I went to the Wat, in fact I came to Thailand, expecting to be "changed." As if unseen forces would just act upon me. What I realized clearly atWat Pha Lohm was that it was really HARD work to capitalize on this new way of thinking and being. I realized this when Iwent tospend a full day and night at Wat Pha Lhom.

5pm and we join the procession, led by the head monk, walking up and down the path in meditation. I think I'm starting to get it, the sun is setting, birds call from trees. I focus on the feet of Nalinrat in front of me, barefoot and clothed all in white, hands held at the chest in prayer position. The scene is set for meditation. .. I falter, and have to check my speed, my Western pace is about 5 times that of the procession. This simple act, of being deliberate about slowing my pace, takes some concentration. A motorbike goes by on the road and I can't help it, I look up.Back into the rhythm. My mind is almost peaceful.Some visiting Thai women strike up a conversation in the back. At first I am startled, then annoyed. Do they know how hard it is for me to concentrate?! Then I realize that no one else seems to mind…this is my first awareness of the deep underlying difference in relating to the world and those around them apparent at the Wat. This isn't the mystical, romantic place and people I had unconsciously built up in my mind. This was a place and a group of people who work hard to respond a certain way to the world around them, they are accepting of human nature and it's flaws while striving to improve their own nature.

I am quite enjoying the walking, the rhythm and peace of it, and then before I know it everyone is heading off in their own direction. We have a few minutes before we meet at the temple overlooking the water. The atmosphere here is not somber, it is not mystical, it is a bit like the feel before class, with people talking adjusting books/mats etc. Only the students here exude calm, and a peaceful happiness and good humor. When the head Monkjoins us he is smiling, as he is most of the time that I see him. He begins by welcoming me, he is very good but a little hesitant to use English, unsure of the rules in responding to him, I talk through Nalinrat. He jokes that although I won't understand the prayers, it will be like 'music.'I'm a little uncomfortable to be the topic of conversation, but he laughs and smiles and everyone seems content to wait.He seems unhurried, and I let myself relax a bit.

Prayers begin, melodic and beautiful as the Nuns voices mix with the deeper ones of the Monks. I can't help but to think how this temple is enriched by the presence of the women, and wonder how other temples view the mix.Twilight falls over the river, roosters and birds call, a breeze blows through the white tiled platform we sit on, over the nuns cloaked in white and the monk in their saffron robes. I try to clear my mind… My foot is numb and aching and I have to switch positions discreetly. I try to clear my mind…I keep an eye on the mosquitoes as they hover around, checking to see that the repellant I put on is doing it's job, yup, they land and then take off again quickly, phew. I try to clear my mind…did I pay my capital one bill? Hmmm, arrgh. I try to clear my head but am impeded by the fact that I am now getting upset over the fact that I can't clear my head! In the background the chanting continues, peaceful and hypnotizing. A light blinks on in Lao across the river, it's reflection cast across the water. This is how I pictured it, the scene is perfect.

But my mind jumps around, flitting from mundane worries to bigger ones, like what I will do when I get back to the states… I alternate between waves of peace and distracting worries.

Hourtwo. I start to get cold. My back hurts, I scold myself silently for not being more in tune with the set ting, how many times will I get the opportunity to be in a place like this?! I refocus my efforts, first forgiving myself for not being better at this, and then casting about for a focusing mantra, what should I reflect on?

We transition to meditation, the main Monk speaks in his soft voice, unhurried, words falling out like individual 'krathong' and gently floating away. It's a striking difference between the modern way of flinging words out, stepping over one another to be heard, as if we feel no one will take the time to listen, I guess we are often right in thinking that.

I close my eyes and let my mind follow the sounds, I finally stop waiting for the next word to come, and feel myself slow. I don't notice when the monk stops talking. I feel, for the first time since we began. Things I had been moving too fast to notice I was feeling come to the surface. Tears slide down my face, but I'm not altogether sad. I can feel the losses and disappointments, the parts of myself I'm not proud of, they float to the surface, but I feel acceptance. I breathe in and out, in my mind I see the breathes out colored like clouds of dust and debris being slowly removed from where I'd held them inside. Breathing in I feel lightness, rejuvenation. Aha.

In the third hour I get cold again, my legs and back have cramped up. I feel myself grasping at that feeling that I had, the moments of peace. All I can think of is that I want more time. More time to do the hard work that this takes. To learn to be still and open and accepting.More time to embrace the slow rhythm of acceptance and joy that pervades this place.

We go to our huts to sleep, I fall into bed, exhausted, slightly nervous about the 3am start in the morning.