GT - f*** me... this is one crazy place and was one crazy day.

Arrived safe and well along with ten million paedofiles yesterday - I think 2 b a paedo u have 2 wear beige socks with nasty sandals... that seemed 2 b teh dress code for teh flight yesterday.

Anyways I feel as if I have been here for at least 6 years... yesterday was the best, weirdest, most bizarre day i have ever experianed - let me explain...

Arrived in bangkok airport n got an hour and a half taxi ride into the place for all of 14 quid, and i guarantee we got ripped off big style!! This place is huge beyond believe... massive, dirty, hot, humid, shouty, sweaty, bostling, crammed, beautiful, polluted, but i wouldnt have it any other way.

Upon arrival we went out a wee ganter 2 c the craicamura. decided 2 go into the tourist info service for, well some info. Ended up chattin 2 Mr. O who is if u have ever seen Fonjacker - that Ugandam Dollar guy - Massive, slick hair do, clean pressed suit, could smell the fresh meat a mile off offering us the deal of a lifetime ona holiday and some excursions within thailand. After much deliberation decided to tell him to piss off.

Anyways had a few tinniee n met teh soundest people in the world... honestly, Thai people r the nicest people about.., strangers waving and smiling at you and everyone around them... just happy people in generel - dont hav alot but dont seem 2 mind. Anyways got chatting 2 a thai couple who told us of a thai holiday today (sounds like a beast of a scam but turned out it wasnt?!?!) and the tuk tuk drivers were getting free petrol from the government 2 promote tourism so they would drive us around all day for 30 baht(60p) to do watever the f*** we wanted, waited for us outside wherever we were and generally just be legends HAPPY DAYS!

Flaggd down our driver Mr. Sanae who wasd quality - he drove us round all the tourist sites for roughly 6 hours, drinking beers n smokin fags along the way - legend of a man. The sites of Bangkok r jawdroppin at times, the temples in particular massive,. golden, holy just immense. We also freed sum freedom birds which wer wee tiny things in caghes at one temple in exchange for a 1 pound 50 and a long, happy and fortunate life. was s*** hot. Also, im getting used to seeing monks just kicking about the street in there full robe gear... class man, abother world.

Anyways after parting ways wiht Mr. Sanae and giving him 2 pound (he was delighted) we set off 4 our hotel (nice nice) 2 sink a few cans and genrally take tyhings in. Wen we came into the hotel the little thai girl told us they were hosting a party 2 celebrate us being there ( we ended up missing the party cos we were drinkin cans in the room).

Anyways we decisded to head off to a Ping-Pong show... this series of events has scarred my life - just listen i only jope i can do it justice whilst writing this...

Rite, So we paid our 15 quid to get in (found out we got rippeda beauty), were led upstairs from this creepy wee bar with old thai guys in it up 2 a room with about another 20 ppl (met sum mega-posh english burds who were pretty sound and one was called clementine and Matt got NB'd a belter off another). anyways we got in, had just missed the live sex show, bad times. But on a stage and parading the audience were maybe 9 evil but good looking crack-w**** thai birds who preceeded 2 do sum 'amazing' tricks with their lady bits. we seen sum amzaing performances, i especially liked the bird who was shooting eggs and ping pong ballsup in the air, sherazs favourite was banana girl or smoking girl (2 at 1 time but none in her gub?!?!?) - u do the maths, matt liked razor blade girl, a close second for me was she who writing guys in the audience letters using... yup u guessed a pen and no hands.

Anywho, this was all good wholesome fun until my new nemisis (big crack w****) decided to get mem sheraz and 4 other guys on stage and hold ballons between our thighs. I knew before that they wanteed cash after this so stashed my dough in my weee pouch under my t-shirt.

Anyways this big, scary junkie then proceeded 2 shoot darts hidden within her... yup... from about 2-3 metres and burst each balloon as well as taking pop-shots at audience members she didnt like... crazy b****.

After busrting mine she then demanded 100 baht and wen i said i had none she frisked me, took my fags then found my hidden stash... she is clever you know and then demand i give her 100 baht.. no chance junkietits!!

Finally got back down where she kept learing over and shakin her fist at me doin teh punchin sign before catching mein the toilet (and demanding 100 baht (2 pounds) to pump her... crazy times man... poissibly the funniest nite of my life. Oh and also the music the wer dopin their wonderful tricks to was just plain weird, Boyzone, Westlife and... Happy Birthday (I forgot to tell uz bout happy birthday girl).

Anyways we headed off with the posh english burds up 2 get a booze on in the infamous Koh San Road... u could buy anything in the whole world there - literally anything if the price is right.

Anyways got a booze on and had a laugh wiht the english chicks before heading home about 3ish.

Had a beast of an idea to go swimming in teh pool. doesnt sound 2 bad but the fact it is monsoon season here, it was a tropical thunder storm... constant thunder the loudest iv heard, lighting lighting the full sky and rain absoulte chucking it down. Sounds bit unfun but it turned out 2 b one of the best things iv dun in a long, long time...

It was majorly liberating drinking beers in the heaviest rain with teh loudest thunder and the lightest lightning iv ever experienced... it was f***ing awesome. Signified that i can basicall do whatever i want hear when i want... no rules or regualtions 2 adhere to.. twas magic... i even taught Matt how 2 do a backwards dive.

So went 2 bed bout 7pm, woke up 2day rough as a badgers arse and checked out of our place an hour early.

We went for a thai massage which was like 3 or 4 quid for an hour. s*** hot, they literally turn u into a contorsionist within the space of an hour ( throwing sum crazy shapes bit time). made me feel mega good but spewy afterwards so came back here, done a poo and spued my ring and now i feel magic typin this.

Anywhos werer off to Pattaya 2moro, which is party central and i think may also be famous 4 ladyboys so hoppefully got a few more stories for uz next time im on. Also aint got much fotos so no point in loadin as iv needed 2 buy batteries 3 the past few days but aoh well.

Anyways i luv u all and shall speak soon, need 2 but a thai sim card so uz can fone me if you do well wish. x x x

GT

_______________________________________________________ MATT - in the begining.............

Sat next to joseph Fritzels' German doppelganger on flight from Dusseldorf to bangkok who thought it would be a capital idea to cough up his lungs in my general dirongle for the entire f***in' flight (his breath was so f***in bad that I spent most of the flight trying desperately to force out a fart to grant myself a few seconds reprieve from his the acrid smell - tic tac anyone???

Arrived in Bangkok to the sight of everfyone wearing Michael Jackson stlye face mask - SHAMOAN MOTHA FUKKA!!! Saw a sewer rat that could quite easily take Ricky Hatton in a square go (the fat p****was so big it was using its tail to take menacing puffs on his richmond superkings), Went to the tourist information office and booked two holidays, tomorrow going for two days to the River kwai to stay in a flloating house, then on thursday going to Pattaya party town for 4 days - good times - bring on the trumpets!!!

Went to buddhist temple and free'd 4 caged birds for 80p I still feel good bout that (hey baby watch the free birds fly), Spent 5 hours cruising around in a Tuk Tuk driven by Thailands answer to my uncle shug who drank tins of Chang beer and chain smoked like it was a f***in night out at the f***in Railway inn in Toi-land (for the grand sum of only 30 Bhat (80p?)) Met posh English girls at a ping pong show (the type of show which would have had forrest gump runnin, ping pong bat in hand, for his mama,)

Went with said English girls to the famous Khaosan Rd and drank something called a bucket (evil stuff, the kind of drink normally reserved for the criminaly insane.......or penny bhoy) said drink persuaded me that night swimming in the monsoon rain with a few cold beers was " a f***in topper ay an idea" - GT and Sheraz agreed.

The hostal receptionist, on the other hand, gave us a look that suggested that a long stay in Hartwood laughing academy would be our next destination. Flopped into my pit at around 6 in the morning like a drowned rat and slept for the first time in around 50 hours. END OF DAY ONE!!! Matt x x x