Well...we have arrived in Boulder. Sigh. Feels like its been a pretty big couple of days. The journey to here has been huge in a whole bunch of ways. The retreat was....big for me. After being really psyched and stoked to be there, I spent a day and a half in a pretty dark place. Just not what I anticipated- lots of anxiety and contraction. The whole concept of surrender elluded me completely. I worked it really intensely- and realised that on the backdrop of such a perfect life, this anxiety story feels like the last really big knot to untie. And so through the process it started to unravel...I looked deeply at this ingrained story I keep playing out where I prove to myself again and again that I can survive by setting up situation where I feel like I have to fight for my life. And I don't know that there was really anything to "do" around it, but recognise that this is the final frontier in terms of my deepest vulnerability that I split off from. So I sat in it. And it was horrible. And it was beautiful. And I unwound. And I got free. By day three I was really coming out the other side. I got up and sang at Gangaji's invitation, and I kid you not...the room f***ing cracked wide open, and so did my heart. And it's stayed that way since. I've had two anxiety experiences in the last couple of days and they've been really different. Something has shifted. I have a peace in me that feels really good to rest back in. My mind is still (comparitaviely!).
So the drive south again was fine and pretty relaxing really, but it's a lot of movement...six and a half hours driving. It gave Meg and I a really good chance to chat about life and the universe so I was grateful for that. We landed at Moriah and Seth's at midnight ish... and slept late- til 11 I think, and then I went to the gym. Their sofa bed just f***en sucks ass, so I was pretty stiff and I pulled a muscle in my neck. It's a nasty one... It's run all down my back and into my hips.... Bummed.
Anyway....the flights over here were good. South West Airlines would definitely be my preferred airline to fly with again. They do all this comedy throughout the flight and sing and s***. It was f***ing hilarious actually. Las Vegas airport's a trip! Slot machines everywhere and heaps of interesting people. I liked it. I'd like to go back there....er and not just to the airport. Kia wants to see the Canyon, so that gets us down that way some day. It is soooooo unbelievably hot down there. Even at 8 o'clock at night I was sweating. Landing in Boulder was kind of cool. It was late by the time we got in...maybe midnight or so, and Meg's dear Richard picked us up.
So this morning we got up (late again) and went to the river. I had a swim (albeit brief) and the water was mountain ICE COLD!! It hurt my skin, y'know? But it was great to do. Boulder's HOT. Much hotter than Ashland or anywhere in Cali. I took Meg's car out to get groceries. Stick shift! It's actually not so hard. Once my brain made the shift I was fine. The wholefoods store was great fun. So much amazing organic food. I went ballistic. I just ate a salad with lettuce, spinach, avo, tomato, mushies, beans, rasberries, strawberries, jarlsberg and ranch. YUM! And I have a huge buffalo steak for dinner.I had an amazing treatment with Meg tonight, which I think has really helped me to integrate a lot of the work from the retreat. We met Melissa Michaels for a cuppa this afternoon- she is a force! Runs dance style rites of passage workshops for youth- amazing shaman woman. I have a crazy strong connection with her. We're destined to do something together, I'm sure of it. My day has been chilled and tomorrow is much of the same. I'm feeling good. And also I can feel home drawing closer....7 sleeps til my return. I have the same sense I had last time i did this trip- that I am returning with so much more to offer my life and love back home. This place, it's people and what is evoked in me is just such a gift. paige