The Drunken Kiwi: For those of you who don't know, the drinking culture here is friggin' nuts, to put it bluntly. Americans have nothing on kiwis in terms of amount and stamina. My neighbour told me the kiwi record is 20 drinks a night for two weeks. During the first week of the semester (they call it Re-Orientation Week), bars sponsor all kinds of events and have drink specials and whatnot, but by far the most entertaining of these venues is the Cook-a-thon, held at the Captain Cook pub, a Scarfie (that's slang for Otago Student) favourite. Basically, you show up at like 8 or 9 am in the morning in costume (guys in dresses, construction workers, power rangers, nuns, sailors, farm animals, whatever) and you pay a set fee (like 30 bucks) for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and discount drinks. So, you basically spend the entire day drunk. It's kind of ridiculous. I didn't participate, but there were drunk people all over campus being belligerent and insane. It was pretty entertaining. I also live on the party street (just look up Castle Street on Youtube and you will see what I mean...they burn couches...it's nuts), so it's a good thing I can sleep through anything (If Emily Sanders were here she would go insane and kill someone) because there are always people out yelling and smashing bottles. Oh and they love to smash bottles here, it's quite strange. As my kiwi-host Gretchen puts it, "you could get drunk at 5 am here, and no one would even lift a finger."

My Flatmates: My flatmates are Rob (from Montana) and Thomas (from South Carolina), and I have to say I think I got pretty lucky in terms of flatmates, especially guy flatmates, because I could have ended up with crazy people who get wasted 24/7 and throw up all over my stuff and never clean anything. That's not to say Rob and Tom are not without their guy-like traits (they always leave the seat up, and one of them seems to be quite unfamiliar with the concept that a clean dish does not have any remaining food on it). The sight of Thomas cooking is possibly one of the most hilarious things I've seen in my entire life, and oh my god HE FRIGGIN EATS EVERYTHING (Although he has complained that the cookies I bake are too fluffy, what the f***?? that's such a strange complaint.) He is also obsessed with fly fishing, and made us watch this documentary about The Citadel (where he goes to school)...so boring. He is so southern it's ridiculous, and he actually told me that he automatically dislikes people if they're from the north (it's a good thing that Virginia was part of the confederacy because otherwise I'd be f***ed). Just so its clear I don't have a crush on either of them (sorry to disappoint). There's a distinct line you draw when you're living with someone, it would just be weird.

The Annoying Canadian: Oh Gavin. This kid flats with my friend Karin, and is obsessed with boobs and orgies. Just look at the pictures he's tagged of me, and you'll see that most of his albums apparently take place in just such locations. There's this white board in their flat that we use to make lists of things to do whenever we're indecisive. Gavin always suggests "orgy," and he's the only person who votes for it. One time he walked me home from the Octagon one night and asked me if we could have sex. Talk about romantic. Granted we were talking about how "six" sounds like "sex" when you say it in the kiwi accent, so it wasn't completely random. But, still, he ditched me and walked back to his own flat, when I said, "Ummm no thanks." Whenever we go out he always tries to dance with Amber, and she always manages to awkwardly run away. I have often asked Gavin why the hell he is so f***ing horny????? and he never responds. It's rather amusing, because his flatmate, Tex, is so nice and gentlemanly. The contrast is unbelievable. (perhaps Canada does something to people...eh, Daisy...kidding that was a low blow)

Gretchen: Gretchen is my kiwi host. According to Thomas, all she does is drink (not water) and sleep. But, on a whole she's al lot less nuts than most of the other kiwi hosts, because although she drinks a lot, she's a lightweight by kiwi standards. Her conversations with Thomas are always amusing, especially the one about gun control. The cops don't carry guns in NZ, so Gretchen was terrified by the thought of everyone have a gun in the American south. She's getting her masters in marketing, and has introduced me to two of the most ridiculous kiwi soap operas on tv: "Shortland Street," and "Outrageous Fortune." I don't feel I could do them justice with a quick description here, so look them up if you are curious. Gretchen and I actually get along quite well because unlike Thomas I can make cookies from scratch (you'd be so proud, Cece) and understand the basic concept of cleaning the kitchen, and various other chores. She is all about the making s*** from scratch... she makes up recipes all the time its nuts. Gretchen also take great amusement in teasing Tom about his two girlfriends, kirsten (keer-stin) and kirstin (kur-stin). These girls are his cooking buddies, and they were always over at out flat at the beginning of the year. He gets so annoyed with us - "Gawd y'all, we're just friends."

The Boys of Arcadia: the guys from my program are some of the biggest dumbasses I have ever met. They always travel in a pack, and have spend the entire past month completely high and drunk off their asses. i have devoted an entire vignette to Andrew, so I won't waste any time on him here. John and Shawn have smoked every single day they have been here and are probably the most likely to get deported, aside from Andrew of course. In the first week Shawn had already gotten into a drunken brawl, and the next week rumours were going around about him in a cop car. Jordan and Jack are both extremely quiet, and Alex is such a negative nancy, which is probably why I talk to him the most (he is also the most likely to be sober). John is probably the funniest because he always tells me the latest crazy thing they've done when i see him around uni, and even sober he sounds like such a stoner.

Karaoke Night: During re-orientation week, one of the events was karaoke night and a bunch of us went. I didn't get to sing because we left early (I was supposed to sing "I will survive" with my friend Stacy), but a lot of my friends got up there and belted some tunes out. S-Club 7 songs were quite popular with the drunk Kiwis.

Taco Poblano: This is Dunedin's only Mexican restaurant, although I have my doubts about the validity of that statement. I was so excited about coming here because I have been craving Mexican food ever since I got here. What a friggin let down this place was. It was ridiculously expensive. Their salsa was not even spicy. I got a fish taco which consisted of a fish stick, a s***load of lettuce, a dash of tomato, maybe a couple onions, some sprinkling of cheese, and this little dollip of sour cream. WHAT THE f***? It didn't even have salsa on it. AND I had to order guacamole on the side for six bucks extra - this little tiny bowl of guac...friggin ridic. Alex described my reaction as an extreme form of culture shock, and he was probably right because I ranted for pretty damn long.

Fatties or Skinnies: Velvet Burger is the most amazing burger place in Dunners (short for Dunedin), and an awesome place to go get chips (fries) after a night on the town. They have two options for chips - fatties or skinnies. And the following description can be found on the back of every velvet burger chip bag... "It was a damn chilly night when Rich decided that Velvet Burger should sell chips. The boys thought it would be a pretty good idea to find out where chips actually came from, so after a brief gander at a little bit of porn on the net, they managed to talk Jimbo into googling it. Turns out chips actually start life as potatoes - who would have guessed? There was a bit of agro when Dave said we should sell skinny chips because they're the best. However, Eason was adamant he like his chips like his women "nice and fat." Things cooled down after a few cold beers and the lads all agreed that Velvet Burger would sell fatties and skinnies to cater to everybody's own preferences. Today, you decide what chips you prefer. Respect."

Sexual Shots: There are quite a few shots here with sexual names, so many that its kind of ridiculous. And they all taste really good. The "quick f***" has midouri and baileys. The " c*** sucking cowboy" has butterscotch and baileys; and finally, "sex on the beach" has baileys, kahlua, and banana something (yes sex on the beach is a shot here and not really a drink). You would love it, Cookie. The

Monkey Bar: This is a bar in an old church (the kind of unpc-ness that Em would love). They had a party for the international students there the first week we got here. It was sooo much fun, but normally this is more of a first-year hang out on the weekends and kind of lame.

Club Music: I have heard some of the most ridiculous club music here. The most memorable being a techno version of the American classic, "Country Road," by John Denver. One of my friends, Amber, who is from West Virginia, cringes every time they play this. They also play this medley from the musical Grease, and the annoying Canadian was astounded by my enthusiastic lip-synching rendition of "You're the one that I want," no doubt because he thought it was in reference to him. I've also heard clubs play "Stand By Me" later in the night, which seems to be an appropriate staggering home drunk song. If only they played Disney songs as well…. Kidding. Disney songs in a club would be a bit strange. Although, whenever I go to town with Amber, we end up singing Disney to annoy Gav Gav. We've even gone as far as to sing the highlights from Oklahoma, the Sound of Music, and Mary Poppins (Molly, Kam, and Em would be right at home…except Molly would actually be on key).

Andrew: I've saved the two most awkward stories for last. Oh my friggin god, this kid is possibly the most nuts person I have ever met. Andrew came through my program, so I sort of met him through orientation. But, honestly, we never really had a conversation or even really introduced ourselves. However, he lives on my street, and every time i walk into a party, he gets all of the arcadia boys to start yelling my name. But, then he doesn't say a word to me the rest of the night. Whenever he sees me, he says hi to me every ten seconds, and he is always so friggin happy to see me. At first he would call me "Young Helen," bizarre, I know. One of the other guys asked him about his girlfriend back home, and his response was: "Yeah she's cute, she's little." Little? What the f***? He sounds like such a paedophile. This past weekend on our Queenstown trip, I decided to turn the tables. We were going to some pubs on the waterfront, and I saw Andrew and all of the arcadia boys walking towards us. So, i started yelling, "Andrew! Andrew! Hi! Andrew!" But, my mission to annoy him totally backfired because he came running after me. I tried to run away, and he picked me up (and I'm not that little) and slung me over his shoulder and ran around. Finally, he put me down, insisted I come to the pub with the boys, and asked me for my number over and over again. Instead, I went to the Irish pub down the street, and he still does not have my number, thank god. Unfortunately, I had allowed this girl Alyssa to take a picture of us together earlier that night, and he kept drawing it out - "for maximum feel time." Ick.

The Lesbian: I should preface this by saying I'm not homophobic at all - I play softball for god's sake, come on. So, this girl Becky goes to Brown (yes that's an alliteration get over it) and is in fact a lesbian. We were friends because she's pretty funny and not a dumbass. But, when I told her I played softball and we talked about some of the stereotypes, she got kind of unnaturally excited. And I didn't think anything of it at the time. But, then she started asking about my personal life (sometimes when we were at parties or clubs and had been drinking) - she asked what my last boyfriend was like and later whether he was good in bed. I kind of avoided these questions because I'm a pretty private person, and I don't like talking about my personal life with people I don't know that well. For example, I basically made up a boyfriend, and maintained this ruse while intoxicated. She would also, stand really close to me. Most people who know me know I'm not a huggy person and enjoy my personal space. But, when we were making cookies at my friend Amber's flat, Alex and I were talking, and we're both quite sarcastic. And Becky seemed kind of annoyed, and finally she chimes in with "God, stop flirting." She actually seemed kind of ticked, but Alex and I just ignored it (just for the record I am not romantically interested in Alex, we're just friends, no doubt that won't stop you from insinuating). Anyway, things were extremely awkward after that, and she kind of backed off a bit when snapped at her later that night. But oh my god, looking back I wonder if she had been trying to flirt with me the entire time. Becky gets on my nerves a lot because she has the patronizing intellectual superiority in her voice (Thomas noticed it too, so it's not just me). I've realized that lesbians are just as bad as guys, they act all hurt and pissed when they realized you aren't attracted to them, like somehow it's your fault. Oh god drama. I thought I could escape it going all the way to New Zealand, but unfortunately people live here. I think that's about it for juicy details.

Hopefully, that will keep you occupied until next time.

I lava you guys and miss you lots!

Nana/Helen of Troy/Helen Keller

(P.S. I introduced myself to a kiwi at a party once as "Helen, like Helen Keller." And He told me that Helen Keller was blind and deaf so why would I want to introduce myself as her. And that Instead, I should introduce myself as Helen Clark, the prime minister of New Zealand.....except he told me that Helen Clark looks like a Man....so I was like f*** that s*** Helen Keller, it stays. She's the median between Helen of Troy and Helen Clark)