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9th January
Well, things have gone from bad to worse to a living hell! Tried to change my flight which leaves on 14th but no go so I'm stuck in Cuba in this freezing, most expensive in the world, god-forsaken place! Thought a few days on the beach might be the way to go to cheer me up so I arrived in Varadero at around 2pm today and it was blowing a hurricane. Of course it could very well be blowing a hurricane and I wouldn't know given that I have no access to TV, newspapers or anything pertaining to the outside world (I only found out about the Haiti earthquake when Kate texted to make sure I hadn't gone there and been affected - and Haiti is next-door to Cuba so no hope of finding out what's happening elsewhere in the world!). It's probably about 8 degrees, if that, pissing down with rain and windy. Fabulous! Am not sure if I am hysterical or delirious, only that if someone else were here I'd probably be laughing at all of this but I'm really not right now. It's far from amusing.
Checked into my hotel which represents several types of s*** despite costing me EUR200. The only blessing is that it's all-inclusive which means that I will probably spend the next 4 days getting s***-faced and stuffing myself silly. I wandered about a mile along the road (well, when I say wandered, I actually mean I set off all wrapped up in my fleece and raincoat and was buffeted along the road) to the only bookshop in town. I have no reading material left although I could make Latin or South America my mastermind topic given that I've read the Lonely Planet guides a few times now! The only books they had in English were historical or political and I ended up buying one (at the extortionate cost of GBP20 - it was the cheapest in the shop!) on ways to kill Fidel Castro. I'd better not be spotted by the police otherwise they night arrest me for being an assassin or something!
Was having dinner this evening (buffet - my fave - except when it's Cuban food) and a little old man came shuffling over and started asking me a load of questions about the hotel and whether they should tip etc. Then his wife emerged too. It turns out they thought I was a travel writer doing a review on the hotel. Ha ha ha. Not quite sure why. Must be that well-travelled, critical look I have in my eyes! Maybe this is my calling in life though......
Am now sitting in my room, trying to ignore the sound of the raging storm outside, with my pina colada in a plastic cup (classy as always!) and trying to find some telly to watch - choice is Spanish (could be good for practice?), Chinese (the Communist connection?) or French so am a wee bit limited. Maybe it's time to confuse my brain even more and attempt the Froggy channel.
Spoke to Viv (thanks Viv for keeping me sane!) and it was so good to talk to someone properly as opposed to pidgin Spanish or English! Anyway, she has reassured me that swigging rum out of the bottle does not make me a wino so have hit the bottle again. At least I'm not doing it first thing in the morning.....yet!
13th January
Well, who would have thought that 4 days on a beautiful white sandy Caribbean beach would be spent cooped up in a crappy hotel wrapped up in fleeces, waterproofs and scarves during the day and sleeping in thermal long johns! On Sunday I decided I needed to get out of the confines of the hotel so I found the Varadero Beach Hopper which is an open top hop on/off bus that travels the length of the town. I swear I was doing some horizontal sky diving at one point as we were going so fast into the wind and even my eyelids were being battered about. Anyway, I went to the biggest and supposedly best shopping mall in all of Cuba. It was like a UK 1960s concrete block and only had about 10 shops in it, all of which were stuck in a time warp. Managed to kill some time there admiring the fashion, did a bit of extortionate web browsing then hopped back on the bus. Bought myself some creamy rum stuff (for about GBP2) so have been tucking into that every night before bed!
Having dinner every evening has been hilarious. The restaurant is so bright with its fluorescent lighting and everyone piles their plates up even though the food really is crap. The funniest thing is seeing everyone eating while wrapped up in hats and coats and looking like nanook of the north! I'm half expecting Jeremy Beadle to rock up any minute and say I'd been drugged and flown to the North Pole when all the time I thought I was in the Tropics! They ran out of red wine the 2nd night I was there (honest it wasn't me!) so I've had to make do with watery rose but the other night I did get an extra long hair in my rice so I feel like that made up for it.
Found out today that the whole world has gone mad and that it is snowing in Miami. Eh? So, at least I now don't think someone ahs a vendetta against me personally. Mind you, at least if I was in Miami I could keep warm in a shopping mall (and buy some warm clothes!) or sit in Starbucks drinking hot chocolate. Yummmmm, hot chocolate. Must get me one of those when I get out of here!
On Tuesday afternoon I went down to the bar (as I felt it may have warmed up enough to not require being wrapped up in a blanket) with my book and started on the pina coladas. Was joined by a Finnish guy in his 50s who seemed to know the life story of every guest in the hotel. He could have written a soap opera series. We were then joined buy the largest man I have ever seen. He was easily almost 7 feet tall and had the girth of a small planet! He was also very loud but very funny to boot. He's a Kiwi living in Canada. Within 2 minutes he had called me on my 'mask' (I thought that had gone given that people have been approaching me and talking to me) and then started to say I would be his 3rd wife. This started off as being quite amusing but then he went and got me a whole load of flowers and then got the entertainment guy to come over and profess his undying love to me while singing and bending down on one knee, very loudly and in front of everybody! Managed to escape, had my final meal of the usual rice and beans and set off for Havana for my last night in Cuba - hurrah!
So, to sum up, in my humble opinion, Cuba is a land:
-that has some wonderful Spanish colonial architecture but the vast majority is concrete Communist crap!
-that could run the entire country's electricity supply on human emissions from eating beans
-full of guys who truly believe that by shouting "I love you" in the street, you will instantly want to take them home with you (and home, home - not just your hotel)
-where guys will ask for your address without even having spoken to you. Typical exchange is: "Hola. You German, Canadian, Spanish? (they never guess English). Very beautiful lady. Please write down your address." Eh????
-where you should not go alone and on a budget
-that has some great music which is unfortunately watered down in most places for the tourists and is ruined by the constant hassling for money
-extortionately expensive
-with a wealth of fabulous old American automobiles (I call them that as that's what I think they are, rather than cars)
-that is a unique, even by Communistic standards
-where doctors and surgeons give up their jobs as they can earn more from waiting on tables or even begging on the street
-where every member of every family receives a monthly ration of rice, beans, 5 eggs, coffee, sugar, oil, salt, 1 bar of soap, 1 tube of toothpaste and 1 toilet roll. If they run out or need anything else they have to buy it - on an average salary of around US$10 a month. It's hard to get your head around.
-I have no intention of returning to! (Come on, this was my 3rd time so well-justified methinks)
-that provides free, unlimited education and theatre/sporting tickets to every citizen
-full of every nationality of tourist except Brits (didn't meet any). The most annoying had to be a bunch of French Canadians who flatly refused to speak English even though it was the only language that everyone else spoke, including the hotel staff. Ignorant pigs!
Anyway, that's it for Cuba. Am now samba-ing my way into Brazil!
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