Hello! It´s been a long time. Are you sitting comfortably? Then I´ll begin....

So after an initial blog entry which promised much (by which I mean it literally promised much, I´m not blowing my own trumpet about the quality of the writing), I have gone and let everyone down, including myself, by failing to write a single update since setting foot on South American soil 6 weeks ago. I know, I know. You´re not angry, you´re just disappointed. You should probably get used to it.

On the plus side, I can narrow down my long list of potential career paths waiting for me when I "grow up" by putting a big cross through ´Travel Writer` so, you know, every cloud..... (I´m going to leave ´Astronaut` and ´Lion Tamer` on there for now. And ´Benefit Cheat` of course).

So I had really intended on updating this every couple of weeks to give a flavour of a country as I am living it. What I did not plan on is having to write about my time in Brazil when I have already been in Argentina for two weeks. But that is the position I am in, so, without further ado, and from an internet cafe in Buenos Aires, I give you....BRAZIL!

To start with I´m going to list 10 observations, comments, facts and fallacies about Brazil:

1. Let´s start with some controversy. Brazilian women are NOT the most beautiful women in the world. In fact, I found them, on the whole, to be a little bit manly. There, I said it. Now this is a theory which seems to be shared by me and me alone but I am going to fly in the face of popular opinion here. If you´re a woman looking for some eye candy, however, you may be pleased to know that the beaches in Rio are packed with some pretty pumped Brazilian men, many of which made even a muscle bound freak like myself feel ordinary.

2. Said Brazilian men do enjoy an all over tan, which means that they are a big fan of the speedo. Luckily, this takes away any muscle related advantage they may have because, as we all know, you can´t help but look like an idiot in speedos. To be fair, outside of Rio, the phenomenon is much less apparent.

3. This one´s for the Brazilian government. If you´re not going to invest in a sewage system which can cope with toilet paper being put down a toilet then you could at least invest in bins with lids.

4. Brazil is expensive. A quick walk round the supermarket will reveal that shaving foam will set you back about 10 pounds, some fruit juice about 3 pounds and the same for a packet of crisps. Fortunately cachaca (the drink used to make caipirinhas) costs less than a pack of Doritos. Apparently.

5. Brazil is not the safest place in the world (at least, Rio de Janeiro and Sao Paolo aren´t). I have heard a LOT of stories from fellow backpackers plus things I have seen myself which are pretty eye opening. I am wisely opting to save these for when I get back.

6. It never rains but it floods.

7. Knowing how to speak Spanish does not give you the kind of advantage you might hope. Brazilians do not really have a second language, neither English nor Spanish. They will look at you blankly if you speak either. If you go, learn some Portuguese. Tuda bem.

8. Brazil appears to be a black hole for ´things` (although I suspect it may be slightly unfair to blame this on Brazil). In 4 weeks the following possessions were lost, stolen or broken:

• Camera
• Sleeping Bag
• Ipod
• About 100 pounds
• Padlock
• Day bag containing 1 book, 1 diary, 1 key to padlock
• Camera charger for replacement camera
• Travel adaptor

Not bad for a month.

9. Ice, some crushed limes and a week´s recommended sugar intake constitutes a mixer in cocktails.

10. Brazilians really do love dancing and football as much as we´re led to believe. And they are annoyingly good at both. That said, they were pretty blown away by my Peter Crouch-esque style in both.

OK, so there is a brief, vague, and in many ways useless summary of Brazil. I hope you liked it. This is Part 1. Part 2, whereby I actually tell you a couple of things I have been up to, will appear on this page in the next day or two. In the meantime, try to contain your suspense. Maybe watch the full Hollyoaks omnibus followed by the Eastenders omnibus. That should do it.

To be continued........