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Hi all
First of all, I'd like to apologise for the lack of paragraphs in the postcards all of a sudden. Offexploring have updated their site and made some 'improvements' one of which is a different program running their post cards section. Which has removed all paragraphs from every postcard preceeding this one. It also double spaces all paragraphs and is slower than Tone getting to the bar. Sorry peeps, but there's nothing I can do. On the plus side they've sorted out the interactive map a treat (kind of - I don't remember having travelled to some of the places they say we've been - but the computer never lies so we've also bee to Burma among other places). Ah well, the rough with the smooth and all that.
So, Thu and Phuong are the girls who work reception in out hotel. Off their rockers. Particularly Phuong. Seriously mad. But easily the friendliest people we've met so far, even outstripping the Easy Riders in their eagerness to help and chat. And they're both fit as fook. Fantastico.
Thu is 24 and has a Belgian boyfriend, much to her mother's disgust. Girls over here don't have sex before marriage (not sure how all the massage parlour girls manage it. Or for that matter the girls who keep getting offered to me by moto drivers every time I venture out on my own - 3 pound 50 for one hour in case anyone's interested) so he's not so much a boyfriend as a fiance. Either way, he's hardly ever here but that hasn't stopped romance blossoming. For her at least. I haven't met him so Icouldn't possibly say. She's slightly worried he might be finding it difficult to keep it in his trousers when he's away from her...no s***. I've also found myself doing her 14 year old sister's English homework a couple of times (she probably got the worst grades in the class) and between her and Phuong they've taught me some good Vietnamese as well as some of the rather less polite phrases.
For her part Phoung is an absolute loon. She's 22 and has more boyfriends than she can count (well two anyway) and is having trouble keeping them secret from each other. She doesn't want to get married cos then she'd have to settle for one man and cook and clean for him. What she really wants is to marry a man from Britain. And one from Australia. And one from Italy. And then, providing she can keep them all secret from each other, they will send her money and she can carry on having boyfriends over here. I volunteered Johnny for the job. Bear in mind though, that there's a no sex before marriage rule over here, so the boyfriends are to all intents and purposes innocent. Although the jury's still out on that one :o)
Over the past 3 weeks they've both fallen in love with Mand and I've gone from Lazy Man to Bad Boy (which I kind of like) and they have hassled me incessantly about marrying Mand. Incessantly. I think Phuong wants me for herself though. Well, she's not made of wood after all :oP They are also two of the most violent people I have ever met. You know that way girls have of playfully slapping you or giving you a little pinch every now and then? Well these girls do it all the time. I've been hit softer by fully grown men. Seriously. I've got the bruises to prove it. Must be all that sexual frustration building up. God help the first man these girls take to bed. He might not come out alive. And he'd better be good or he sure as f*** won't. In all honesty, they are really, really lovely. The first two non-western people who we will definitely try and stay in contact with. We love em to bits....
After having chatted to the pair of them a few times at the hotel, Phoung eventually asked us if we wanted to go to Karaoke one evening. Hmmm...well, why not? It'd be good excuse to get drunk with the locals at least. And it was. Now, I don't know what you think of when you think of a karaoke bar, but for me I get visions of well, a bar for a start. With loads of drunk people belting out songs. Well this was nothing like that at all. What we actually got was a private room and a crate of beer. Then you all sit round and pick songs from a huge book and sing. To each other. The most important ingredient for me was obviously the crate of beer. Now Phuong had said there would be loads of her friends there which was good for me as I'm not a great karaoke lover anyway, much preferring to sing/shout acapella when I'm trashed and fully confident in the belief that I'm the next big thing. However, we just ended up proving the universal law that whenever you invite someone new out with all your friends, no-one turns up and you're left feeling like a billy no mates. It turns out there were four of us. Me, Mand, Phuong and a guest from the hotel next door called John who was an ex US Marine and was over here seeing some of the places he'd seen during the war. Now John had a voice made of gravel, and a hacking cough that sounded like there was something seriously wrong inside and made it blatantly clear that he was never ever going to sing. That left three of us. Not the best, but f*** it, we'll make the most of it. Then Phuong got things started and sung first.
Now the thing is, karaoke is an institution over here. This is what Vietnamese people do for nights out. There are hundreds of these 'bars' and we were lucky to find one with room for us to book into. And this was on a Sunday. It's madness. And needless to say they are all crash hot at it. Phuong has got the voice of an angel and when she started singing I was truly startled. It was amazing. And then as there were only three of us, it had to be mine and/or Mand's turn. Well, who am I to let a good moment for making a tit out of myself pass? I leapt in when Phuong suggested me and her duet on 'Eternal Flame' by The Bangles (or more recently by some s***ty girl band or other, but there's only one Susannah Hoffs). And I was fantastic. Well, not really, but we had a laugh and it really wasn't that bad and scored 90 odd per cent for key and timing which helped. Suddenly I'd found that there was some sort of competition to be had. Woo hoo! After a few more duets involving me, Mand and Phuong in various permutations all of which scored pretty highly, me and Mand found 'Basket Case' by Green Day. Now that's what I'm talking about. Billy Joe who? Eye liner clad fool if you ask me. Me and Mand duetted and we took the crowd by storm (we were pretty much half cut by now and Phuong and John had turned into 50,000 at Glastonbury). We f***in nailed it. 100%. We were well and truly the heroes of the minute. Yeah baby Rock n Roll! It couldn't last however and on our next turn we did 'Johanna' by Eddie Grant. Despite doing our best to sound like grizzled Rastas we got most of the words wrong and scored a measly 68 per cent. Hmmmm maybe not quite the rock Gods we though then. By this time we'd been joined by a guy called Ngha who worked at the hotel next door and unsurprisingly he turned out to be amazing, and looked seriously underwhelmed by our valiant attempts at a couple of Beatles numbers. Ngha turned out to be a truly sweet bloke and of all things is a Crystal Palace fan. I love that. And he can talk about football for nearly as long as me, especially on the merits of Andy Johnson as a striker (he's heart broken that he's gone) and Ian Dowie as a manager (equally heart broken on that score).
By now, time was getting on and we had to be at an Internet Cafe for our first live broadcast on MSN Messenger. We left with pretty clear instructions from Phuong that we just had to turn right out of the 'bar' then left and there were loads of Internet cafes. Obviously we got lost and spent the next 20 minutes wandering aimlessly and asking directions from everyone who looked like they could speak English. When we finally did get to one it was s***e, and MSN wasn't working properly. To the extent that it wasn't even telling me that Mand was online. Grrrrr! So, sorry to Chris and Len and Stubes and Kate but we really did try.
We headed back to the karaoke place only to find that the others had already left. So we headed back to the hotel thinking they might be waiting for us there and were a bit suroprised to find the night receptionist asleep. Not for long though as we had to wake him up to let us in. With no idea where they might've gone, we hit our bed for a good night's sleep. It turns out that they'd gone to the Sailing Club and had left a message for us with the matey we'd woken up, but he obviously couldn't be asked to tell us. Nice.
The following Sunday and it was time for more karaoke with the girls. We arrived late after our final PADI exam and the party was in full swing when we got there. About 15 people (all Vietnamese) sitting round, drunk as skunks and singing their hearts out. Once again they were all crash hot, but Thu turned out to be the best around. Absolutely amazing. And when her and Phuong duetted it was truly out of this world. I had a go 'Sacrifice' by Elton John, but was clearly out of my depth, so with Mand dancing I settled back and got drunk with the locals who had decided they wanted to see how much I could drink. Turns out a lot more than them.
Eventually boredom began to set in and sensing this Phuong and Thu decided that we should all head for the Sailing Club. We jumped on theirs and their friends' bikes and off we set. My bloke was pissed out of his head and was having trouble steering in a straight line. Feeling slightly uneasy, I was sent into a near panic when he decided to pull a u-turn in the middle of the road. A bike screeched to a halt about 7 inches from our front wheel. It was Phuong and Ngha, and Phuong promptly started berrating the guy and telling him not to kill me please. And slow the f*** down. Thinking this might have at least a semblance of a sobering effect on the guy, I settled back uneasily and hoped for the best. I obviously didn't hope hard enough. At the next roundabout our boy took it far to wide and then pulled back in across two lanes of traffic. Cue more screeching brakes and two bikes stopping about a rizla width away from hitting us broadside. My man wasn't fazed by this in the least and set off again at breakneck speed swerving all over the road. By the time we arrived at the Sailing Club I'd been scared back into sobriety and by the time he'd parked and stopped the engine I was already at the bar getting a round in.
Me and Mand played pool for a bit and beat a few locals before feeling just drunk enough to hit the dancefloor. And what a night it turned out to be. Superb. The group slowly fizzled out until there was just me, Mand, Ngha and some other fella getting drunker and drunker. This other bloke got it into his head somehow that I was having trouble pulling Mandy and kept pulling us onto the dancefloor together and pushing us close. Thanks for that mate but I'm pretty sure I'm in here already. Well I like to think so anyway. After a little while the other two disappeared home to leave me and Mand to really strut our stuff in peace. And we were fantastic. All the moves came out and we were the toast of the town. Possibly anyway. By about two o'clock we were both drenched in sweat and decided it was probably time to head home. We were supposed to be leaving the following day.
Awakened at seven o'clock by the builders in the room under yours smashing down walls is not the way to be woken on a hangover day. But that was what we got whether we liked it or not (we didn't). Not to be deterred we did actually make it as far as breakfast before deciding that there was no way on Earth we were going to get on the bus that evening. So instead we went off shopping for Christmas presents and once we'd finished, we did the only logical thing and agreed to meet Phuong and Ngha for a load of beers that evening. This went without a hitch and we spent the evening in deep conversation about anything and everything before calling it a night and genuinely believing that we'd be alright to catch the bus the following day. However, the builders had different ideas.
Once again we were awoken by the sound of banging and not from the hangovers. I think they took pity on us because they didn't start banging until maybe quarter past seven. How nice of them. Feeling a little bit pissed of at this there only seemed to be one course of action, and we agreed to meet Phuong and Ngha for a proper night out. We started at the hotel and when Ngha mentioned that he liked Nirvana and Guns n Roses it was time to get the ipod out and show off. We also introduced him to Arctic Monkeys (I don't think he could understand a single word) and The Prodigy (when we played Firestarter he just looked at us in a slightly pitying way. this didn't stop him from downloading everything off our ipod the following day mind). Ok then, time to hit the bars.
Now Phuong was having a bit of trouble from her aunt who she lives with. It's not the done thing for nice girls to go out every night (sometimes all night) especially not drinking. Besides which, the night we hadn't been able to find them after karaoke Phuong and Ngha had stayed out together all night. Much to the anger of both his wife and her aunt. Oops. And just for the record I have no idea whatsoever what went on. After a few frantic phone calls home which weren't answered, and Phuong's boss agreeing to stick up for her we were finally able to head out. In the first bar, tragedy struck. After about half an hour, Phuong's aunt called. The house phone wasn't working properly (hence no answer) and there was no way she was going to let Phuong stay out. Uh oh. But here's the thing. Phuong didn't mind. In fact she didn't say anything but nice things about her aunt. This is a 22 year old girl being phoned while she's out to be told to get home now. And she respected it. When we got home and had had one last drink with Ngha to say good night, this sparked a conversation between me and Mand about morals and respect. Or rather the lack of both in England. I'll try and condense the argument as best I can.
Morals used to come from the Church. Now people don't believe in God or the Church, where do children learn their morality? Its got to come from the parents. The same parents who get smashed on drink and drugs, sleep around, who leave the other to bring up the children, who swear and disrespect each other and other people in general in front of their kids, sometimes including them. Who say its ok to do the same. Who use violence or the threat of it to get what they want. Who let kids be adults before they're morally aware of their responsibilities. Teenage pregnancy, street gangs, drug use in younger and younger children. It can all be traced to lack of morals and respect. Well maybe not all of it, but I'm working in absolutes here and I would say the vast majority of it regardless. And without morals society can't function. It'll kill itself. Not people, society. Education doesn't work. Schools are not the place for morals to be taught and besides which it's not their responsibility. It lies with the parents. They had the kids, they must be made responsible for them. But they're failing in their duty. Simple as that. So how can parents who behave immorrally, perhaps even amorally, then expect their children to be instilled with the morals required for society to flourish? The attitude seems to be that each generation is worse than the last. After all, if we judge our children by how bad we were and then let them behave even a little bit worse (children will go to huge lengths to shock their parents) how can we ever expect to stop the downward spiral? I'm f***ed if I know. A Church resurgence? Hardly, and besides even then it was hardly flawless. The Government? Totalitarian dictatorships? Hmmm, I think not. So what? Ok this has turned into a rant (no, really?) and could go as far as my mind wants to take it. The pursuit of money to any extreme, consumerism, capitalism v socialism, the breakdown of the family unit, competition v co-operation, the shallow pursuit of the physical over the spiritual, a culture where youth is prized more highly than age and experience, where sportsman earn more in a year than teachers and nurses earn in their entire careers (there's a phrase for that which rachel said to me once but I'm b******sed if I can remember it - something to do with valued skills) and on and on and on. But I think I'll leave it there, because in my mind it all comes back to the breakdown of the family and the values inherent in it. And I'm just as guilty as everyone else.
Ok rant over. Where was I? Ah yes. The morning after Phuong had to go home (I knew there was a point to all that ranting). Well, we'd drunkenly agreed to go for coffee with her and Ngha at about half seven in the morning as this would be our last day and we wanted to say goodbye. It seemed like a good idea at the time. So after about 4 hours sleep we were awoken by her phoning up to make sure we were awake. I was. And still drunk. Beautiful. Her and Ngha dumped us on the back of their bikes and whisked us away to a coffee shop where we drank gallons of iced tea, ate a little breakfast, drank coffee, and eventually decided it was time for another beer. To help us sleep. Believe it or not this kind of worked, and we spent the rest of the day lounging around in bed watching movies and eating take out. Perfect hangover day.
So here I now sit, having awoken refreshed, bimbled around and now have only about another hour and a half to wait for the bus to come and pick us up. Although when I've finished here we have to go back to the hotel and have a last beer (or two) with Phuong and Ngha before the bus picks us up at eight to take us overnight to Saigon. Our expected stay of four days has actually been extended to 3 weeks, complete with visa extension, and we've enjoyed every single minute of it. Even when we were sick for a few days they made everything ok (as did me dressing as a woman in a successful attempt to take away Mandy's boredom - I'm a genuine lady boy now. I might just head out and mug some westerners) A large part of it has been down to Thu and Phuong and their conversations about just about everything and the fact they have trouble saying anything without laughing loudly, which is the most infectious thing I've ever come across. No rude comments please....
So it is with genuine regret that we say goodbye to them and Nha Trang and head for the serious hustle and bustle that is going to be Saigon.
So bye Thu, bye Phuong, we will be back we promise.
Laters all xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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