Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck…..oooooooooooooooo….shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttt……. taxi…..screach, honk, ahhhhhh wall…. ahhhh another wall, oh my god I am going to die. It was at this point, while sweat poured down my back and my heart tried to resume beating, the thought passed through my mind that hiring a scooter in Thailand may not have been such a good idea after all. For even more amusement let's go back in time 5 minutes.

Hiring a scooter in England would probably involve exchanging lots of money, signing heaps of paper work and extensive tutorials. Here is how it goes in Thailand 'hi, we would like to hire two scooters', 'ok, you have driven before yes?" 'errrrr…….yes" ok then the blue ones yours, 2 pounds please". That's it, part with the principally sum of 2 pounds and you own a scooter for 24 hours. Now when she said 'have you driven before' I didn't actually lie, just bent the truth like any good lawyer. Why of course I have driven before... a car.... in England... but things with two wheels, no. Hell I don't even like cycling. So as she thrusts the keys in my hand, I tentively ask if there is anything particular I might need to know about this mighty steed while desperately trying to figure out how I even start it. 'No' she replies just like every other one I've ridden, oh. So I swing my leg over trying to look like a pro and eagerly grab the handle bars. There I remain, silent and stationary for some time. This is the first clue I give her that perhaps my experience did not extend to world superbikes. After some embarrassed looks she reminds me that I need to hold a certain combination of handle, ignition button and pull in the kick stand. Why of course I exclaim how silly of me to forget. I comply and ooooooooooooo f*** I wobble and weave my way to the end of the little drive. At this point the lady becomes a little concerned (no doubt for her bike more than my wellbeing), oh don't worry Jenny assures her he is just used to large motorbikes. Well I can only say thank god she left us to it and returned to her office for now having made it back down the drive we drew up to the road to turn onto the street…and traffic. It was in the following 30 seconds that I saw my life flash through my eyes, well actually that's a lie what I saw was a large red taxi bearing down on me at some speed followed by a wall coming at me even faster as I avoided the taxi, then another wall as I avoided the first wall.

This is what a bird a tree would have seen. It would have watched Jenny carefully turn left staying on her side of the road as is sensible in such circumstances then carefully and genteelly pull down the road. The bird would then have seen me, turn the throttle with far, far too much power over shoot my side of the road and instead turn into the oncoming traffic and a red taxi then realizing death, instinctively manage instead to shoot straight across the road and down a small side street within a whisker of the very hard walls lining the side street. It would then have seen me sheepishly return to the road taking deep breaths and hopping to god that neither the owner of the bike shop nor the taxi driver were running madly towards me. They were not so I with great care I pulled away.

For the record I will swallow my manly pride and confess that by some miracle despite no experience Jenny rode like a pro from the very beginning. I stubbornly maintained that her bike was somehow easier and mine more powerful.

Off course as those of you who ride real motorbikes will no doubt tell me my scooter had all the power of a lawnmower, so within a minute or too I had the hang of it but that still left one other death inducing obstacle….other traffic.

Sensible first timers might start by hiring scooters on a little island or remote village with little traffic but no, we had hired bikes in Chaing Mai, Thailand's second city, home of thousands of people and very busy roads. In Thailand they drive on the same side of the road as England and the roads are sometimes made of tarmac but there the similarities end. The road might contain two lanes don't for a second think that means two lanes of traffic oh no, that they can squeeze 3 cars and a couple of scooter across the lanes, the lanes may go in each direction but if a Thai heading northbound decides it might be someway quicker to drive against the traffic in the southbound lane he will. Toss into this the occasional ricker-shaw, trucks laden with goods, people wondering across the lanes and even the odd cow and you have a terrifying mix. Every second my brain was working overdrive trying to compute all the information, on top of all we didn't have a clue where to go of course. The climax came when at the end of a long day we endeavored to turn onto our street to head home only to find it was a one way street we were thrown into the very middle of 5 lanes of traffic, imagine weaving your way in and out of the M1 on an overgrown lawnmower and you would have an idea of what it was like.

However, having made it in one piece it was one of the best days in Thailand and one of the most well deserved beers in Thailand!!!!