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Anatomy of an overnight Bus ride to Siwa.....
......and why you should think twice about taking a public overland coach in Egypt.
Id been nervous about it all day. Mostly because my body had chosen today as the day to rid itself of the excess fluid Id been retaining. I was peeing urgently every hour in the hour and just hoped the 10 hour bus trip meant an on-board toilet. Inshallah (god willing).
I knew I was in trouble when the coach arrived and there didnt seem to be much luggage space left below. I clamboured aboard to discover, to my dismay, no onboard toilet. Hmmmm. But a quick glance allays my fears. There a plenty of old prostates here that wont make the distance. Toilet stops are a certainty. Inshallah.
Then the bus driver gets in with half a blazing durrie haging out of his mouth. Ok, so its a smoking coach. Choice. Just what I need for my chest infection. Did I mention he was a chain smoker?
8.04pm We're off, precisely 11 minutes before scheduled departure. Unheard of.
Here my second fear arose - being in a big bus in Cairo traffic. On a big bus without its headlights on! It seems that headlights are optional here at night and are flashed on and off to let other cars and pedestrians know youre coming, instead of beeping. I wish someone would inform those beeping throughout the night!! Oddly enough, from my vantage point, high above the driver, I could see the traffic spreading out like the parting of the red sea. It seems no one f***s with a bus in Cairo. Nice!
8.50pm. We finally leave Cairo city limits. Just the city. Not even the burbs yet. Driver has already smoked a dozen cigarettes.
9.42pm. Driver lights up his 24th smoke.
9.49pm. Lights up his 25th.
10.04pm. Two hours on the road and bladder holding out. Inshallah.
10.06pm. Old guy behind me starts snoring like a chainsaw, a nice combo with the distorted arabic music screeching from the overhead speakers. (can someone explain why all arabic music is played this way?)
10.06.01pm. Ipod engaged. Chillin out with Maxwells Urban Hang Suite.
10.08pm. Maxwell bliss disturbed by guy opposite yelling into his mobile, clearly trying to be heard over the screeching and chainsaw.
10.09pm. Driver lights up 100th cigarette ingeniously with one hand while texting with the other!
10.24pm. Driver pulls over to a roadside stop for what I assume to be a toilet break. Suspicions confirmed when half the contents of the bus spill out onto the verge. Old prostates heading for the WC, young prostates to light up. Correction, this is a driver-only smoking coach. Decide not to get off the bus. Afraid of a) losing my seat, b) having my stuff flogged, and c) breaking the seal.
10.55pm. After dinner, drinking tea and smoking another dozen cigarettes, driver and co get back on the bus and we take off. Some loser still comes running up banging on the door, having been left behind.
10.57pm driver gets a phone call and starts yelling and waving his arms about - at least he has the sense to slow down to 60 and pull over a bit.
11.04pm. Chainsaw arcs up again.
11.12pm. Driver turns the bus around and we head back the way we came. What the...!!!
11.13pm. False alarm - just doubling back to exit to El Alamein. Inshallah.
11.17pm driver turns on TV monitor just above my head and turns it up reeeeeeal loud. Poor Maxwell is completely drowned out.
1.24am. Spent the past two hours attempting human origami. Failed miserably. Wishing Id taken up yoga instead of pilates right about now. Though the pelvic floor exercises have worked a treat! Inshallah.
1.37am. Driver has smoked a carton of cigs. He appears to have his own independently sprung seat, like a personal bouncy castle. Hes getting some real air up on these bumpy roads. I expect him to spring through the roof of the bus any minute now. Inshallah.
1.48am. We're hurtling along. The speedo on the dash goes from 0 - 120km/hr. Its unclear at this point if the bus is speed limited to 120 or if the dial has simply fallen off. It feels like we're going a little faster than 120. 122 maybe. Or 140. Im sure he slows down to 122 on the bends.
2.04am. 6 hours in. Marsa Matrouh appears like a blazing bushfire against the night sky. Correction: against the insanely early morning-night sky. Pretty sure my bladder is petrified. And I dont mean frightened.
2.35am. I think we've pulled up at the busstop in Marsa Matruh. But everyone has just gotten off. Hmmmm.
3.05am. Still waiting at Marsa Matrouh
3.10am. Final leg to Siwa. Just me, the Driver, and three mates. Three hours to go. Inshallah.
4.09am. Good God!! I think I fell asleep!
5.19am. First light. Drivers smoked another carton. Nothing but flat yellow sand. Freezing my t*** off. What am I doing here?
6.13am. Siwa appears as a green smudge on the horizon. Think my lips have frozen to the window.
6.32am. Siwa bus station. Driver is buried under a mountain of cigarette butts. Bladder? What bladder?
6.33am. Fall down prone and start kissing the ground. Collect myself and meet my transport to Adrere Amellal. I made it!!!!!
So next time youre in Egypt give an overland coach a try. Or try a donkey. Youll be fine. Inshallah.
- comments
Jenn Bowers Glad to hear you made it Cheryl! Canada was worried about you!
Julie Wow!! what an episode!! Crazy!!
Tam Hilarious!!! and oh so true!! Takes me back to overnighters in Turkey. Chain smoking compulsory for all onboard, entire bus washed from bumper to bumper at every stop (why?!?) and yes the screeching music at full volume through distorted old speakers...the pleasures of travel hey!! Thank God we're not 6'5'' and have to bifold the legs as well!! Good luck on the road back. xx