I have been thinking a long time if I should bring this blog down to a personal level instead of just writing about how it is to travel while being pregnant.
But I think it is time to go on a rant. So yesterday the baby's dad sent me an email saying that to me he didn't exist and was dead until he would return to put an end to my game, that he had his semen analysed and was infertile and couldn't be the father. That i should let him live his life and that I had already gambled away mine. Nice one, isn't it?
I had partly come to Thailand to get a chance to speak with him but he ignored my emails until I sent him an ultrasound. I know that he doesn't want the baby, when I told him in Nepal that I was expecting he wanted to drag me straight to a clinic (or probably someone wielding a rusty knife) to have an abortion right away. When I refused he mumbled something about kicking the baby out of my stomach. You might ask now "but who do you sleep with" and i now wish i hadn't but it was a turn from dr Jekyll to mr Hyde. I was terrified and when he later in an email threatened my life. I was ready to go to the police but then again: wouldn't that be crazy? I mean, I'm a well to do adult, certainly I don't get death threats, do I? I thought I was just paranoid protecting my babies life.
Above all, I am not forcing him to be a dad, I don't want any money from him and I am completely calm and reasonable. The only thing i want os to establish a calm and friendly dialogue for the future. In Nepal I offered him two options, one that he would have all rights to the kid with no responsibilities, that he and his family were always welcome in my family and that I would come to wherever he might be at least 3 times a year so that he can see his son. The second was that we could try it together , live nearby or with each-other and when he needed space he could come and go as he pleased. Again with no responsibilities from his side. I think that was a fairly reasonable suggestion, I was open to all kinds of modifications to suit his lifestyle but to also give the child and him a chance to know each other. In Nepal, when he told me to kill the baby I offered to disappear from his life and let him believe that I did what he asked. But seeing the baby grow I can't hold this up. They both have a right to each-other. And I think that I am reacting in a far more relaxed way than most women in my situation would do. I have never asked a thing of him, never said a bad word, so do I need to fear for my and my sons life?