Perfecting the art of Squat Jobbies on Asian Toilets
Current mood: accomplished

When I first entered Asia I was a complete novice at this but its true what they say, practice really does make perfect and let me tell thee ive had lots of practice, some of those Indian Curries have passed right through me into the trough they call a toilet. Some very important lessons have been embedded into my brain and it wouldn't be right to withhold useful information about offloading yourself whilst in a hostile and alien environment that is the Asian toilet..


Please observe the photo below to get an idea of what we're dealing with here:



For this delicate toilet jobbie you will need, Toilet paper (they use their left hands here), easily removable footwear, lots and lots of courage.

Step 1: Enter the hole making sure that there is nothing lurking behind the door like a big insect, a person or a pervert. Begin breathing through the mouth to minimize vomiting. Don't take big lugs of air, flies could enter and you'll be in a world of pain.

Step 2: If the toilet has a lock USE IT or the stretched legs whilst spraying will be the only choice you have left.

Step 3: Proceed to take every item of clothing off until your stark naked except for your footwear, never take these off during the whole operation, not unless you like skating on Urine and Poo.

Step 4: Find a place to hang your clothing, there will usually be the odd nail hanging out of a crumbling wall. Make sure it's secure; you don't want that white shirt looking like a nappy now do ya?

Step 5: So now you're ready to mount the pig trough, place both feet either side of the bowel beast making sure not to slip and fall, the whole area is usually soaking wet.

Step 4: DO THE BUSINESS

Step 5: Have the toilet paper to hand and use sparingly, you never know when the next bowel attack will come and the left hand could be all you have left.

STEP 5: Rise slowly and tred carefully back to your peg.

Step 6: This is the trickiest bit and requires great balance and calmness of mind. Proceed to put your shorts back on but don't allow your footwear to touch any part of the clothing. (By this time it will be drenched in piss, s*** and god knows what else). Raise one leg off the ground and flick the left flip flop off your foot. Then slide the shorts on whilst balancing on your right leg. Place your left foot back into the flip flop and flick the right one off once the shorts are half way up your leg. Repeat the process.
The top half is a piece of piss.

STEP 5: Now proceed to the bucket of water in the corner. Produce the soap from your pocket and wash those hands like Mamma told you to.

Step 6 ; Often there is no flusher so you are expected to flush that jobbie down yourself. Grab the red bucket you washed your hands in and pour just enough down the trough so that you no longer see what just came out of you.

Step 7: Walk out of the s*** pit head held high, you completed a tricky procedure and deserve an extra hot vindaloo with chilies on top to celebrate.


Here's looking at you kid