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Poor Man’s Antigua
1. Journey to Granada
We set off from our hotel in Tegucigalpa and walked to the bus station, finally with a reason to be glad for staying in that area! At the Tica Bus Station we sat at a café and ate and drank until the bus arrived. The journey to Managua was shorter and more comfortable that expected. The only incident was at the border crossing but not the normal kind of drama. The bus kulak took our passports so we didn’t have to do anything but wait. This pleasant experience was destroyed when a Crispy American granjad hadn’t got enough money to pay for the crossing. We refused to give him any money and he cursed us. He asked other white people and they too were sensible enough to refuse. A local eventually gave in to help this dimwitted idiot and thus rewarding foolish behaviour and opposing evolution. Lisa was very put out at this show of altruism. It was here we met a girl of Chinese/Japanese/Taiwanese etc descent. Only noted here for it will be mentioned again.
In Managua we got a taxi to the station where some mini buses went to Granada. When we stepped out of the taxi we were swooped upon by 6 or 7 minibus touts pulling us and out bags in different directions. Charlie and Lisa being slightly dazed and confused got pushed towards different buses and finally woke up to the giant error. Lisa shouted “DISCULPE” and dragged her bag off a man to be able to follow Charlie. More anger followed as we were forced to pay for tickets for our bags as they took up seats. WE angrily gave the money over and then had to play musical chairs as we were directed to different seats. It was here we met or oriental friend “Betty” and chatted to her about places etc.
2. The Bearded Monkey
On arrival in Granada we went straight to the Bearded Monkey and got a very basic double room for an expensive $17. This room had no ensuite and was up a very steep and dangerous ladder. The place itself was amazing, with a beautiful central courtyard surrounded by hammocks and swinging chairs etc. Bowlhead was also in residence. There was a great traveler’s atmosphere, free internet and most importantly free coffee, and so why were we not happy? Well it seems our reputation preceded us, as the book exchange shelves were locked behind a multitude of chains and padlocks. This distressing scene left us with only one choice: we needed new accommodation. We returned to the Bearded Monkey as a nighttime ritual to partake in their delightful food. A favourite of both Lisa and Charlie was the vege chilli which reminded us of the good old caravan days; when food was made with real spice and the illusion that Mexican food was the best in the world had not been shattered.
3. Move to new hotel
Having recovered from the shock of having to pay $17 for a room, and alter exhausting the free coffee and Internet offered by the Bearded Monkey, we packed our bags and went in search of alternative (i.e. cheaper) accommodation. We tried a few hotels recommended by Lonely Planet, but it appeared that all had doubled in price. Eventually we found a nice place by Parque Central that was only $12 and had an ensuite. Even so, for the second poorest country in the Northern hemisphere, we seemed to be paying through the nose! Nonetheless, we liked our new accommodation, especially the unlimited coffee. We especially enjoyed the thin walls that allowed us to overhear the animalistic rutting of our neighbours. If he didn’t know she was faking it, we certainly did!
4. Half foot
On our travels around Central America we have often found the freakiest weirdos hang out in the Parque Central of the town. Granada is no exception. For a small town, it boasts a wide range of groovy characters:
Half foot
On one trip into Parque Central, Lisa and Charlie spotted an adolescent wearing flips flops with socks. “What an interesting look” we both thought. A few moments later he approached us and we started to chat to him. At first he seemed OK, but then the inevitable happened. Off came the flip flops and socks and the scab infested feet presentation began. Money was duly begged for, but our escape technique (now greatly practiced) was flawlessly executed.
Crab Lady
Sitting on the steps of the Cathedral was an old lady in a blue dress. As we walked by, her manic gaze fell on us and she rose to her feet and scuttled towards us sideways, just like a giant crab. She jabbered as she lurched. We ran away.
Granja
Another time we were nearly at the relative safety of our hotel when an old lady sitting on the pavement looking harmless suddenly leapt up and grappled for a hold on Charlie’s arm. Suddenly another arm appeared around Charlie’s back and the lady attempted to hug him. This unwelcome physical contact was made one hundred times worse when Charlie looked up and saw her vacuous toothless grin smiling back at him. Emergency procedures were needed here: Charlie screamed. The lady retreated back to her roadside lair. Lisa laughed. A lot.
5. Laguna de Apoyo
We found the heat in Granada very oppressive so were grateful for the chance to escape for the day to a nearby volcanic lake. The same people that ran the Bearded Monkey owned another hostel on the shore of this laguna, and for a small fee would drive you up for the day, where you then had use of the canoes and inner tubes on the lake. We were driven up to the lake with a small group of people. We all had to stand up in the back of an open pick-up truck like kulaks. The rustic journey was worth enduring when we saw what was waiting for us: a beautiful clear lake that was lukewarm and had no hideous plants growing in it to spoil the fun.
While most people took a while to settle in, we rushed straight for the lake clutching our inner tubes. We bobbed about for the entire day, returning to the shore only for snacks. There was a floating dock that Lisa tried to teach Charlie to dive off, but like most things, the training session was abandoned after one miserable attempt. We also canoed out to the middle of the lake but became quickly bored and returned to the shore two minutes later to swap the canoes for our trusty inner tubes.
While we were bobbing about in the inner tubes, we saw a blood curdling site ashore: an over confident man in bright orange shorts going around introducing himself to people. We found this behaviour sickening and not conducive to our strict misanthropist way of life. The man in orange shorts then swam out to the floating dock and continued this enforced socialisation technique with the people there, who were now trapped in the presence of this social clown. Swearing that we would never succumb to the same fate as the poor trapped souls on the floating dock, we immediately began to work out aquatic escape techniques in the unfortunate event that orange shorts should start speaking to us next. Several escape routes were planned and executed with the use of our inner tubes, including slipping through the middle of the tube, rolling off it sideways and flipping off it backwards, staying underwater long enough for the social terrorist to become bored and wander off. Unfortunately there was a small metal air inflate valve (pene) on the inside of the tubes that we constantly scratched, scraped and bruised ourselves against. Luckily we never had to use any of these escape techniques for real, since we were especially careful to never allow our inner tubes to float within hearing distance of the shore or the floating dock.
6. Betty
One of the people on the Laguna Apoyo trip was a young lady from Taiwan named Betty, who had also been on the collective from Managua to Granada with us. We feared that Betty was bipolar because sometimes you would be having a happy conversation with her and the next moment she would be in a sullen silence and not respond to any of your questions. Betty also demonstrated other, unusual behaviours. At one point in the day, we spotted Betty sitting in canoe. This may not seem strange until some other factors are taken into account:
- The canoe was pulled up on the beach, nowhere enar the water, and under the shade of a dock
- Betty was wearing a lifejacket whilst on dry land
- Betty was asleep
This strange image stayed with us for a long time and provided much laughter throughout the day whenever it was recalled.
7. The Market
We wandered about the streets on a regular occasion and happened to chance upon a bustling traffic filled market. The usual plastic items were displayed on trestle tables and over ripening fruit attracting a multitude of insect life. We decided to explore the inside market as we found small tunnels into a market warren metropolis. Chicken guts and heads, beaks etc were on display in the first 10m. We pushed past this hoping it would get better. Lisa was not happy when more meat stalls appeared and one even had a pigs head as a central table decoration. Again we marched past hoping for deliverance from this primitive butchers. Unfortunately our noses dectected the next stage….. We had reached the Fish Market. This was the last straw for the vegetarian sensibilities and fish juice was running in channels on the ground and a happy fish wife slapped 20 fish on a hook onto the table. This action caused fish slime to be expelled into the air and scales to fly into Charlie’s face. We hastily made our way to the exit with Lisa moving faster than she thought was possible. Needless to say we did not venture this way again.
Final thoughts: It’s a shame we saw Antigua first as this place could have been nice but paled in comparison. The air was stiflingly hot in the town and often made us have to take a siesta. The accommodation was expensive but wins points for the best authentic food so far.
Mark out of 10: 7
Next Time.......... Corn Islands
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