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The definition of insanity...is to keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result....
My last few days in Sydney, I met a student for lunch and was hoping to surf...but the weather was not in our favor. I throughly enjoyed my time with her, and do hope I will see everyone I want to again...
I got a chance to go to temple with my friend Steve, who goes to a modern orthodox temple. After 3 hours...I realized why I never go. In all seriousness, before I began this journey I said I wanted to find a few things...one was a career path, a home, love, and GOD. When I said I wanted to find GOD it wasn't a literal search, but something that I could put my hands around, something that made sense to me, something that I felt I could believe in...I realized after spending the weekend with Steve and his friends, that I really enjoyed myself, it was very comfortable, cause its what I know...After growing up jewish, jewish private school, and then NY...However, being jewish is just something that is always going to be about tradition for me, and family. I have confirmed it will not be what I turn to for spiritual guidance...I find it quite ironic that this new jewish year 5770 (770) literally means..."break out"...and while the rabbi was giving his sermon, I thought only about that and started to come up with my sermon in my head..."break out"....to break away....to go till failure, to push yourself, to find yourself...to let go of what you have...to possibly get to something good...
I had a chance to go on a canoe ride with my instructor Tony from CELTA...I must say it was a wonderful morning. The canoes are not....by definition normal canoes, they are surf boards, and you have a paddle, at first I was afraid I'd fall off, but once you get use to it, I found it was really relaxing and wonderful. We paddled to a small little island, put the surfboards on the rocks, climbed up the rocks to get a great view of sydney. Tony determined this would be the spot he would come to, to do his yoga, I must agree...it was more then a fabulous spot...He had just moved house, so I got to see his new home, which was antique, vintage, and screamed my name all over it... with a fabulous backyard space, that I noticed needed a hammock to be complete...we ate bread, cheese and had some wine and then he walked me to the train station. Simple. The morning was Beautiful and just simple. If he hadn't had to get moving I could have sat there all day and been totally content, listening to his stories...totally at peace-a feeling and a vibe I haven't felt in quite some time...saying goodbye is not my strong suit, as my visa situation is weighing heavy in my planning...and somewhere inside me, I have a weird feeling I may not get the work visa to go back to Oz....As I sat on the train back to Bondi Junction, I realized my mind was spinning in a million different directions, thinking about the life I want, the home i want and possibly need, making ridiculous plans in my head, thinking of all my options, and planning for things that have not happened and may not...I had to stop myself, breath....and just appreciate what I have been able to experience, the people I have had a chance to learn from, and just be grateful...instead of making a million plans I can't control at the moment, or may never be able to.
My peace was temporarily shattered for the moment when I got a text message from Ben saying he wanted to stay In sydney and to call him. To give background, Ben has "girlfriend" or woman he has been seeing for years who is meeting him in new zealand, the idea of this trip was to take a break, and write his music and see if they could make it work. However, Ben is looking for as many experiences with women as he can get, and I cannot judge him for it, its his journey, it wouldn't be mine. He met a girl in the apt he's currently staying at, and decided to stay another week in Sydney, he gave me options...1. I could save money sleep on the sofa for the next week, while he has sex with that girl, or I could go to Byron Bay camping with some other 20 year olds, spend some more money, then buy another ticket to Melbourne to only be in Melbourne for 2 days, then wait for his other 21 year old groupies to meet us...and babysit over the great ocean road...BYE Ben. We parted ways, and I got serious about what I want, which is to get to New zealand and figure out the visa, as that will dictate the next year of my life, and my plans, of staying in OZ, Hong Kong, or the U.S.
I do believe that there would have been a time I would have stayed in Sydney for another week to travel with someone, cause I may have been afraid, but I'm not anymore. I checked myself into a private room in a hostel to get myself together for the night, no noise, no people, no Lilly, just me.
This evening I met a guy wearing a bright green jacket and a red top hat, of course he started talking to me, i'm a target for weirdos....he told me to go to the Fringe Festival...so i went to check it out and it was awesome. Over 3500 Australian independant artists in this city, and a million different performances to choose from. I went to go see ARJ Barker, comedian from San Fran, who has been on the show Flight of the Concords, laughed so hard, especially when he brought up FOX news network....and poking fun at them, which noone in the audience really got....cause, its an American thing..Got to chat with him after the show and will see him around this week during the festival, good fun. I have a lovely day set for myself tomorrow to go to a few museums, which I haven't been able to do since Italy...I could use a nice dose of art history for a change, and will be meeting a girlfriend for dinner tomorrow night that I met in Sydney....then I will just take it from there.
The definition of insanity...keep doing the same thing over and over again...expecting a different result....its so easy to fall into old patterns and live in fear, or fear of being alone, or fear of the unknown...however you get the different result, when you allow yourself to do what the heart really is crying for...
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