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The Start Of The New Start, Victoria
When you have a blank screen staring at you surrounded by strangers, and sit down to write about how life has come to the point where I have checked myself into a detox health resort in Thailand, against all logic or rational thoughts. I just knew I had to do something - rock bottom has appeared more than once these last few months and I just refuse to give up. It's hard to know when exactly this story stated or how it started. How did I let this happen? Did I let this happen? There are a million things that's I could tell you have contributed to me reaching this point, and is it worth referring to them individually or even ranking them in list of highest contributing factors. Then it just sounds like I'm listing excuses- so I'm stumped. All I know is that I have to live and learn from my decisions past and use them to make my life and myself a better version. I won't hide my flaws and mistakes even though I resent them- so I have decided to try documenting this 8 days to remind myself that I can make it through this - and I need to make myself accountable to do this, so you may learn a thing or two about me.
All I know is that I don't know. And when you don't know something you normal just ask the way or try create your own way to get the knowledge you need. How ironic that those stupid cliques sayings end up being true. I didn't know what I had in my life until it was snatched, slowly away from my family. I know the day I got the phone call on the first day of Term 4 2015 that things would never be the same ever again. The amount of times I thought of ways to harvest my own organs, buy, blackmail, steal to give them to dad, I could not count on my hands. It still doesn't seem real, and it will never seem fair that this big kind beautiful man had to suffer the indignity of that b****** cancer and leave mum here while he went to rest against his will.
I can't write anymore tonight. But I think I just figured out part of the answer to why I am who I am right now and why I'm determined to become half the man my dad was and look after his family like he did every day that he walked this earth. Love you dad xxz
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