerged in water. This led Jamie (bless him) to think that it was 'water monkeys' that were responsible for shaking the tops of the trees (and he's going to be a doctor. Oh dear).
After overtaking the Germans in our raft (ha! beat you again!) we hit the shore and went exploring in a massive cave system which was literally filled with bats. It later transpired that leaving the flip flops at the cave entrance was probably not the best idea as the 'nice soft sand' that covered the whole cave floor actually turned out to be fresh 'bat s***' as Chatty so eloquently described it. Also on the cave floor was the skin of a snake that had shredded it some time previously. It must be the most photographed snake skin ever and not even one of them came out!
After lunch which was pretty nice actually for yet more chicken, rice & god damn egg, we walked through the jungle and then along a track/road which only ever seemed to go up. It started to throw it down but the rain was actually really nice as it cooled us down. Our destination was a campsite in a clearing in the forest, and when we arrived poor little miniscule Chatty rapidly go to work erecting our tents and cooking our dinner, all of which he and the boat guys had carried. It did feel a bit like cheating but I can't say we particularly complained. Instead we went off on a mission to swim in the river. There was no way I was going in that water with healing wounds that I was battling to keep clean so I just stood on the banks being Mum and looked after the bags (protecting them from what, I don't know) and took pictures. Apparently the water was freezing anyway and I had far more fun watching everyone else stand there shivering or, in Jamie's case anyway, floating away and drowning.
Later that evening, after chicken, rice & egg, we just sat & chilled playing cards by candlelight (well there wasn't anything else to do). In addition to this, we also played dodge the mosquitos & the giant locust thing. The locust thing nearly gave poor Elle a hearty attack when it landed on her back and I can seee why - it was HUGE! I would assume that there are also some pretty hefty mosquitos flying around that campsite as well now, full as they are with MY blood! Such is the injustice of life, I covered every square inch of my body with either clothing or 100% DEET at all times and still managed to be eaten alive constantly, whilst Allan who didn't even bother wth the repellent got about 2 bites all holiday. My record for bites at one point was 35, of which 16 were across my back where my t-shirt had ridden up a bit. To this day I still can't so much as sneeze without suspecting malaria as the odds are pretty much stacked against me.
TREK DAY 2
Anyway, next morning & liberally covered in Tiger Balm for the bites, we headed off along the forest trail to find the largest waterfall in Thailand. We were a bit disappointed by it at first, but then we were informed by Chatty that we weren't there yet and that it was just another little waterfall. The real waterfall was huge and the roar it made was tremendous. Lots of picture taking ensued before I announced to Chatty that I wanted to go to the top of the waterfall. I had overheard the Germans being told earlier that it wasn't possible as it was the wet season and the path had been washed away, but Chatty clearly sensed I was being serious and said he'd take us up. The path was indeed closed, however, and the actual way we would get up the waterfall was literally just to wade through the river and start climbing. I was in my element (Jamie didn't look overly impressed at first) and before long we were half way up and soaked through, which is about as far as we could get. The visit to the waterfall was definitely one of the highlights of the trip for me, just because we got to climb up it.
After a sumptuous lunch of chicken, rice & egg, and after Alan had proceeded to photograph and catalogue every species of jungle flora or fauna he came across, we embarked on another mission through the jungl eto get to some random little village in the middle of nowhere that was occupied by traditional Karen hiill-people. Our home for the evening was a traditional open long-house and sleeping there was amazing as you could hear all the sounds of nature outside. You could also actually see said nature if you visited the outside loo. Which was nice.
Anyway, we didn't come here to live like westerners, so we embarked on a group forray into the village (read as collection of huts) to engage with the local population. We didn't really do much engaging as I don't really think we could be meithered and anyway they probably thought we were a bit mad, what with Allan screaming at the plentiful chickens & Emily carrying Elle as her flip flops had broken and there was a lot of poo everywhere, so we returned for a candlelit dinner of -yes you've guessed it - chicken, rice & egg.
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The evening's entertainment was as follows (perhaps only family members & certain friends will appreciate this):
There is a game whereby everyone sits in a circle and passes round 2 items, named a cat & a dog. One person starts off by passing the cat one way and the dog the other, accompanied by the phrase "this is a cat/dog". The receiver on either side must turn & reply "a what?" and the first person then replies "a cat / a dog". This goes on so that the chain expands around the circle, but each time it gets to a new person, the original message bounces back to the first person. Therefore, a typical flow of words would be: Person 1: "This is a cat" 2: "A What?" 1: "A cat" 2: "This is a cat" 3: "A what?" 2: "A what?" 1:"A cat", and so on. Bear in mind this happens both ways around the circle and eventually crosses over in the middle. (At family Christmas / NYE get togethers, it was always Aunty Maud who would b***** this up).
Now you may remember from a previous entry that I mentioned that the Thai word for temple is a 'Wat'. So to spice up the game, we replaced the cat with a Wat. It was then decided that the dog would be replaced with a 'What What?" in a wartime British accent jut for even more fun. This meant the flow of words now went something like this: 1: "This is a What what" s: "A what?" 1: "A what what" 2"This is a "What what" 3: "A what?" 2: "A what" 1: "A What what"" 2: "A What what" 3: "This is a What What".... Unfortunately we never did get past the changeover in the middle of the circle.
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TREK DAY 3
Straight after breakfast, the first of the elephants arrived to take us back into the jungle. I loved being on the elephant more than anything, although after 4 hours of sitting in a wooden basket needing a wee I was definitley ready to get off. I did feel a bit sorry for the elephants at first, but they did seem quite content and regularly wandered off with us on their backs to break down some bamboo with their trunks & eat it or go for a drink. I really wanted to keep the elephant and take it home with me, but I realised that it would exceed my baggage allowance and would probably be difficult to feed so I just sulked for a bit & tried to forget the idea ever came into my head.
Anyway, now we had completed our trek, we would be heading to Chiang Mai - the home of trekking - to erm, do no trekking. Winner!
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