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so, the travels have begun. we set off in style, blagging myself, will and slates a buggy and fast track through all the queues at both heathrow and new york :) much to the annoyance of all the other passangers! "what, what the f*** man". our first experience of New York was the yellow cab, our immediate excitement of being in this cab was destroyed by the filthy dingo's demanding of extra tip! unfortunately our good grace and kindness led to us delving into our pockets for an extra 10 euros to mr mexico 1956. despite this setback we aimed to enjoy the rest of the day. and we did. we ventured to madison square gardens, experienced or first encounters with a real life "G", like the ones on GTA!!! we picked up will and headed back to the university with declan where us "Brits" lets the yanks know who we are by eating out the canteen and discussing such topics as the consequences of furious masturbation. after our meal we decided to do some night sight-seeing. we walked across Brooklyn Bridge and saw some amazing views right through Manhattan from staten island to the financial district. Along the way we also managed to frustrate the oncoming cyclists by setting forth into their ZONE! our jet lag and lack of sleep hit us hard and we soon "hit the hay".... but not before discussing with Declan's dancer girlfriend our ability to "give" and "work", dont ask. We awoke to a gin blue sky and brisk temperature on what was a beautiful wednesday! because of this we were determined not to let the day pass us by. We walked for miles on end to reach the empire state building via Jamba Juice. we were greeted by a lovely uppity negro who at first impressions appeared full of zest for life. he offered us directions and advice aswell as thirst quenchingly good smoothies :) however, we were to find out that this false identity covered a horribly lying fuelled character... moving on, empire state building was incredible the views were insane and we were honoured to be joined by two birds, pigeons to be exact. cecil and betty were magestic characters and joined in the viewing of new york with us with pleasure. 20 dollars well spent. we then headed to times square to experience how the movies portray new york. it was very intimidating so we proceeded to the nearest restaurant to eat away our troubles. hard rock cafe it was. we endulged in glorious steaks and burgers and thankfully our manly stubble, weathered faces and endearing persona allowed us to stamp on the drinking age laws with both feet and sip gleefully on two pints a piece, god we felt great! After this fulfilling meal we wondered the streets towards Central Park. This is where we return to Mr Jamba Juice. he had assured us that the central perk cafe in friends did actually exist. We spent 30 minutes humiliating ourselves asking people where this cafe was before we finally accepted defeat. the day was ruined. we stumbled back towards the subway and returned, defeated to the dorm room, a great day tarnished by false hope. however, another day awaits, statue of liberty, shopping and ground zero are only but hours away. New York is going to sleep. and so are we, im nackered.
day 2 in new york. in order to prepare ourselves for the day ahead we had to fill our stomach's, and fill our stomach's we did. pancakes, bacon sandwiches (sorry mum..) egg, waffles etc! we stayed long enough to get ourselves lunch :) we set off towards statue of liberty heading through little italy and chinatown where we saw "jackie chan". on our way we were met by a "crew: of gangsters who proceeded to shout "LONDON" at us. our immediate reaction was to run, however we had to preserve our dignity so we waited and anticipated the worst. "LONDON" pursued us with eyes like that of a rabid dog. however our initial hesitation was blasted as this fine member of the community was indeed lovely. he established that he had known we were from london as he was checking out my ass and my belt said london on it.... great. furthermore, this man was called michael and was from bristol. it was very entertaining. we moved on from this encounter feeling that our general stereotypes of the black man in new york was indeed wrong and that they were all very nice people. yeeeesss.
we continued, past the financial sector and through wall street we strolled until we reached the ferry. we passed our time till the next ferry waiting and watching a street performing group called POSITIVE BROTHERS. their name did not lie, they were very positive. they talked of one race, the human race and they clapped a lot, it was very fun. i got asked to be involved and they did a forward flip over me before directing me to stay down or i will die, "STAY DOWN RED, STAY DOWN".
we then boarded the ferry to statue of liberty full of glee and exctiement. we were not disappointed, cecil the bird rejoined our party and guided us to the statue. on the island we were greeted by other tourists stealing our thunder. we took lots of pictures and people took pictures of us, it was lovely. highlights included the chinese lady who insisted on taking no less than 5 pictures of us in different pictures whilst counting us down "won, toooo, fweeeeeeeeee".... "aaaannnnnd thhhhheeeeennnnn", "won moooorrre pictooour". we then "gave" for hilary and gina, they appreciated it, but not before the synchronised t*** posers appeared. they really stole the show with their "act", f***ERS. in order to cool down we had a staged tea party in a nice green area of the island, it really settled us down.
we returned to mainland and were greeted by numerous immigrant men selling us the finest in fake rolexes and lacoste sunglasses. slater, unsurprisingly was drawn to these useless pieces of plastic and decided it would be a good idea to buy one. our initial concerns were adhered too when 1 hour later, the watch decided to make a hasty exit and fell into several pieces. 20 dollars down the drain but a very amusing incident. after this incident we then encountered a bull bearing all on show!. we felt obliged to perform sexual manoevers on it, it just felt right. towards ground zero we headed, as we neared will commented "oh there it isn't"... we were not amused. however, we put aside this little episode and toured the twin tower museum, it was genuinely moving and well worth the 5 dollars. i highly recommend it!
a refreshment was in order so we stopped off for a hot chocolate at a real american coffee shop because we are real new yorkers now... we were educated on how "New Yooiiiikers Foooik Bettttteeerr", we left feeling enlightened and refreshed, back of the net. final stop, century 21, officially "New York's best kept secret" and that it was. like T K Maxx but good. We left contented but were completely lost, an uncommon sight for a seasoned new yorker. we asked a well dressed gentleman where the nearest subway was, he recoiled in fear whilst expelling a pathetic noise which sounded like "nooo, noooooo". we really are a scary bunch :). we returned home, content with our day, looking forward to tomorrow and the sex museum, oh well, only ANOTHER DAY IN PAAAAARADISE. it really is hard being a New Yooooiker!
during the night we had ourselves a real life DORM PARTY. we thought it would never happen but our outstanding ability to get served some alcohol worked out well. the night went.. interestingly, it is true, americans have no stamina :). slater managed to take off his trousers before his socks or t-shirt when asked to take off an item of clothing, so naturally we all followed not wanting to look less of a man. there was plenty of "home truths" discovered and the night took a certain turn for the worse when an unwanted room mate returned. that is all on that matter.....
Final day in a new york. having been pretty pissed from night before we didnt set off for the sex museum till 3 o clock! it wasn an eventful journey in which a faceless wretched w**** took a "liking" to slater and threatened to set her men on him and "stick a knife in (your) arse". yes we laughed and we laughed and continued on unaffected to the museum. at the museum we saw animals having sex, homosexual and necrophilliac ducks..... as well as a website displaying people's orgasms called "beautifulagony. com".
another night of lesh was to take place but not before the alcohol was to be purchased. it fell upon myself to do the duty and i pondered into the store brimming confidence sporting my growing beard and my FDNY t-shrit that i purchased for bargain prices from a lovely gentleman named surresh! things could not have gone better as the lady at the counter assumed i was actually in the fdny so i made up that i worked in the precinct on wall street and was only visiting midtown manhattan because my mum was sick...
the morning came around quicker than expected and we left the airport alot later than expected, no thanks to will "AUROOOOORA" slater. we arrived too late to check in, so were sent to what looked like the immigration section to check in. we were greeted well as the only english speakers and as a result they found room for us on their plane! TO NEW ZEALAND BABY!!!
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