So, my friends, this part of the journey of my life has come to a close.I arrived Tuesday evening from Juárez, with no specific plans to return to live in the near future.I say that, all the while knowing the my life belongs to the Lord, and He can take me wherever He wants whenever He wants!

It has been a ROLLER COASTER few days, weeks, months!Especially my last month and a half or so in Juárez were so unbelievable, with ups and downs like I don't think I've ever experienced.Through it all, sweetest Jesus was definitely holding my hand, and I clung to it with dear life!The school let go three teachers two and a half weeks before school was out, and this added much stress to the already stressful time of preparing for graduation and the end of school, as well as sixty Americans who were to arrive for a short-term mission trip the day after the last day of school, unbelievable issues with people I love so dearly I can't even explain, putting my heart and every ounce of energy on the line to push to the end in the strength of the Lord?whew, I'm tired just thinking about it all.But it was so good.So crazy, but exactly how God chose to use me in the moments.There are so many ways I'm imperfect, and I look back and think, I wish I would have done this differently, or, I wish I would have said this to this person, or, maybe I didn't really have much of an impact there after all..But that is the great thing about God being God and Him using us despite our imperfections.

They threw me a going away party the Sunday night before I left.I was blessed to be surrounded there by my very best friends in Juarez?people who really feel more like family.After the party got underway, Maria had everyone stand up one at a time and tell me something that was on their hearts.It still sticks in my mind as one of the most humbling experiences of my life.To hear them say how much they loved me, how I was different than other Americans they knew, how big of an impact I had on the lives of their children?as they each held back tears or wept openly.It was beyond words.I really can't describe.All I can say is the sheer weight of realizing that these people?from a random poor neighborhood in Juarez, Mexico love me sincerely, as I love them beyond what I can express.I knew it was the Lord who had made it happen, and this love extended to us all just humbled me.It made it all the more bittersweet to leave.Bitter because I knew I was leaving behind some of my best friends, and some relationships that are so dear to me but have really barely begun.And sweet because God made this miracle happen!I have family in Mexico!I know that won't end, and I know I didn't make it happen?I could go on for pages about the barriers that should have prevented real relationships from forming.But God made them happen.And they are the most beautiful relationships of my life.Over the past few days being in Colorado, it's dawned on my how changed I feel.I see this in the differences of how I see many things.I used to love the vastness of Colorado?and I still think it's beautiful.But that verse holds new meaning to me now: "He did not form the earth to be void, but formed it to be inhabited."As I'm driving around the Colorado streets where joggers jog and see the fields being torn apart for golf courses and strip malls, I find myself intensely missing my dear street where I would so often see faces I knew and loved on the way to my home in Juarez.I thought today, I would trade all this clean, mowed, landscaped yet empty beauty, for the sewer-stenched, trash-packed street where I would see my dearest friends.Where there was always a greeting and a smile.What's changed in me is the realization of what's really important, and I think it's a perspective the Lord has given me because I believe it's what's important to Him as well.I used to come home to Colorado and find so much comfort in things and places.When I would return from college or trips, I loved being near my "places"?those spots that held some special significance.My parents' house.My high school.My places of teenage employment around my hometown.I'm a super-sappy sentimental person, and just want to remember everything.There's a quote from the book Seizing Your Divine Moment that holds special significance for me.It says: "It's not the place but the Presence that upholds you."It hit me as true years ago when I first read it, but now it does so even more.When I'm thinking of my home in Juarez, I can't think so much of places there as faces there.The school is nice, the orphanages are special, but it is individual relationships that make me ache.There are so many memories.I remember my best friend there, Susy, teasing me and calling me a "chillona" (crybaby) and then hugging me, saying, "No te vayas!" (Don't leave!).I think of little Lesly and Sugei and Priscila, three of my first grade girls, running to wrap their arms around my waist every time they would see me.I remember making fun of Gilbert every morning when we'd first see each other.I remember one of my adult English class students telling me I was the best teacher he'd ever had.I remember being with Jesus and Him holding me so closely when there was no one else around.I remember John giving me driving lessons my first week there and almost having an accident driving his car.I remember holding my friend Yadira's baby girls and singing them to sleep.I remember playing basketball with my teenage girls group and them playing rough and crazy and with no rules whatsoever.I remember going to Hogar del Ninos orphanage and pretending my name was "Flor Garcia" and this one little boy just laughing and laughing, thinking that was the funniest thing ever.I remember Maria and I shopping on our camping trip to New Mexico and gagging inside a hippy incense shop.I remember going to the grocery store with my friend Paul for "supplies" and then conveniently finding ourselves at the ice cream shop.I remember long talks over coffee with my dear friend Faith and being so blessed to have an American girlfriend in Juárez who GOT where I was coming from!I remember staying up late watching movies and spending the night with the kids at Casa de la Nueva Vida and them always asking me, "Heidi, tu dormir aqui?".I remember making Christmas cookies with Ada in our school cafeteria.I remember leading Friday devotional worship and the kids belting out "Te dare toda la gloria!Te daré toda mi adoracion!" until I thought their little heads would pop off.And more and more keeps coming, rolling over in my mind like a movie that I wish would never end.It makes me sad to think these beautiful times are over, but I'm so thankful to look ahead to more?I pray with these same people, but that's the amazing thing?who knows (besides God) what beautiful people He will bring along my path.The sad thing is that it's so hard to realize in the moment that God is creating a bond, that Jesus is working in a realm we are a part of, even when we don't realize it.You think you are just going about your day, doing what needs to be done?even in mission work you don't necessarily feel every moment like your doing something really "good."It's just life at the time, just like a job or family or travel, or whatever it is people do.But there's so much more to these life details and working with people and being with them than we see.God is the movement behind each relationship.I'm praying for Him to open my eyes to the beauty of the moment with a person, and thankful that He's bringing to mind those that have already passed by.Today I got an email from a friend who a few years ago did a couple years of foreign missions and then returned to her hometown.She wrote about the somberness, the heaviness, and the reverse culture shock she felt?for months.And I'm only beginning to glimpse what she means.I'm such a normally light-hearted person?I always have things going on in my mind, but outwardly I just naturally default to upbeat.But right now my heart is not light, and I'm finding that's okay.I've glimpsed God and the world in a way that can't leave me unchanged.I am changed forever, and I don't want to immediately "default" to same old me.I can't pretend all that's happened to me and in me hasn't really happened.I see those faces that God brought into my life by bringing me to Juarez, and I am filled with a deeper understanding of the weight it is to have a relationship with someone.It is who God is, and who He's made each of us to be.I can't just think of my life as only affecting me; never before have I so wanted to be a part of what Jesus is doing in other lives, and felt so certain of His working in this world.He is working.God, open my eyes to what you are doing.I'm not sure what it will be like to walk day to day from here.I keep telling people "I'm not myself right now," but maybe that's not exactly true.Maybe I am more myself now than I have ever have been.It's like the reality of the Kingdom of God is so much clearer before my eyes, and things will never be the same in my heart.I wish I could really say everything that just is welling up inside me, but only the Spirit can truly unravel that mystery?even I don't get why I'm laughing one minute and crying the next (except that I'm a girl).I'm just so thankful that God interrupted my life in such a random way.I mean, Juárez?Who goes there to live?I do, apparently, if that's where Jesus says.And He said it to me a couple years ago.I may never fully understand all the implications or reasons, but I just can't say enough about God's faithful plan for each of us.When He leads, it's always in the right direction.