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The pain comes and goes so I'll get straight to it - this blog will be a testament to the abilities of our Neighbours Tour Guide, not since a twelve-hour Sky Sports News Marathon have I remembered so much useless, trivial and overly fascinating information -
The History Lesson -
Who would of thought that on some non-descript day back in 1985 British television would hit the jackpot in the most unliklely of ways. BBC daytime schedulers took the risk to bring over the most mediocre of of Austrailian soaps, created by Reg Watson (see, I told you it was trivial) the man also behind the much loathed original Crossroads series and with an unashamed admiration for the British soap-stalwart, Coronation Street. It was with these two shows in mind that Watson seeked to create an Aussie soap representative of his surburban Bribane upbringing and after toying with such instantly forgetable titles as "People Next Door", "No Through Road" and "One Way Street" the Grundy Head of T.V Drama finally decided on the far more marketable "Neighbours" name. After composing one of the most catchy opening credits in television history courtesy of Jackie Trent, it was finally time to see whether Reg, Grundy and the Beeb had truly captured "the perfect blend" (see what I've done there???!!) 27 years, over 5000 episodes and my glorious obsession later it seems that Neighbours has evolved into a phenomon very few ever thought imaginable....
If I missed the 1.40, at least there the 5.35 - actually I might just watch it twice -
Where my love-affair with this soap began, I am completly unaware. I can see from the maternal rants upon our almost biblical message board that my mother is trying to claim a sub-concious awareness of the soap whilst I was cacooned within the womb. These fictinal theories have also been supported by a fellow Neighbours believer, Gavin Jackson, however I would suggest the latters adoration for the soap is more due to his lazy university first-year status, where he seemingly does about as much work as John Presscot in a Cabinet meeting (the most scathing of similies for you Mr. Jackson!!), and not with his mothers pregnacy televison cravings. No, there is little need for over anylsis, nor far fetched ideologies regarding some "born to be a Neighbours fan" existance, for to be honest, if I let myself admit to the shame, when I first saw Neighbours, I thought it was, well.......pretty crap?? Consequently when I was met with the rush of hatred that Josh Don has for the soap I could, at first, easily empathise with his emotions - he thought the script was cheesy and crass, he was adamant the actors couldn't act and most unsurprising of all, he thought the storylines were to "over the top". Following this assisanation of the soap from Lavant's most prestigious critic I responded by saying what I would have told myself all them years ago if I'd been more well-informed, and to anyone else who has any inkling of hate towards a show that has made 17.35 the most desirable time in a twenty-four clock - "you are completly and utterly correct". The beauty of the show, and the sole reason I adore it, is because it is aware how truly atrocious it is. Only in Neighbours would you get seven new characters introduced in single show, only in Neighbours would the local casonova be a one legged short-arse, only in Neighbours would a character die yet still very clearly be breathing on screen (here's looking at you Stingray - oh s***, did I ruin something??) and only in Neighbours would a character disappear for ten years and be written back into the script, merely due to a fans campaign, citing long term amnesia and Salvation Army membership as the reasoning for his long-term departure. In terms of the actors "acting" I think the script writers get as much joy out of it as we do. They so clearly can't act (think Gareth Southgate Pizza Hut adverts) that the writers give them lines so laughable that not even Robert De Niro could act them out whilst saving a slice of dignity. Essentially, if you want hard-hitting s**t which makes you think for days after about its monumental importance watch Panorama, if you wanna slit your wrists five days a week, watch Eastenders, however if you would like twenty-two minutes of the most clean cut laughter you will ever experience, come and indulge in my obsession - watch Neighbours!!!
My Day On The Street -
From the pictures you've have no doubt already looked over, and for the rant I have just gone on regarding Austrailia best export (John Alosi is second, Dame Edna third, the Kangeroo a worthy fourth) I should not need to express in any great detail how excited I was at heading to Ramsey Street on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Melbourne. Whatever had happened previous, whatever might happen next, this for me was the undenyable highlight of the trip; the sole reason to travel ten-thousand miles across the planet and to work my arse for six months solid. This was my spiritual homecoming in its most emphatic form. First impressions??? Well, Ramsey Street, or Pin Oak Court as it is really known, is very very pokey indeed. What became frequently clear throughout the day is the Neighbours producers make a whole lot of television, out of very little indeed. The camera angles they use in the street cleverly capture the opposing street in the suburb making it look a whole lot longer. Further testament to their "less is more" abilities is the fact they use the back entrance of there television studios as the fictional front entrance of Erinsborough Hospital. Our tour-guide, whoms words I clung on to as if he were some kind of prophet all day, initially led us from house to house (however, we were warned, your not allowed anywhere near the front entrances of the houses, not even the letter-boxes, otherwise the jobsworth security guards whom are present twenty-four hours a day, would castrate you or something akin!!) telling us who has lived there and how they ment their either grizzly or gory end. Following this, he offered us some time to take snaps infront of the residential homes of those fictional legends and also picture time infront of the overwhelmingly cool Neighbours Tour Bus, or, if we preferred to ask him any question we had. Whilst most ventured over to the houses with cameras aplenty I approached the tour-guide ready to unleash every pore of my Neighbours questioning - the poor man had no idea of the Paxman-esque grilling he was set to partake in -
Me - What the hell happened to Joe Scully, I loved that guy and then one day he just upsticks and leaves the greatest street in the world and now all I see is he's ended up in bloody Sheilaghs Wheel adverts. It makes me sick. Explain yourselves.........
Startled Tour Guide - Joe Scully's departure was a contreversial one. Essentaily he got the sack because he and his fictional wife Lyn Scully, struggled to be in the same room together. They truly dispised each other (how could anyone hate Joe I thought) and therefore the producers were forced between the two characters and went (very wrongly) with Lyn presumedly for her character longevity. However, and this is where is gets really interesting, Joe Scully took Neighbours to court for wrongful dismissal and that caused great ructions throughout the street as Karl Kennedy, who was friend with Joe, went to court and defeneded his ousted friends, conversly though Karl's on-screen wife Susan went to court and defended Neighbours producers. It was a tense couple of months apparently. The court cased ended and Joe Scully won damages in the region of $100 000.
Me - If this is a actual residential street, whats in it for the residents to live here?
Recovering-His-Composure-Tour Guide - Each residents of the street are all under contract with Neighbours. Depending on how much their house is used all residents get somewhere in the region on $20 000 a year for the usage of there front yards. There is one rogue house at the end of the street (see photos) that refuses to have anything to do with the show (idiots!!!). Filming only takes place on the street two days a week, taking into account weather conditions, and ther only thing residents have to do is closed there blinds and remove all their cars from the road. Easy Money!!!
Me - Who earns the most on the show?
Now-Keen-To-Show-Off-His-Knowledge Tour Guide - Thebiggest earners on the show are Alan Fletcher a.k.a. Karl Kennedy and Ian Smith a.k.a Harold Bishop who are earning around half a million dollors a year. However the actor who plays Paul Robinson has just signed a contract extension thought to be within the same region.
Me - Are the rumours true regarding the identity of the gay actor
Smug-b******-Tour-Guide - If your referring to Susun Kennedy, then yes.
Me - How much does an episode cost to make?
Tit - When the first Neighbours episodes were made they cost in the region of around $50 000 per episode to make, however nowadays that figure is more in the region of $250 000 (that must be Paul Robinson's prostetic leg then). However the producers of Neighbours only receive around 400K a week to make five episodes, therefore all other income is provided by the BBC. (never complain again about the cost of your television licenses!!)
I let the questioning stop there, slightly irritated by the tour guides ability to answer everthing that I threw at him - was he a greater Neighbours fan than me? Surely not, his answers were scripted and concise and didn't contain the unwavering passion for the show I clearly had in my questioning. Next stop after the street was a drive by the Neighbours studios, where the magic happened - I was only grateful it was Sunday and there was sure to be no filming going on that day as if they had been I may have attempted to climb the barb-wire fences in a herioc attempt to locate my...errrm...heroes.
The final cents of our forty dollors we paid for the tour went towards our infamous "meeting with a star", however I wont attempt to deny my disapointment when we were met by, not the rather sensational Peppar or brunnete beauty Rachel (its fine, in real life she's seventeen!!) but bloody Darcy Tyler (he was born in Portsmouth, you know!!)!!! And he had grey-hair!!! Yet it soon became clear the reasoning behind our meeting with this ex-star. Apparently Neighbours was in the height of a rebellion after Ryan Maloney a.k.a. Toadie had asked to do all Neighbours tours and Neighours Nights with his own company, and when the producers refused he pursuaded all current stars to strike in terms of "star meetings" therefore we never actually met anyone from the current show apart from Karl because he had special dispensation due to his band. I would have felt cheated and betrayed by the show denying me the privlege of meeting my heroes, however I had a saving grace, a saving grace in the most delectable form - the rather fantastic Isabelle Hoyland!!!!
Now then, I'm not going to go into great detail regarding the Neighbours Night the following evening, my reasons being two-fold - firstly, and I know I have used this reasoning already and it will be greeted with many a tut-tut, but I remember very little and that isnt because it seems like ages ago now. Secondly, Neighbours is just about to start on Channel Ten, and unlike England, they don't do repeats, and who would I be to preach to you about the importance of the goings-ons in Ramsey Street if I didnt veiw them religiously......
Always A Pleasure
xx
P.S. Josh hasn't missed an episode since we've been residing in Surfers...
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