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It was pretty hard to get up this morning, partly because I was totally exhaused, emotionally drained to say the least, and also because I wasn't sure if I could bear another day like yesterday, I'm not sure I'm a strong enough character, and I think I will destroy myself before the small possibility of making any change.
I did, however, muster the strength to navigate my way across the country to the hospital.
Surely the day can't be worse than yesterday!?!?!
Well maybe it wasn't quite as bad, but I can still say, with all my heart, that it was still completely s***! I just can't believe the conditions in which these women are having their babies in and the manner in which they are treated and are expected to behave. I always thought that not much would phase me but this is so very hard to get my head around. I just know I have to get a grip as otherwise, I'll just do more harm than good.
So after delivering two more dead babies, I'm really feeling completely numbed to the bone, I can't make sense of anything, my eyes are stinging and blurry and my heart hurts. It's not just the delivering of a dead baby which is so hard, it's how the tragedy is managed. There is one labour room with loads of beds, very close together, there is no privacy, no explanation of anthing to the women and naked dead bodies are left on the side for all to see. Vaginal examinations are carried out with no cream, the pained women are just slapped around the face and told to be quiet and pushing hard on the abdomin in attempt to help the baby out, it goes on........
Just as I was gathering my things to leave a young girl then gets carried in by an army Officer, she had been brought in from a rural village and she spoke a tribal language that no one on the unit was able to understand. She is a 14 year old girl and completely terrified, some part of me wanted to keep walking but I couldn't, I knew I had to stay with her. I became very protective over this young girl and tried so hard to help her. From what I had seen I was questioning if, prehaps, it was wrong to try and engage with african women in the same way I would a western women, perhaps they dont need the same support, prehaps they dont want it, prehaps it is more destructive to them in the long term???
I was keen to find the foetal heart this time as I couldn't take another unexpected still birth and thankfully...... I did. Okay so at least we have a chance. This poor girl, so terrified and completely alone had been a victim of female genital mutilation. On examination it was clear there was no room for the baby to come out, she was trying so hard, I held her hand and tried so hard to take the pain away when she was cut open with no anesthetic (as they didnt have any) and with a blunt pair of scissors. The baby was born, however..... not breathing......
I found a heart beat, I knew there had been so refused to believe it when the midwives said, 'this one is also dead'. I rushed it over to the resuscitator, which was of course broken. I had a bag and mask with I used to inflate the lungs, the heart beat was now very weak. I called for help and got no response. I was so angry as there was plenty of people there but nobody thought it was worth it, so I started chest compressions and ventilation breaths, it was so hard on my own. I carried on and in no time at all the heart rate picked up. I continued with the ventilation breaths and soon the baby began crying. I couldn't believe it. I can't begin to explain what I was feeling. I wrapped it up and took it to its mother. We exchanged a look that I will never forget.
I then left the hospital.... again found a quiet place and sobbed.
Is going to Africa for a few months and saving the odd baby really good enough? This was a life that I can say would have been lost had I not been there today, so yes it is worth it, but something has to change. This life was not saved with the use of fancy equipment but just through education and basic skills, so I guess there is hope. I just hope I'm not involving myself too deep and I question whether I'm helping a country or interfering in a culture that I have no idea about.
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