Just when I thought I had finally grown up and gotten rid of my b**** fits... tadaaaa, they're back. Paying for them is my poor tour guide Friendly renamed 'the brow'.

I started sensing a minor dislike towards him this morning, 7.30 am when turning the corner to get to the car I caught him blowing his nose footballer style( shutting one nostil, blowing in his hand and shaking off). Visibly embarrassed that I caught him I acted as nothing had happened and carried on, smoothly ignoring his offered hand when I tried to climb into the truck. -yes, I am legally a midget and have trouble climbing onto trucks and often have to do so on all fours, major fml, feel free to laugh about it, I do!

I fear that my so called 'acceptance' of his behaviour may have led him to believe it would be ok to blow his nose in his sweater, burp and piss in fields. All of this happened during a 7 hour ride up the mountains in Inle Lake's direction.

I must add that throughout this entire time he was chewing on a betelnut wrapped in a betelleaf which basically are myanmar's cocaine.. they act as painkillers, pickeruppers and contain high amounts of caffeine keeping you awake. Unfortunately chewing said leaf has two MAJOR cons.. they dye your mouth, saliva and teeth bright red and you have to spit it out every so often like chewing tobacco, this is why it is not uncommon to see red splatters on the floor in Myanmar, 'no worries', the brow once told me 'it is not blood, it is spit'... comforting, thanks!

Anyhow, having grown a little tired of his disgusting little show I made him stop, in the heart of what I'm sure geographically qualifies as a jungle, to wee...

I head off into a bush, ignoring the offer of his hand to climb out of the truck as at this point it had been snooted on twice, had been used to pee twice and had been washed ZERO times..

While I venture into the bush I hear him scream crucial instructions at me:

1. keep away from the water, thats where the snakes hide.

2. if you spot an elephant hide, you do not want him to see you or he'll charge.

3. watch out for Tigers.

watch out for what??TIGERS?? all I can think is 'you massive dikhead I am definitely not equipped to fight off or escape a tiger, specially not with my pants round my ankles and without my damn pepper spray( not like it'd make a difference, but one can try), how did it not occur to you to tell me this before I'm deep in the bloody bush???''.. so I run back to the car fuming, while the brow grins at me with the most alarming red bloodied smile I've ever seen..-I should encourage him to go to some horror movie casting, he'd be great for Hannibal 2 or the hills have eyes ( and unibrows, bad joke.. forgive me).

Having made it to Nyang shwe (spelling remains a mystery to me) with little patience left for him, he takes me to my new hotel.. definitely s***ty, definitely overpriced and Definitely infested with spiders.. in fact, one the size of my iphone's screen is bloody chilling in the bathroom. I instantly loose my s***, run out and with my proverbial aplomb I explain that I demand a refund and to be placed in a new hotel.. #succes.. am now sitting in a 4 star hotel chilling!!

miss you and would be better to have company to share these experiences with.. and someone else for brow to offer his snottied up hand to, for a change.

heading to the heart of the lake tomorrow!! best!!!