ric Allrite b**** Its bin a couple a week since i last txt u , no excuses other than i bin comin down like a mother f***er n bin unable to string a sentance together let alone add to the Bolton journal. Well last time i spoke to you we were in Southport and what a f**** day that was.When we got there we headed straight for the beach for a spot of sunbathin cos it was hot as f*** that day but somthin happened down on that beach though that will haunt me till the end of my days.On arrival at the beach me n signet just crashed out hiding from any women and children that may have bin about so not to offend them with our sweatin and extreme gurning while spud n tin ed played badmington and built sandcastles. Far to energetic for me i was just happy to sit get stoned n soak up the sun and scenery as i was dressed in full sunbathing gear in the form of jeans and a jumper, Happy days was sweatin like a negro on a rape charge.After a while spud n tin ed began to construct the mother of all sandcastles it was f**** awsome mate like a f**** replica of the taj ma hall, even had a f**** flag on top ( well a lolly stick and one of my socks) but it served its purpose. All it was short of was a moat, just as they stood back to admire their masterpiece when a f**** little Scouse boon(the worst f**** type) flew across the f**** beach like a stelth bomber and flattened the f**** lot and then got off as fast as he arrived.LITTLE b******! All i could do was sit and watch in disbelief due to my drugged up state but should i have been in a better state i would have persuded the little c*** to the end of the earth and burried him up to the neck in the sand and left him for the f**** seagulls. Got a bit of beef with them seagulls meself but i shall tell u more about that later. After that trauma i didnt think anythin else could rattle me as much as the sand castle incident cos it got to me more than 9/11 got to america but then the most horrifing thing that could happen to a drugged up male at a sea side resort happened. It rattled me to the core mate and as i said earlier it will haunt me to the end of my days and some. Well here goes, while sunbathing and recovoring from the above, a couple of lads n a bird came n sat quite near us on the beach which i had no problem with untill ther f**** freaky b******s started to strip down to their sunbathing attire. The bird was the only normal one their cos the f**** lads were proper f**** space cadets and thats bein polite. Normal english attire for sunbathin is jeans and a jumper but not these sick f***ers one of em was sporting the shortest pair of shorts u can imagine and the other (wait for it) MOTHER f**** SPEEDOS. oH YES SPEEDOS.Everybody knows the only man alive that looks good in speedos is Mr Hasslehoff. WHAT a nob ed eh but then the plot thickened the filthy f***ers started to grease each other up, sombody really needed to tell these guys they were in southport not f**** hawai. A fter they had been their for a while it became apparent that the short shorted f***er had taken a likin to your spud cos he kept staring over and prentending to txt blatently staring straight over the top of his phone in our direction and then it happened, just writing about it is making me shudder. The filthy david hasslehoff wanna be mother f***er stood up with a wopping f**** hard hard on protruding from the front of his shorts. OH MY f**** GOD, it was f**** horrendos we had had to leave the beach, in a better state i would ov gone n stamped on the tent errectin t*** but yet again i just had to turn away in dissbelief.Dont worry mate should the filthy b**** have stepped one foot near your spud sporting that hard on me n signet would have mustered the strength and wrestled the dirty b****** to the ground and burried him with nothin but his hard on pokin out the sand. The f**** seagulls would have had a field day pecking at that maggot.Now we needed to seek salvation else were and we found it just behind the boating lake in the form of a bowling green, looked lke a right set of f**** winos getting pissed n gurning like mother f***ers but we were happy as larry all on our lonesome, no normal people and more to the point no f**** filthy b******s sporting hard ons. Happy days, cant really remember much more of that day though as the sand castle and hard on inncident eclipsed any other memories of the day. More installments to come mate just cant write any more got cramp in me typing finger. May the force be with u my young padoin. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- f***, that MUST have taken you a while! Some cheeky speedo wearing maggot smuggler started shaking his erect "thing" your way? I can accept you excuse for not beating it off with stick, but that's just plain sick! Don't worry: walking around wearing Speedos in Southport, he'll get his comeupence. I'm sure some bald scouser ambushed him shortly afterwards, mistaking it for a joint docker. Bar that, sounds like you've ben having F-U-N: getting pill ravaged, stoned, pissed and enjoying the abnormal English weather. I've just been getting stoned-as-a-motherf***er, everyday. Last couple of nights were pretty cool, chilling out on the street bars in Saigon and drinking for two hours for less than 40p. Welcome to Beer Hoy. I leave 'Nam tomorrow and i've got two and a half weeks in Cambodia. (I'm considering getting a crosser and doing another one man expodition, up to the north (they have unexplored territory up there and conservationists believe there are still tigers, elaphents and leopards - if there is, i'll find the f***ers!), but I need to find someone to travel with because the roads are dangerous (basically, troden paths). Yeah, so i'm looking for trouble; but, all is good at the moment. I'm in a town near the Cambodian border. Not a foreigner in site - heaven. I blend in quite well here, all I need is a conicle hat and a few black teeth and, happy days, "Matthew, tonight i'm going to be VIENAMESE". Hold that thought. Anyways, enough of this bollcks, i'm getting back on the road: smoke a few joints while rolling over mountains and cruising by stilt houses on the big green river. It's just another day in Vietnam. Won't be long now till I have to see your f***ing face again. s***. Hope you've had a wash since : ) May the force be with you, man. Hasta pronto Kam

tin ed alrite bezhadi boy its me tin gimme a bell as soon as you can. Laters

Ric Hows it hangin b****. Good to hear from u the other day mate, sounds like u avin a bit of a mad en.U reached Vietnam yet. Do me a favour while u there and forfill one of my dreams for me cos its somthin i always wanted to do but i suppose u can do it for me as i cant see me gettin to vietnam any time soon. Here are ure instructions and they must be followed carefully in order to forfill my dream to the button. On your first mornin there when u wake up get out of bed walk straight over to your window, throw the f***er open and scream as loud as u can" GOOOOOOOOD MORRRRRRRNIN VIETNAM" A small harvest while u doin it wouldnt go a miss as well. Will be f**** awsome. Glad to see u dishin some heed abroad. Likin your designs, hope your signin your work. All good heed should be dealt with a signature. Heeds goin global, hope u spreadin the word of b******ism as well. Fellow b******s are runnin thin on the ground at the moment so any new recruits are more than welcome. Think Fox has bin lost to the dark side but im still fighting the good fight youll be pleased to know. Our tickets for Creamfields have come today.Oh the joys. Considerin gettin me, spud and tin ed some name tags for the occasion, with full name and adress on em so we can be returned home safely if found in a state of drug induced delerium. Had a easy weekend this weekend, well when i say easy, i mean i didnt go harvestin but still kept to the strict narcotic regime your spud has set for me.Was up at the signets most of the weekend. Your gonna have to get home soon mate the f**** lamas are calling to me .They need to be freed.I had a vision this weekend in a drugged up stuper, picture this. Riding of into the sunset on the back of a fine long haired lama, with a prize showjumping peacock under your arm and salmonela riddled terapin stuck to the peacocks back while being closly followed by a local herd of Brontasauras's. How cool is that! So that is why the lamas need to be freed! I think this regime is slowly sending me mad. The signet found a new hobby this weekend. Sabotaging local cricket matches.Wish u could of seen it mate, he started circling the cricket pitch on a BMX with Pez (the dog) runnin behind im.After goin round a couple of times he just picked up pace pedaled straight across the middle ov the pitch and booted all the wickets over then just pedaled off. Was funny as f***. Anywayway b**** gonna get of now cos im in need of a gizzard and im at my mums so i have to go and make it in stealth outside. May the force be with u my young padoin! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Word up negro Yeah, all is good in the world of Kam: I should be in Nam the day after tomorrow (all going to plan, which it never does), after getting high for about three weeks solid on some decent Lao grass. I think I should have done it the other way round: it's far too relaxed here. But I have had a quality time over the past three day, on a bunch of river islands close to the Cambodian border. No electricity (well, only between six and ten pm) and the days are EA-SY. You have a choice between getting stoned (my personal favourite), cycling around (EA-SY), walking (sweatlike a mother-f***er) and eating. Sleeping's hard (mosquitos and sweat). Damn fine place and green on tap for half-a-penny, i'm telling you. Don't worry about fulfilling your dream mate: it's my dream too. I have every intention of gangling my swede out o' that Hanoi guesthouse window on Friday morning, with damn fine Robbin Williams impression, don't you worry. It will be filmed (and I, probably shot). And I can see you llama vision/scenrio type thing as well, count me in (don't know where you'll get the brontosaurs, though). Definately has a religious feel to it - The Saving of Llama from Mossbank Park, Chapter 11, book of Rick, b******ism. Write it and bury it. You want to keep the reigns on that signet character: god knows what madness you'll run into next with that billy-ridden fool let loose on the streets. Heed my words, brother. Im off now, man: far more important s*** to do, like smoke a fat grass joint by the Mekong. Laters Kam

Ric Allrite b****,Im a free man got found not guilty. Happy f**** days. 12 month on bail and they couldnt keep me down . Beefy Beefy. Takin on armed mercenaries eh, your a brave man.Bet he were 3ft tall with a bb gun really. Had another mad en last weekend cos i had a lot to celebrate.Started of in arkis friday dinner just after gettin out of court, by tea time i was f**** covered in cider with a bandana made out of nics hair round me f**** head. The weekend had begun.Started of in Bl1 and then went to Pepper alli for a spot of careoke and then scott fox decides i need a celabratory lap dance while the rest of the harvesters reeped some crops in fluid. The lapp dance was beltin i didnt know were to look. Well thats a complete lie i knew exactly were to look. Then of we went to our usual friday nite haunt ikon to get the old litesabre polished but when i got ther the chosen princess lea wasnt their.Gutted. Preparing to iniciate Shock and Ore on the b**** this week.That should do the trick.So after that lett down all that was left to do was get w***ered.So thats what we did (in style) Armed with a bag full of littlens me signet spud n danica arrived at my flat and boy did danica get w***ered. I aint never seen sombody breakdance on a couch before.The girls gonna have to teach me some moves. When it got to about dinner time we set off to the sacred watering hole (Arkis) were we proceded to hide in the bck yard as we all looked a bit w***ered to say the least.After ralling some morwe crusaders we set off up to brents to watch my beloved England get knocked out of the world cup by them f**** portugese t*** . Die Ronaldo Die. So we decided that we should drown our sorrows with yet another bag full of littlens. You can see were this is goin. After bein at brents for a few hours Signet decides we need to go moss bank park . Sounded quite a good idea so off we all went. On the way, i got the best idea ever i was gonna bust out a lama from the zoo and ride of into the sunset. Unfortunatley by the time i got to the park i was so enthraled by the sea saw and so dissapointed by the poor performances of the slides i forgot all about my trusty steed. They will be mine oh yes they will be mine. We then all sat on a boat in the sand pit with some strange people while i sailed us to barbados via blackpool. By sundi dinner me n spud are the last two standi lookin rather disheveled but not a thought ov sleep in our minds. So we decided in our infinate wisdom we needed another bag of littlens to help us on our way. We ended up off our rockers watchin hollyoakes omnibus. Somthin had to be done. So we rallied up two revelers in the form of signet and nic and set of to our usual spot up barrow bridge. Was great havin a paddle gurnin and drinkin then the heavens opened it was like a f**** monsoon and we ended up pissed wet through hidin under a bridge in the f**** stream swingin our f**** jaws like mad men. Was a picture. We then decided to get a taxi home, which took f**** ages and then broke down at the top of the road. Happy days. N that just about sums up the weekend. Come bck soon mate n save me from these crazy people u left me with. M ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ha-a-a-a HA That sounded like a belter - You, Cara, The Signet and Danika - you picked some true crusaders there.... And I pissed my sides at the comment about Danika's break dancing on your couch; messy birds are funny as f***! But I can't believe you watched Hollyoaks omnibus whilst gunned (dissapointed Richard), and don't you dare free that lama till I get back (that was my damn idea!). Well, it was only yesterday I spoke to you, so I don't need to congratulate you twice on your vindication (do I?); but yeah, well done. Keep your paws to yourself next time, Ali. And yeah, poor, beloved, England knocked out of the almighty world cup. I have always said: if you don't learn from history then you are condemned to repeat it - and England are shat, so they'd better start learning (for your sake, not mine). I did watch it, saw them lose, laughed, ate some shrooms, and then tripped my ass off like never before! Oh, such a tragic evening. All's good here anyway: stuck in Vientienne while my 'Nam visa is processed on Tuesday. I love Laos, though. I've never been to a more socially welcoming and scenically magnificent country. I will come back here but I fear it will become commercialised in the future (there is only one ATM in the whole country and not a single MacDonalds - they should f***ing keep it that way!) Alors, I've got to update my diary, so i'll chop it here. Take care, think wisely and, most of all, be happy (as long as happiness doesn't involve boxing goths). Kam

Ric Il try agin, f**** computers drive me mad never do what i want em to only got half way through me message and it fuct me of, b****** thing.Anyway as i was sayin the lightsabre will be gettin polished should i have to to drag any old ewok home, i will not resort to the contingency plan. Just had a mad weekend wi your spud that girl should come with a health warning. Went ikon fri,the nite out wernt that brite but it was f**** mental when igot home had allsorts of strange people bck at mine. Some heed got dished to young dev, was a proper masterpiece. mad thing was he was dressed up in full drag while i was doin it. I think he looked really sexy. Sat nite just stayed in but ended up wi more people at mine than f**** fri, i had matty and ste braid terrorising any f***er that made eye contact wi em. Nic and her usual mob of admirers which i can gladly say i am not one of any more,Tin ed and Brutus f**** sloshed as usual and me spud n king marley still f**** rinced from the nite before.A proper cocktail of characters eh. MY head was fuked to say the least all i could do was sit bck gurn and watch the madness in front of me cos i was unable to speak as every time i did i forgot what i was talkin about. You can imagine the scenario. Speak to u again soon. May the force be with u my young padoin. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you write this when you were gunned? Crazy f***er Sounds like its a bit chaotic in the Land of Rick at the moment, with all the usual jackals rearing their ugly heads (ha-ha). Still doing the Ikon walk (adopted any other new harvesters)? Ain't NO harvesting over here, and when there is it ain't done by no westerner! Damn straight. I have taken some heed though, in the green green jungle (i'll tell you about it when I get back). Weren't pretty. But yeah bar that, it's all good. I'll try and give you a bell later on your mobile (tell Cara she owes me a tenner for the phone call the other day!), so i should speak to you then, ******. Laters Evans

Ric Alrite b**** Keep up the journal, well entertaining. The force is quiet strong at the moment but still aint got the lightsabre polished yet. D

Ric Alrite b****, hows thailand. U stumbled across any geezer birds yet . Believe ure strugglin to get some smoke. dont mean to rub it in my young padoin but i tuckin in to a splif rite now. nowt much been happenin bck here, just the usual s*** harvestin gettin high and attempt to get a bit of action. goin out wi your spud tonight,gonna harvest like a mother f***er cos this is maybe me last weekend of freedom so im havin it large all weekend. anyway got some soft n fruity to get through before i go out so do one. may the force be with u my young padoin and god speed u mother f***er. PS. bring sum ov that san yong s*** home sounds like some good s***, message u again soon mate if im still a free man . ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You Pilchard Unlike you to email, you technophobe! Good to here from you, sire. How strong the force been recently? Had to resort ot any melon and ham? s***'s going well - there's plenty of nutters of all over this side of the world, so I've been getting pissed EVERY SINGLE NIGHT since arrival. Managed to get a couple of spliffs last night from some Irish guys, and then I went round for an opium session...Nnn that's some good s***! High as f*ck in the pitch dark bar a candle (In the Lao village where we stayed they turned of all the electricity at eleven as the hole place ran on generators - proper junglin' it up). Laos is the place to be for addicts and tubing s the main sport, so i'z be getting high tonight! I'm sick of beer now anyway. I'll send all my pictures to Cara and i'm sure she'll bang them on a disk if you ask her politely. Tell her I said hi - i'll might try to call her tonight but it's a Saturday. Laters Gringo and good luck in court (i'm sure it'll collapse anyway).

Chris Mac Hi Kam Lovin the Journal, keep it up. Bangkok sounded interestin, luckily im only staying there for a few days before heading up to Chang Mai myself.. so all good hints and tips welcom... ps you find somewhere that sell good weed you let me know, yeah! Only 5 weeks till Melanie and I set off so not too long, hopefully you will still be kicking around - might even see you at one of the full moon parties.. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yo Christophe Lifes good over here. I left Bangkok early (thought it was crap, but supposedly that's what everyones first time's like), and bussed up to Chiang Mai - sheer quality. The royal guest house in Chiang Mai is nice 150-750B but has bed bugs (you can still use the gorgeous pool though). Only just managed to get some ganj; in Laos now. This seems like the place for me, but the government has prohibited FALANG from using 'peds so I can't scooch about as much as i'd like to. The guest house on Khao San Road in Bangkok where I stayed was s***e, can't remember the name. But if you want any advice or having any Qs about anything, let me know and i'll ask some other travellers if I can't help you. Oh, and I didn't manage to get any Ganj in Thailand - too risky. I'm in Luang Prabang now, after sailing down the Mekong for two days. Laters, mate Kam