Funniest Quotes of the Trip - We think that this may be our favourite blog. The Global Village that is the world is definitely missing some idiots and we were lucky enough to meet many of them over the last six months. In the order in which it happened, this is the result:
"My wedding was absolutely atrocious" the Spanish Wedding Planner that we decided not to go with the day before our departure.
"I'd never bank anywhere other than Barclays" the sales manager at Metro Bank's flagship store's incredible statement as she tries to sell us a Metro Bank travel account.
"I don't understand why you can't just buy a PADI qualification for me. These tests are too hard." A rich Singaporean girl to her rather elderly (and even richer) American husband in Indonesia.
James to doctor on Gili Trawangan, Indonesia, "I think my ear infection has gone into my jaw." Doctor to James: "OK, we don't have much equipment here so i'll just turn on the flash on my mobile phone to look in your mouth..."
Norwegian guy trying to chat up a young Dutch girl on our boat trip to Flores, Indonesia: "I definitely learned a lot in Thailand. I saw two girls in a nightclub with a strap-on."
Same guy trying to chat up two Spanish sisters: "I wish I had a better zoom on my camera for while you were sleeping."
A restaurant sign in Ubud, Bali, Indonesia "Come and try our delicious food. Wanted: New Chef."
"If I was your mother, I'd have taken your balls away." Mrs Conron to James in Singapore on learning that he used to play snooker in his bedroom until 530am.
Call at Singapore airport: "Calling Passenger Yew Pong."
Six year old street seller in Saigon, Vietnam: "You wanna buy bracelets? Cigarettes? Fans?"
James: "Toi khong can (I don't want any)"
Six year old street seller: "F***ing ladyboy."
Six year old street seller's younger (yes, younger) sister: "Do you want to buy a razor? Man, you need a shave."
Vietnamese train ticket seller: "Sorry, miss, you can't buy a ticket for the top bunk."
Nicola: "Why not?"
Train ticket seller: "Because you're too big."
"Dear Mr iPhone, I confirm there is a room for you, double, for one night..." A sign that you should remove "Sent from my iPhone" from the bottom of your emails.
Nicola: "How was your shoulder massage?"
James: "Irritating at best."
"Taste some c*** today" A sign for the Creative Oriental Crafts Kingdom shop in Hanoi, Vietnam.
"Please do not let clothes get to spend your lipstick." A great example of 'Chinglish' on a sign in the girls' changing rooms in Kunming, China.
"Yak Meat of a Naxi Girl". The name of a yak meat shop in Kunming, China.
Chinese waitress at lunchtime: "Sorry but we're not serving lunch now."
Waitress: "Because the waitresses are eating their lunch."
"I have spoken to the chairperson of the organiser and booked you two seats on the Kathmandu Marathon." Our man in Kathmandu paints an appealing picture of this less than appealing event.
"Satisfying sportsmen is my job" Lovely-looking sales assistant's badge in Decathlon, Chengdu, China.
"Nippon Paint" a Chinese DIY shop for Kryts (don't work too hard to figure this out if you don't know Kryton).
After four days of no hot water in the guesthouse with "24-hour hot water". Nicola: "All I want is some vaguely warm water to wash my hair. Is that too much to ask?"
Tibetan guesthouse owner: "Yes."
As we begin our ascent via the Tibetan Friendship Highway to over 5,000m, we stop at a road-side store and our guide jumps out. On his return:
Nicola: "Oh, have you bought a can of oxygen for us for when we reach Base Camp?"
Guide: "No. New windscreen wipers."
"Please be aware of solicitors at the airport who misguide or give false information." A helpful warning at the Kathmandu Guest House.
An arrogant American gap year student at Everest Base Camp: "I just love teaching conversational English to my Chinese students. It's so important to be able to conversate properly."
"It doesn't matter where you go, you just can't escape a guy selling the Big Issue." Dave Smith posts our favourite blog comment on a picture of Nicola with James at Everest Base Camp, Tibet.
On our first day at the disabled children's charity we volunteered at in Kathmandu, James attempts small talk with a nine-year-old boy who had both feet amputated after falling into a fire: "So, do you walk to school?"
On our second day, James asked a boy born with no hands: "Do you want to play catch?"
On our third day, James says to a mentally-slow girl with short hair: "What a clever boy you are."
Label stuck to steering wheel of our ancient Everest-bound 16-seater plane from Kathmandu: "Read flight manual before operating." Errrrrrr, how about "Become a professionally qualified pilot before operating"?!
"We trust that your experience doesn't deter you from patronising us in the future." The General Manager of our post-Everest retreat responds to heavy criticism on Trip Advisor.
Nepali waiter: "Sorry sir but your dinner will be half an hour late."
Waiter: "Because the chef is eating his dinner."
"Taxi: rant here" Sign at Chitwan taxi rank, renowned for ripping off tourists.
Our new friend Max at an Indian restaurant: "Excuse me waiter, but I've just seen a mouse."
Waiter (with very heavy Indian accent and not a hint of sarcasm or humour): "All is well sir, do not worry yourself. It is a very honest mouse."
"Thank you for not scratching" Sign at Agra Fort Monument.
"Because there's more to life than just dogging." The strapline of a constantly-running TV ad from India's leading telecoms provider. We suspect that it was trying to say that there is more to life than just talking but the Indian accent made it far more memorable.
"Don't be a hell mate. Wear a helmet." India's Department of Transport's rather hilarious attempt at a road safety campaign.
"You need more than Deo, to beat B.O." Indian beauty product advertising doesn't take that much creativity.