For mum and those of you with a nervous disposition - do not read another further - just know that I ´lost´ my camera & so there´ll be no more photo´s

For the rest - enjoy?!?

Just another statistic

Staring Tom Burden (as his dashing[literally] self), Two locals as themselves (though in my recolection they looked like a cross between the hyenas off Lion king[not that I´ve seen it!] and golum - but my memory may be a bit dazzed), a camera, a borrowed Cell phone, a cheap watch, some money and a bruised ego

So as I finished in my last blog - I was off to an amazing party in Ipanema Plaza hotle - one not to be missed - so what did I do....miss it - but I had the best excuse I´ve ever used...

So, off I went into Rio, I took my camera for the 1st time anywhere slightly dodgy - because in general Ipanema is safe & I´d be with loads of friends... So I made a bit of a boo-boo with the bus ride (I got off too early) - but no worries I know my way around now - so, I cut through a tunnel and headed to Copacabana - Whilst here I got some money for the upcoming revelry and tried to find a bar to watch the football (Champions league) I managed but I only managed to watch Real versus Bayern (rubbish game with a german infront, annoying me.) Afterwards - because of the dire nature of the game I thought I´d catch some real futebol - brazilian style - so I walked towards the beach & chilled watching the flavela kids show off their skills. From time to time a jogger would pass (as is the norm on Copacabana & Ipanema) - but never fear - never the stupid gringo - I had positioned myself so I couldn´t be approached from behind and could see anyone suspicious, also in a well lit position near loads of people. After a while a tired looking chap paused for breathe a bit too near for my liking - so I turned to walk off & there was another guy jogging from the other side - feeling that this couldn´t be a set-up (´cos they´d need military/ninja precision) - I walked towards the bigger one - show no fear, unfortunately whilst I was doing this they did some kind of pincer movement which resulted in them being next to me in less than 1/2 a sec (really quite impressive seeing as they started a good 5-10m away) b***** - I didn´t think I was in for a group hug, so when one said "you speak you die", I had a dilema - obey, or correct his English ("If you speak, then I will kill you") or the third option, try an outlandish hand-off in the face of the tallist and try to outrun the blighters... Yes of course I did as most of you would and tried the 3rd option. Unfortunately, this made them mad and combined with my efforts to run fully clothed in soft sand (try this next time you at a beach - I´m sure it would look hilarious in the right context) - which made me seem as graceful & nippy as the Bismark (another great modern cultural reference). And I think they knew that a Knife held into my liver would placate me (it did having only last year seen a bleeding liver in theatre - I couldn´t remove this image from my mind and decided to play along). Anyway I think my earlier efforts surprised them as other than lead me into a darkened area & tell me not to do anything stupid (again I thought of correcting him - the stupid deed was well and truely done!) they did nothing other than throw me on the floor and give me a quick cuff in the eye. Its surprising to know what your Fight/ flight response will be in this situation - I find it funny (now) that I attempted both - I do like to sit on the fence!

So Now I was in the sh*t - I had close to 100 quid on my for the party & emergency cash to get home etc!!! b*****. I also had my beloved camera - which had all my photo´s of Rio on (dutifully due to be backed up today!) as well as a friend´s (here) borrowed mobile & the sh*tist watch they sold at heathrow (to deter things like this!)

After finding my wallet reasonably easily, and rummaging through (though not finding my ´hidden´ visa card, cash card & extra money) - it may have helped that I was shouting I have nothing in Portugues (Tenho nada) and trying to bury my arse in the sand (a hard task you will all appreciate) for this was where my camera was... but alas they found it, despite one glorious moment when they found the case (empty) and thought I didn´t have one of me. SO they got away with my watch (annoying as theres no way I´m wearing my nice watch), my mobile (annoying as its not mine!!!) my camera (boo!!) and a minor amount of money.

So, after screaming like Mel Gibson in braveheart I sculked off to the police station - where I met the local bobby (who don´t have the best reputations here - normally thought off as the same or worse than the criminalS) who was lovely - who told me it wasn´t my fault (something I bizarely needed to hear) and then even made me laugh with a mix of his attempts to jump start a fan for my and calling the guys who did it son´s of wh*res - you have to hear this to appreciate how good a curse it is.

So then the tourist police came and took over - who promptly tried to say I wasn´t a tourist (because I was studying) - I knew that if this happened I had to go through the normal system - painstakingly slow at best - requiring a bribe at worst. So, I pointed out that as I had a tourist visa - I was a tourist... After some debate they accepted this arguement & took me off (explaining they weren´t taking me home - cos it was too far! nice!)

So I arrived to be confronted by 5 people all doing the work of one half-wit, some serious ineffiency that would make the builders of Wembley proud. This included 2 detectives - one who stuffed his face then read the paper (for the entire hr and a 1/2 I was there), and the other trying to look like Clint Eastwood - swinging his pistol around, for no apparent reason - unfortunately the ´look´was spoilt by him being on MSN messenger all the time & listening to Blondie.

Anyway Got home (didn´t feel up for a party) and generally felt pretty s***ty - doing worthwhile things like rerunning the events in my head with me making a miraculous escape - err too late Tom! But now I feel loads better - I´ve bought a desposable camera (for the rest of the trip) and I´m off out tongiht for a meal and a boogey! So never fear, all is cool.

Nico - one of the things that made me feel better was starting to re-read the book you gave me (how to escape from dangerous situations, or some-like) incidentally it didn´t have a section on being robbed in Rio (I shall be writing to complain) but in the foreward it says the most important thing is to "learn how to survive" - although I adopted an unusual approach - I came away untouched & it could have been a lot worse. So Bye all - & keep safe, it can happen anywhere!!

XX T XX