a quick start away in the morning meant that the boys made it to floridas state capital tallahassee in reasonable time.dropping balf off for a quiett night at his aunty and uncles, the boys
made the most of some unprecedented daylight hours and set up camp in a sensual rv park, owned by an absolute champion of a southern man called scotty. the meaning of pioneer
was re invented.. so with out balf on board we thoiught things may hav been a little quiet... not to be... the lads pur chased a million beers and got belted at the campsite..
a town that was really iunknown to most turned out to be a doozy... we taxied into a bar on the main drag to find they had pints of gin and tonic for $4... ma hooooosive
so the hammer was turned upside down.the boys headed upstairs to a bar and eddy was immediately faceraped by a local female within fifteen secconds.the usual carnage ensued with eddy sword
and greg meeting some unfriendly spooks at tthe end of the night at a burger joint.the first shooting of the trip was imminent until gregory sword and eddy jumped on the back of some
rednecks pickup and shot out of town.(see video on page)they spent the rest of the night at the rednecks house swigging tequila, waving confederate flags, pulling knives, sharing
jokes, and falling asleep to american history x.racial
balf and the latest addition to the trip, younger brother nicholas, arrived at the campsite the next morning ready to hit the road again only to find the bus couldnt leave due to a few boys
being AWOL.this time it was possible the mostly unlikely candidates on the trip- eddy wilson greg and sword.obviously the other boys were with their redneck mates, but it was wilson who didnt
show up till past 11 oclock, having fallen in love for the second time on the trip.as was to become a theme for all the boys on the trip, wilson wasnt able to seal the deal but the smile
on his dial meant that the big fella obviously enjoyed his cuddles.loser.so not being able to make it to new orleans in one day when leaving at midday, the boys eleccted to stay in tallahassee
for another evening, with the promise of thursday night being a big night for students.filling in time for the afternoon before smacking back a f***load of ales, the stinking humidity
suggested the boys should head somewhere for a swim.wakula springs was the destination just outside of tallahassee, with the possibilty of seeing some manatees, watersnakes and some alligators.
with fisher being a solo hero hooking into a few beers, he decided to jump behind the safety net into the water with the alligators etc.after ggetting fisher the f*** out there the boys had a whale of a time
swimmingg in the clear water and jumping off a two storey tower.peer pressure was the winner on the day when balf decided to jump off the tower in his bday suit.park rangers moved ridiculously swiftly
and were on balf lilke s*** to A bed sheet.the local sheriffs department was called and were therein no time.some polite talking an obvious lack of giving a f*** about dealing with
paperwork meaant the boys were out of there quicksmart, with the promise never to return to wakula springs.gutted.back at the campsite the funnel was back in action, with nick getting a taste
of the animal behaviour that had been going on for the previous two weeks.fisher slowly petering out from a solo day on the piss, woke up at about 930 with an eyebrow missing and part of his
long fringe gone.making matters worse, fisher decided to go skinhead which was the obvious thing to do before heading to one of americas most dangerous citys, new orleans.the boys headed into town
that night finding a bar that suited them.7 dollar entry fee- as much drink as your fat neck can handle.some strange bird had a fascination with balfs hair, sword did a strip tease on stage to the amusement
of all patrons, and gus and andy managed to find some lustys to take them home.only having one passion-killer between them, andy drew the short straw, and had to watch gus do some damage
and rack up another tally for the choppers.
the boys learnt their lesson from the previous day, and managed to get on the road fairly early, which was essential to make it to new orleans in reasonable time. it was about at the this
stage that it was becoming evident the while the choppers on the trip were outnumbered (5-8), they were punching well above their weight in the sex stakes and putting the snuffles to shame.this
resulted in a snuffles vs. choppers tally chart.choppers-11, snuffles-2.will keep you posted.casually smacking out 4 states in one day-florida,alabama, misissipi and lousiana, the boys cruised
into new orleans which hasnt really recovered from hurricane katrina and the crime there is ridiculous.we had been warned that walking a block in a wrong direction could mean getting shot,
so the boys were on their best behaviour.staying in an rv park with razor wire aaround the walls 5 minutes walk from the famous bourbon street, the boys managed to scum the pool out before hitting the town.
bourbon street in the french quarter, was nothing like the boys had even seen, so f***ing loud, street performers everywhere (see breakdancing video), and the best thing was you can drink
in the street. most of the lads opted for a seafood and steak resturant and to change things up and drink a few craffs of wine before heading out.. the boys made the most of the bars all the way down the street, smashing back 'hand grenades' ingredients that are not allowed to be given to patrons, a lemony sort of flavour
and a maxium of 5 a night is what they recommend before death... well it was off to the 1st bar of the evening with a live band and of course the hand grenandes which are served
in a half yard glass with a small grenade on top.. a compettion was held to throw the grenade into a basket that hung from the ceiling... a few made it in and later in the peice while we were leaving
andy was peer pressured into jumping from a chair and knocking out a good 300 of these grenades that then sprinkled the bars patrons and floor.. off out of there quick smart we were..
a huge event that is well known nationally here in the states is mardi gras which partakes in february(few are keen to come back) but the tradition in New orleans are ''beads'' basically there are
hundreds of bars that line the st also with balconys and as you walk the street people hang from the balcony willing to chuck beads down to people but (only if you show them somthing in return)..
so there were boobs all over the shop and wasnt long before some of the intoxicated lads decided to get the old johnson out for the delicious young ladys above and we were all dronwed with
beads.. so on we went with several bead necklaces around our gregory pecks.. next we moved on in to another bar which had a live band and wasnt long befoire before 13 horsecocks from
n.z made themselves fairly well known beside the bar.. gus even invited himself onto the stage and express our wants to the other punters in the bar.. some cougers in there late 30s/40s who were on
a weekend hens partymoved in on the group to investigate who we were and what we were doing.. spud started to pull out some of the finest moves since micahel jackson and a dance circle
began in no time..
Someone in the group, no mention showed his length and said ''what do u think''to some female who was totally disgusted and then run off and told the bounceer so he was removed..
the lads sorted of went different ways from here all over the show.. Old mate hutchy was gaining as much interest as tiger woods and was wrapped up by a local blondey probably
in her late 30s also and soon dissapeared.. sword balf andy and balf after hitting one more bar decided they were safe enough to walk home by themselves as there was 4 of them.. they all went back
to find a couple of the lads in the pool, fisher on the computer, sword decided to get a drink of water from reception before bed and then head back down to the bus.. instead of
going probably the shorted way back through the pool he went around the road and was absalutley stunned to see what appeared to be a white nissan maxima parked up in the reception car park,
bouncing up and down like a lttle kid on a trampoline.. in what looked like 2 occupants going at it like 2 school kids, sword ran back into the computer room rounded up nick and fisher...
we went back out to the scene of events that were unfloding like a porno.. sword went around one side of the car while nick went to the back passengers side and under
no hesitation opened up the back door to find - yes - old hutchy going hammer and tong in the back seat of this lady he met back in town... he was a little flusted and was sort of laughing at the
whole situation as he pulled a condom off himself and threw it out the door and quite skillfully threw it straight into nicks face... classic stuff.. we left the scene and
headed back to the bus.. Wilson and rich were not to be seen and later found out the next day they had ventured all around town in a taxi looking for bars and black people to
with having another night in new orleans there was no rush to get up, we had a bit of a swim in the pool and most of us though we would take in a bit of sightseeing, walked down past a
historic cemetry in french quarter which is a definate no go zone during the evening and carried on down through bourbon st which i might add was still going off like a steak in the sun at what was probably 11am
then made our way down to the missisippi river for some lunch.. another sizzling hot day and some rather good hangovers ment we didnt really feel like venturing too far, we waited for a tram to
take us out of the city and see some old remains of the hurricane and some trere lined streets with mansions lining them but with the tram taking ages then when it did arrive it was to full to get on we flagged it
so a few went back and 6 of the lads went for a look around the french quarter foir a bit only to find bourboun st again around 3 pm and with 3for1 signs outside several of the pubs
it wasnt before the rubber arms were twisted and on they went in for some coronas.. 3 for $5.50.. cant go wrong.. they had half a dozen there and decided to head back and greet the other boys for a afternoon dip in the pool..
earlier in the day spud had over heard the manager saying to her colluge ''those bloddy kiwis have scummed our pool into a brown color and knowone else wants to get in'' Sorry....
anyhow that didnt stop the boys.. sword and nick went down to the bus to collect all the remaining beers they could find on the bus which was a good 80cans and bought them back.. a
dream result for us was that the place we stayed at had this enormous ice machine that we could use so sword filled the pool side sink up with beers and filled 3 empty 24 packs with ice and coverd
the beers with ice to cool down from the sun that had been beaming down on all day.. the other dream result was that they seemed a leamnient bunch of people, 1 being that pretty much everywhere
we go especially for accomodation purposes we always say we only have 10 people not 13 or the lowest we have said is 6 and got away with it... but on this occasion the old girl
was soon to work out we had 13 and not 10... she rung the big boss about it and he said not to worry.. ha. the other thing was that we could drink cold beers in the pool/spa pool -
so that was us for the remainder of the afternoon taking over the hotel facilities drinking beers.. alll showerd up and ready for a saturday night in new orleans we knew we were in for a doozy
we all decided to meet at the 1st same bar as the previous night and go from there.. the same chaos ensued as the boys ventured down bourbon street-more schlongs out, more beads handed out
before the boys met up with cougars from the night before.success wasnt attained for andy balf and sword, as the opposing 3 cougars bailed.meanwhile down the other end of bourbon street,
eddy was wading his way through a pile of heavyweight black women.his spook rampage ended at 4, only after receiving a sneaky monkey paw down the front of his pants on the danceefloor.
a bit of a hike for the fellas the next day as they drived to make it to austin texas, for a couple of nights of beers big t***, buds and box.not quite making it the boys pulled up late
into livingstone texas and managed to sneak into a rv park for free.the luxury of a shower and a predictably sluggish feed of nachos from gus, was heaven as the boys settled in, on top of
and under the bus for a good sober nights sleep.
cruising into austin around midday was ideal as the boys searched for an rv park to set christine up in.it was about this stage that sword (the only legal bus driver on board) decide to make his debut at the wheel.discovering that rv park owners that dont allow yellow school buses in their parks
wer f***ing dickheads, the lads managed to check into a hostel which seemed pretty groovy.after an all you greasy bbq feed the boys took advantage of the hostels outdoor patio and
promptly began annoying fellow female patrons.greg was warming up quite nicely early on in the peice, so it was obvious that tonight was going to get slightly out of hand.after a night
off the piss, the boys wer all revved up and the situation wasnt helped when the first bar was serving gin and tonics at a $1.50.things started losing shape, when the boys all left the bar
and had a 13 man group rumble/fondle out on the pavement.the local constabulary, looking ubergay with their bikes, shorts and helmets, started taking an interest in our group and followed our
progress the whole evening.this didnt seem to slow greg up any, who at the next bar threw some ice at a human chodes girlfriend.the fat man attempted to have aa go at us, but some silver
tongue action that was fast becoming a feature of the trip, was employed and the boys moved swiftly on to the next bar.the neonly toxt bar was seemingly impossible to get kicked out of as the boys
threw piss and ice everywhere, fought and bit each other and destroyed the bar.mob mentality was in full swing as the bar maids set up a table for beer pong only for gus to belly flop onto
and completely destroy (see video on facebook page).the night practiccally ended when greg was finally arrested by the police, cuffed and thrown in the paddy wagon.fisher thought that it
would be helpful to wander over and take a few photos of the action, only to find himself cuffed and thrown in the slammer as well.back at the cop shop, greg slipped into something a little
more comfortable-black and white striped pyjamas-and mike and greg got their mugshots.waking up in the morning, the two lads were straight into court where their case was pretty much thrown
out.meanwhile back in town, two boys (remaining nameless), met a man who gave them some inside information about some cougars around town.leading them to a sheraton hotel room, the door was opened
by a woman who was in her fifties.she managed to lube them up with some wine before wiremu hopped into bed with her and proceeded to get balls deep.being the polite man that he is, wiremu asked
theresa if his colleague could join in the fun, and hence the first spitty of the trip.an absolute ripper of a yarn for the lads the next morning.
some great yarns were had by all in the morning, one hell of a night.once again balf found himself wet in the morning, this time on a top bunk and drowning his phone in the process.
kickstarting the day in great style at a chinese buffet joint with some sweet and sour dog and the likes, most of the lads were too fuct to do much except for sleeping at the hostel.
great travelling.the stinking hot humidity didnt deter wilson balf eddy and preston from venturing into the city to buy some cowboy boots.heading into cavenders boot city, wilson was like
a kid in a candy store, trying on every single pair of boots he could get his greasy mitts on.all four boys bought a pair and put them on straight away, the boots seemed to go well with
stubbies and boardshorts.back at the hostel, it was almost time to get back on the hammer.the beers were f***ing chewy at first, a few of the lads opting for a night off the piss and a
sleep.however a team of big swinging dicks headed back into 6th street for another dose of punishment, first stop the bar with the $1.50 gin and tonics.after the maturity levels had dropped
even further, the team off eight stumbled on down the street looking for girls to harass.some one came up with the bright idea to have a 6 way rock off to see who had to get their nose
peirced and a bull ring inserted.balf preston gus wilson richard and eddy were the lucky candidates.it came down to wilson and gus with the best of three rock off seeing wilson as the
proud new owner of a bullring.preston had trouble hiding his disapointment, as he secretly wanted the peircing to enhance his emo image.(see video on facebook page).with wilson looking
sharper than normal, the boys all sort of met up in a bar that had a device that was sure to create havoc of mammoth proportions-a mechanical bull.is wasnt long before balf was down to his
brand new boots and nothing else, ready to have a stab at the bull.the crowd cheering him on, balf thought hed better warm old stanley up in case there was any interested females lurking.
not making the required eight seconds, balf was forced to have another crack but not before the bull had chased him round the arena.sword, intent on not missing out on the fun, jumped in
after balf with big schlong out, and employing a new technique, managed to be unstoppable on the bull.(see video).making a quick exit from the bar to avoid the trips next set of arrests, the
boys left harper and gus talking to a couple of nice hispanic beauties, complete with ghetto booty-harpers in particular.when it rains it pours, and harper struck gold again, this time
he was able to race with gus in the same room.according to gus, harper may not have the worlds biggest mutton dagger, but hes sure as hell got a fast arse.
with the object of covering as much distance as possible, the boys headed west through texas.with some intense chanting from the back of the bus, the driving/navigation team were forced to
drive through a small texan town called llano, which is home to americas best pit barbeque.gnawing their way through mountains of ribs, mauling sirloin steaks, chunks of pork, sausage
and goatlegs, the boys were like pigs in s***.before leaving with powerloads of doggy bags though, greg found himself peer pressured into eating 3 massive chunks of beef fat from a grain-fed
prime rib stack.helping greg back out to the bus due to a mild case of cardiac arrest, the boys hit the trail again.some great tumbleweed country was witnessed the whole day, with some excessively
straight roads getting eaten up by christine. pulling into an rv park at balmorhea springs late, the boys hit the jackpot again with a free night.after inhaling chunks of leftover meat from
coopers bbq pit, the boys all opted to sleep on the bus instead of outside due to the risk of wolves, scorpions, rattlesnakes and texan chainsaw massacrers.
fresh as f*** from a night off the piss the boys were up early, and after a quick dip/bath in the springs, were on the road again and into new mexico and heading for santa fe.a quick stop
for the farm boys on the trip at a random dairy farm outside of roswell, allowed the boys to witness some filthy mexicans milking 7000 cows.into roswell to check out the paranormal activity
and conspiracy theories, but not before a wholesome and well balanced meal of mcdonalds.the boys took in some of the official roswell musuem then it was time to head north into santa fe.
it was inevitable that beers were going to be consumed on the way into santa fe, and as per usual it was inevitable it was going to be a messy session after a night off.spud didnt disapoint,
the first to get nude and attempt to run the gauntlet, lighting up the back of the bus with his neon firecrutch.it was downhill from there on in, the funnel taking an absolute hiding, and elevation
as we headed into the rockies only exacerbating the intoxication levels.poor old preston at the helm of christine, was collecting a ton of abuse that can only be described as nasty.greg
instigated a non-stop barrage of chants, mainly revolving around prestons mother, prestons girlfriend, and prestons lack of pubic hair.preston and christine managed to hold it together and
pulled us into santa fe.encountering another f***stain rv park owner the lads opted for another walmart carpark and immediatly started getting even drunker.santa fe was a bit quieter
than expected, and the boys had trouble locating the opposite sex, although this could have been something to do with eddy being p**** repellent.however, gus the sneaky russian managed to
find himself a runaway bride, some sheila that had done the bolt from her wedding four days previously.i dont know how you pick them gus.never mind another tally up for the choppers, the
tally now standing at choppers 14-snuffles 4.great work.anyway back in town the rest of the lads-sword fisher andy nick harper and greg had found some poor girl that took them all back to her
parents house for a party.the boys didnt need to be told twice to hook into her fathers whiskey collection, and the debauchery continuing until 630 in the morning, with no-one being able to
show the girl how a kiwi horsecock works.fisher had the best chance out of all the boys, but reneged being the loyal boyfriend that he is.thats cute.