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Hey, I'm not sure where to start really... i was going to write about the fantastic weekend that i had, but now i can only think about the last 24hours! i think i will try and talk a little about my weekend, even if only to give you guys a slightly more balanced picture of my time out here, its really not all terrible (although after today i think maybe it is!) Also i feel the need to apologize, i had kind of intended this blog to be a documentation of my experience, but it had ended up being more of an 'emotional CAT scan (won't quote you babe.x) i guess its my debrief, i have never been into writing before now, but it really helps to make sense of things. I hope nobody thinks that I'm completely self obsessed, writing about my feelings all the time, but i would like to say that i will try to focus my writing from more of an objective perspective, but I'm not sure in reality that's going to happen!

Okay, so i do go on a bit hey, i miss chatting rubbish you know, people here are lovely, but i now realized that my social interactions resemble a stuck record! And when i try and deviate from our usual chat, things get very complicated, so i keep it simple, and in the mean time i feel like I'm forgetting to speak English, which I'm sure you will all be agreeing with when reading this terrible blog!

I am desperately trying to block out my day for just a minute so i can write something other than drivvel, but i can't so i figured maybe I will just write about it, get it off my chest and then maybe i will be able to function like a normal person.

I went out with the trekking team today, i have the job of clinical advisor, most of the team don't have any professional qualifications, as staff are hard to come by round here. So i am to train and improve the antenatal service. i was pretty excited, we piled into a pick up truck, along with various boxes of medical supplies and set off. We drove a fair distance along dirt roads, towards a never ending horizon, until the road got so bad and we had to get out and trek. When i say trek it probably conjures up a picture that it is not!! I mean it is a trek and they call it trekking, but you know this country is completely 100% flat. There is not even a slight gradient in the road! And its hot, really really hot, which i guess actually totally makes up for the lack of hills. I would say it was more of an endurance test than a trek... anyway, i think you get the point hey! They have 9 stations, and trek 3 times a week on a rotational basis, so essentially each one of the 9 villages gets a visit every 3 weeks!

So we get to this mud hut village, (in the middle of nowhere) and set up our clinic. We organize our space into, antenatal, medical, immunization, and child health. Its fantastic actually, these people have no other means of accessing health care, the hospital is to far away and people here are very poor, so have no means of travel. The antenatal part went well, i trained my apprentice the basic skills, and implement policies when diagnosing abnormal conditions. Then when we finally got though the what seemed like never ending line of women, i went to the child health program. There are hundreds of women all desperate to get there kids seen to, the place is so crammed, its hot and i feel like i want to pass out! We treat kids for all sorts, mainly malaria, but also a lot of infections, malnourishment, and conditions i won't even attempt to spell! I see kid after kid, diagnosing (to the best i know how) and prescribing (with our very limited selection of drugs) until the kid facing me is seriously ill, i tell my team that he needs to go to hospital..........

'Its not possible, they have no means of travel'

'So we will take them' (i said)

'No room in the truck, and its against hospital policy'

'he can have my space, and screw the policy' (i said)

After a little more chat it was sorted, the boy and its mother would come in the truck and i would some how hang off the back bumper!

The queue is smaller, but still many people waiting to be seen, it's been a long day and the evening is drawing in. I was then informed that we were almost out of medicine and i would have to go and select babies/children in the queue for treatment! We had not nearly enough treatment for even half and to me all these kids looked sick... I can't believe i had to do this.... I battled with the idea of going to get more treatment, but there was no chance, even i could see how unrealistic that would be. It was too far, and too late. It's so bloody frustrating, we can't even go back tomorrow as then we wouldn't make it to the other village. so we won't be going back to this village for 3 weeks.... and i had to choose which kids i was going to treat, knowing full well the kids i didn't treat most probably wouldn't be here in 3 weeks time. How do you do that? It kind of reminded me of that seen in pearl harbor when Evlin had to put lipstick markings of the foreheads of people that she didn't think would make it! The only difference this is not a movie, its real!

So somehow i did, i selected a few babies/children and treated them, the rest i walked away from, i walked away from them, with their mothers on their knees begging for me to help. I walked away. How is that possible? Is it even human? How do i sleep now, knowing that i condemned a load of innocent children? And more importantly how will their mothers rest knowing it will be too late before we come again? And how will the children cope with all their pain and suffering?

We head back along the dirt roads back to the hospital, it was a pretty tough journey, i was feeling so weak, somehow i managed to hold on to the back of the truck with my toes gripped tight onto the bumper, closing my eyes all the way to avoid the dust which was being kicked up by the wheels.

I can see now that I was pretty naive, thinking we could just take the really sick ones with us and make them better, because so many are really sick, and pretty much all of them need treating.I guess that's why they have to have policies, or else it's not fair? But then surely its better to save one than turn your back on all of them?

All I can hear is my mum saying ' Kate, you can only do your best… you can't save all the babies in Africa!'And although I know she is right, you know it's bloody hard to accept!

So i feel completely drained now, i was hoping that after sharing my load i would feel better, and perhaps able to tell you about the more happy stuff, but i can't, i feel completely crap, so I'm going to have to leave it at that, return to my hut, and hope that in some way, with time i may find peace within myself.

I promise to return to this computer with my happy stories of hippos, crocks and dancing fire flies!

Until then, all my love Kate xxx