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Gerard's Travels
For some stupendous reason Jo, our travel agent who has been so good to us (apart from the Nashville hotel booking incident), decided to totally obliterate that good will between us today, right royally punishing us this morning by booking our flight out of Nashville at 5:48am. We had all day to get to Canada Jo, it's just above the USA, and you chose that time. I hope you feel powerful. We were just feeling tired. We were also lamenting the fact we'd miss out on breakfast here again, meaning we only got to enjoy it once. That was sad, because I know there were definitely more waffles with my name on them in Nashville, but they escaped my devouring by the skin of their deliciously warm crispy outside, soft fluffy inside, and the sweetness of their topping. Damn it. But with the food ventures I'd had in Nashville, I really couldn't complain. Besides, I'd prefer to keep my complaining efforts to the 4am start. **** you Jo. The silver lining was that nobody else in Nashville, apart from hotel staff and taxi drivers, has the lunacy to be up at that hour, so our check out and transfer to the airport (utilising both of those industries) happened with ease. It was also pretty quiet at the airport, so we were checked in and through security pretty quickly. Stace took advantage of this lack of people by wearing tracksuit pants and thongs for the flight. On a side note, what the **** is with the 48 past the hour departure time? Since when did flight departures need to be to that degree of accuracy? What's next; timing it to the second? Maybe I was just tired, but that is a pretty specific time to allocate. Our route to Calgary was via Dallas, which was pretty counterintuitive given it's in the opposite direction. But we did intend to use it as an opportunity to go to another counter (see what I did there) for some breakfast during our 2 hour layover there, rather than having what I would call a late dinner so early in the morning in Nashville. Keeping with the 2 hour theme, it was a short 2 hour flight down to Dallas, and with an overwhelming feeling of retracing our steps (we flew to Nashville from Dallas a few days ago), it felt like we were there in no time. About 2 hours actually. Stace slept and I blogged. Standard really. All of that activity made us hungry for our breakfast when we arrived in Dallas. Once we disembarked and made our way to the right terminal (via the train, toot toot hehe), we found a nice little cafe where we filled our stomachs and relaxingly dwindled away our layover time, before making our way to the gate for our next flight up to Calgary. Stace has made it clear that wants it noted for this blog that, prior to this flight, she hasn't been to the toilet on any internal flight yet. Noted. But I'm also noting that pretty much every other internal flight so far has been about an hour, maybe 2 at tops. This one was 4, so that's no particular achievement! And so it proved to be. Our flight north had Stace depositing south basically the entire time. While I visited nod, Stace peed; while I read, Stace urinated; while I blogged, Stace ******. I would've got a lot of blogging done actually if I didn't have to get up every 5 minutes for her to go to the toilet. At least I have an excuse for her if she asks where the next blog is. No wonder she wanted me to recognise her prior flights' achievements. When the plane landed in Calgary Stace could not possibly had any liquid left in her body, which was actually a good thing because we had some drinking planned this afternoon. If you're partial to my ********, you're probably aware of my still unfinished other blog (at the time of writing - I still have plans to finish it, my memory is excellent) from Europe in 2014 where my extravagant ************ was born. Or at least realised to the masses. In that blog, you would have been introduced to the legendary drunk Canadian woman and her mum, Grandma! Well, it just so happened that drunk Canadian woman (her real name's Pam) lived in Calgary, and she was picking us up from the airport for an afternoon living up to her namesake! Whoo! Being Canada and not the United States, customs and immigration was a breeze, and in no time we were in the arrivals hall being greeted by Pam, who I gave the biggest hug, and Shane, her partner. It was so great to see her again so I gave her another hug for good measure, and also introduced her to Stace. True to form, they hit it off instantly, which is exactly what I expected! Pam wasn't even worried about Stace's tracksuit pants and thongs concoction. Though I did need to make sure she knew thongs were footwear and not her underwear. It would be pretty sweet if she wore them there too though. We hung around the terminal for a bit because Pam's daughter worked for the airlines and was about to start her shift, and Pam wanted to introduce her to us. Pam also once wanted to marry her daughter off to me, such is my awesomeness, but sorry Pam, that ship's sailed. While it was only a quick introduction, you could tell she was exactly like her mother. If she also drunk like her mother, God help us all. Stace and I had booked into a downtown Calgary hotel for the night, thinking that would be the best way to set ourselves up for today's shena****ns before heading off to Banff tomorrow, and Pam had decided that the best transfer to that hotel was with her and Shane. And it was, even if it wasn't the most direct! Our first stop definitely wasn't the hotel, but a Canadian sports bar not far from the airport. It was a really comfy joint with friendly people all around, ice hockey plastered on the TVs all over the walls, and an awesome menu that included poutine. We were definitely in Canada. Needless to say, we settled in quickly; Pam and I were 3 beers in inside 15 minutes, picking up exactly where we left off in Europe, and Stace not far behind. Shane had to drive. Poor Shane. We ordered heaps of delicious food, including poutine and potato skins, and typically I had a burger. New country, same cravings. Besides, we're still in North America - the burger is just as home here. Naturally though, they had their own take on it. It had a maple glaze (I don't care if that's even cliche here; it's ******* amazing) and even black sesame seeds. And to make us absolutely sure of where we were, they even put a little Canadian flag in it to leave us in no uncertain terms that we were indeed in Canada. They do that a bit here actually - every McDonald's restaurant incorporates a Canadian flag in the logo. It's as if they feel the need to make sure we don't confuse them with the United States. And why wouldn't they when the States are considering voting in Donald Trump as President. They're really trying to separate themselves from any confusion! It's working too - apparently there has been a huge jump in Americans wanting to migrate to Canada rather than facing the prospect of a Trump presidency. I would too after witnessing some of the election coverage. After downing about half a dozen beers over lunch we decided it was best to head off, not because we were sick of the place (I could've settled in for a session and a half there), but while we remained there Shane couldn't join in with us. And he needed to, because this day was quickly escalating into something big. We really really wanted him to join us as well, because he was kind enough to pay for our lunch and all our drinks! It was about a half hour drive from the pub to our accomodation in Calgary. After a few beers, a half hour feels like an eternity, and a bladder feels like a raging burning bushfire. Ouch. That'll teach me for picking on Stace's urinary habits though (it probably won't). Shane dropped Stace and I off at the entrance of the hotel for us to check in and settle, while he and Pam went to find a car park to store the car overnight, and then a bar for us to meet them in. Once Stace and I checked in and headed to our room, Stace tried to pretty herself up, but she failed dismally because she was already as pretty as could be in my unashamedly unbiased opinion. We headed downstairs and met Pam and Shane at the hotel bar, where we recommenced our guzzling, belatedly welcoming Shane to do the same. Pretty soon we were a few beers down and well and truly back on track. Best news for me is that I shrugged off my urinary blues, and when we decided to move to our next bar my bladder got there with ease. It wasn't as good news for the rest of my body though, because it was getting very cold with the afternoon sun starting to go down. We were definitely in Canada, eh! Despite already being well entrenched in drunken foolery, this next venue definitely confirmed where this night was heading. It was a pretty popular place increasingly filling with locals knocking off work and, being Friday night, they were getting pretty loose. And so did we; catching up on a couple of years worth of stories and reminiscing of the awesome time Pam and I, as well as Daniel, Dad and Grandma, had in Europe. Being a favourable time difference back home, and utilising the wifi at the bar, we decided to call Dad and Daniel to tell them all about the fact we were catching up, and not in the least to make them a tiny bit jealous. If they chose to be so, that was entirely on them. Our intentions were just to say hello in a friendly and courteous manner. After a few more beers at the bar, it was around dinner time so we headed off and found an Italian restaurant down the road, where we continued to drink. We also had some food here to line our stomachs for the rest of the night ahead, which we already had a feeling was going to disintegrate. Again Shane was kind enough to pay for our meals and drinks, despite us pleading for him not to. He was very generous and we appreciated it immensely, even in our drunkeness. And then we decided our next destination would be Ducky's Pub - a karaoke bar. Disintegration confirmed. In fact, we all thought karaoke was the best idea since sliced bread. It should really be noted that's it's likely none of us were around when sliced bread was invented (at least I don't think Stace was), so it's hard to know how good sliced bread was as an idea as opposed to the previously unsliced version. Maybe it was just convenient as opposed to a great idea. Either way, as a standard saying it really means we were excited for karaoke, and decided to leg it there at about 8pm. We were very keen to get there early to make sure we wouldn't have to wait too long to be able to sing. Sadly, the vibe wasn't all that great when we got there. The pub was half empty, those that were there looked karaoke weird (you know the type. They're the ones that go to karaoke sober), and the karaoke hadn't even started. Luckily for the pub there was us, as we continued our merry march to obliteration. Luckily for us there was Pam's phone. And we called Grandma. The one, the only, the legendary Grandma. Oh how I missed her, she would've fitted perfectly in our crowd tonight, and she definitely would've got the pub heaving at karaoke. If she was with us, I think the karaoke would've been exactly like that scene with the old lady out of The Wedding Singer who raps towards the end of the film. As the start of the karaoke got closer, the pub did start to fill up more, and once the screeching and moaning - err I mean the singing - did start, there was a pretty good atmosphere. The main reason I wanted to come here was so I could sing (and I really mean sing; I don't screech and moan (except when parts of the song require it)) 'I touch myself' and unleash it to a Canadian audience. I'd done it in Florence, Italy, a couple of years earlier, and in that performance I ended up shirtless. Actually, sick and tired of ripping all my singlets when singing that song, after that performance I ceased to wear singlets anymore full stop. So you can appreciate what I was going to deliver this crowd. Nay, this country. Nay, this continent. Unfortunately this continent was stuck in an alternate universe where none of them knew 'I though myself', and it wasn't available on the karaoke song list. As much as I was devastated not to be able to stand and deliver (having talked myself up from the moment we decided to come to karaoke), I was actually more devastated that this crowd was going to miss out on such a monumental performance. Luckily for them, they didn't even know they missed it so they were ignorant to their devastation. With my singing career (for the night) in tatters, I went from drinking solidly, to much the same really, but then I called it drowning my sorrows. Shane got up a couple of times and sang well (alcohol affected critique; may or may not be true), and eventually we were all dancing on the dance floor. Yep, we were drunk enough to be dancing to karaoke. Finally in the early hours the night was catching up as quickly as the karaoke was wrapping up. We all headed outside in the pursuit of food, but sadly we couldn't find any so gave up and called a taxi. It was the second disappointment in an otherwise brilliant boozy night, but was probably better in the long run than filling up on bad greasies. When the taxi came, we all piled in and headed towards our hotel, where Shane still wouldn't let us contribute to the bill when it dropped us off and took them home. You'll notice that they got a taxi home, and left their car downtown right down from the hotel. In part, that's because Shane also joined us in the village of ********d and was being a responsible adult of course. But even if he'd gone all Jehovah's Witness on us and avoided alcohol, they had planned a taxi home the whole time. That's because they decided to leave us their keys and the car for our whole visit to Canada. Pam wasn't working again till the day we were leaving, and as a flight attendant, it worked out well that Shane could drop her off, then she could pick up her car from the airport staff car park where we'd leave it. Their generosity knocked us cents-less. Get it? (We spent less cents because of it) Hehe. While it could be argued that drunk was our overwhelming sense at that time of night, I think I'd have a pretty strong case that appreciativeness was winning out. The day had been so awesome already, and this was just a massive exclamation mark. We headed up to our room on a high; day 1 Canada showing us exactly the generosity and friendliness this country is renowned for.
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