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Burning Man 12
I woke up really late that Thursday.By the time I made it out of my tent, the sun was high above the mountains.The city was awake and bustling with life.Chaos Street was filled with burners of all shapes, sizes, creed, and sexual orientation, hustling past me, all on their way to fulfill their daily contribution to the city's collective ode to freedom of thought, freedom of speech, and uninhibited radical self-expression.
I stretched and yawned, as I began to search around for my event booklet.
"Wait a second." I thought, "I got plans already!"
I had a lingerie party on the agenda.It was going to happen soon too.
"What did Cheryl say?" I thought."Something like4, 4, and 4.The fourth day of the festival, at 4:00pm, at 4:00 Street."
After fixing myself a quick meal of warm keg beer, uncooked beans, and a slice of wheat bread, I was ready to go.A lingerie party at burning man was sure to be filled with surprises.What's even better is I don't have any lingerie so I wouldn't have to wear any when I was there.Fool proof…
I jumped on my bike ready to speed off only to be thwarted by its poor physical state once again. My back tire had completely dislodged.
"Are you f***ing kidding me?" I thought. This bike was really starting to annoy the hell out of me. This time at least I was prepared for the fall and did not gash my hand like I had last time.
My neighbor Melanie, who stayed in the RV next door, happened to notice and laughed out loud at my misfortune.
"Having some trouble?"She asked still grinning.
"Yea.This f***ing bike is just…I don't have my tools out here. " I said in frustration.
"Bring her over." she said while pointing to a small cardboard sign in the passenger side window of the RV.
"Bike Repair Shop.Bring you beaters and get a free tune up.No complaining allowed. If you don't like my only rule, then you can kiss my ass and walk. "
"This will be no problem." She said reassuringly."It may take a while though."
For fear of being late, I began my expedition on foot.
Not long after down Chaos Street, I heard a voice call my name. I looked back and saw a large portion of the Fishbug Crew.There was Todd, Gary, Meenah, Christine, and Rebecca F waving to me, as the trekked along the dusty road in search of people in underwear.Despite our collective years spent in academia, none of us really knew where the party was.We knew that it was on 4:00, but we knew not the cross street.I wasn't worried though… finding a lingerie party at Burning Man sounds easy, right?
We all spread out at 4:00 Street and asked anyone in underwear if they knew Cheryl.
"Hey, is Cheryl here?" I asked a group of people standing out side their shade structure.
"No we don't know a Cheryl. Sorry."
After about 20 minutes and several attempts we still were out of luck.The problem we faced was that 50% of the gatherings on the street seemed to fit the criteria of the party we searched for.
As I continued looking, I noticed something peculiar in the distance above several tents. I saw an enormous teeter-totter in motion, jutting high into the air. Topless women flailed on each end.
"Hey guys, maybe they are down here." I said looking for an excuse further explore in detail, this engineering marvel.
Oddly enough, the gathering we were looking for was across the street from the oversized teeter-totter.The others went right in to the party, while I stayed back to inquire more about the technological break through towering above us.
I observed two lines formed on each side filled with both men and women.People in the front of the line prepared for their turn on the totter (they went topless) while everyone grooved to techno rhythms being played near by.
"What is this teeter-totter thing all about?"I asked a girl in the left line about to take her turn.
"Well, first off, it's actually a titty-totter. It is no just any titty-totter either.It's the world's biggest titty-totter." She said rapidly.
"I see." I said looking up at a stunningly beautiful topless woman straddling the swinging wooden beam; all while managing to twirl a brown leather cowboy hat on her index finger.Maybe I had been in the sun too long, but I thought she was smiling at me.
"To ride, all you have to do is find a partner, wait in line, and go topless before you get on." The girl in line explained.
"Get your bacon!"a random guy yelled as he exited his tiny shade structure next door.A crowd quickly rushed his sizzling tray of greasy bacon.
I pulled myself away from the titty-totter/bacon fest and walked across the street, over to the lingerie party.The tent was bright pink and strung in ribbons and balloons.The party looked fully underwear… I mean under way (that was bad…), bursting with lingered men and women.Inside people were tightly packed almost shoulder to shoulder dressed for success.Women's underwear hung in every corner of the place, while 80s music vibrated out of a small stereo behind the bar.
"Meow, meow." said Cheryl when she saw me from her vantage point of the party behind the bar.She was dressed in a black nighty and police cap."So glad you made it Hassan."
"Thanks for having us." I said.
"Hey you can't be in here with those clothes on," said Cheryl's friend, noticing I was not completely embarrassed yet.
"Damn." I thought. "They are on to me."
She was dressed in bright red panties and see through low cut black nighty.My heart rate increased for a number of reasons.
She came around the bar, grabbed my arm, and dragged me over to the edge of the shade structure.I soon found the two of us standing in front of a clothes line strung with lace, silk, and satin women's underwear.
"No way!"I said faintly.
"You know, I think this would fit you.Try this on." She instructed.
I took another glance at the rack (of clothes) and a little voice inside my head firmly stated, "Hell no!"
The lingerie police lady smiled as she waited for my move.
I looked around again at the rest of the party to give myself another moment to think about the ramifications of ether choice.
"I think we have to start slow with you." She said showing me a bit of undeserved pity….Or maybe I was just taking too long to decide.
She placed a black long sleeve lace shirt in front of my chest and a pair of satin green stretch pants over my legs.Not too bad I thought… I could do this.
After I changed, I stepped out slowly into the first room of the party. I was about to encounter about 30% of the entire Fishbug crew who sat in their respective lingerie outfits.I felt my face getting bright red as I faced everyone.They took one look at me, and we all just started laughing our asses off.
"Hot!" Cheryl said laughing hysterically.
"Looks good." the 6' 7" Fishbug truck driver Todd said wearing his tight pink lace nighty.
Gary, Meenah, Rebecca, Cheryl, Todd, Christine, and I all sat there in various colored satin and silk night garments. We all burst out again and again into hysterical laughter at ourselves.
Near where we were sitting, I noticed a really attractive petite Asian woman. She was about as tall as Todd's belly button. Both her and Todd, oddly enough, were wearing the same see through pink lace slip…. The wheels started turning.
I got up out of my seat, and walked over to the woman (albeit awkwardly in my new clothes) trying not to look at my self in the mirror I passed.
"Hey, I think you should meet my friend here." I said pointing to the Fishbug trucker in a lace nighty and cowboy hat.She laughed at the coincidence and immediately went over and sat on Todd's lap.
"You guys need a picture." Gary barked.
The two laughed and went over to the photo area only a few paces away from us.She leapt into his arms as the photographer instructed them to hold their pose.Todd was smiling as wide as I had seen yet.
"Hey, lets take one of us." Gary said to me.
"Ummm…" I muttered.
Soon after we were standing in front of the photographer as he prepared his camera to take our photo.
"Put down your beers.Kids might see this." The photographer joked.
Without warning Gary jumped into my arms and made a hysterical face at the camera just as the photographer took the picture.We took a look at it as it air developed and laughed as hard as I can remember me ever laughing.That photo is in Rebecca Anders shipping container in Berkley right now providing entertainment (at our expense) to everyone who crosses its path.
After we had our fill of women's underwear, titty-totters, alcohol, lingerie police, and bacon, our crew migrated to Poe's camp a few streets away, where they were serving fresh noodles.They did this every day of the festival, at around 2 fingers above the horizon.It was getting to be about that time.
When we arrived, a long line of people eager to eat, stretched out from underneath the Noodle camp's shade structure.Next to the canopy, was a 10-foot rope circle in the sand where two people were busy sumo wrestling each other.
"If you win, you get to cut the line and get your noodles ahead of everyone." Gary said to me.
The wheels again started turning.
Soon after, the winner of the fight raised his arms in triumph and jogged around the ring punching the air. The looser got in line behind Gary and I.
"Hey, let me get the next match?" I barked out loud at the guy victory dancing around the ring, thinking only with my stomach.
The two of us crouched down in the circle as we ceremoniously tossed a bit of playa dust in the air and grunted (that's what the pros do I think).
The fight began and we locked arms, pushing each other for ground.This guy was much taller and weighed about 40 lbs more than me, so I was caught off balance at first.I almost went down immediately, but I managed to regain my footing.
I crouched even lower and used my leverage to push him backwards with all my might.To my surprise, (and his too I think) I flung him out of the ring and into the street.The Fishbug crew cheered.
"Hey, we got to try that again man.I wasn't ready."He said after the match, sounding a little embarrassed.
"No worries man.Lets do it." I answered hoping my win wasn't a fluke.
Again we crouched, tossed playa dust into the air, and began the match.
This time, he came at me with more speed.I stepped to the side, letting him fly past me.He titty-tottered… ummm… teeter-tottered (I wont do that again) dangerously close to the edge of the ring.As he turned, I crouched down and gave him a solid shove out of the ring and onto his ass.The crew cheered wildly.
"Go Hassan!" Rebecca yelled.
A few other people challenged me and I managed somehow to toss all but one, out as well.My experience as a rugby player was really coming in handy.
Tired and hungry after all the wrestling, I decided to go claim my noodles.I proudly walked to the front of the long line, imagining trumpets sounding and flowers being thrown at my feet.(I really didn't imagine that) The crowd out of respect parted a bit and I was served some of the most triumphant Asian noodles I had ever eaten.Good times.
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