Profile
Blog
Photos
Videos
So since my mum and auntie came to visit me I've got back to reality and work…how terribly boring! It was a bit weird waking up the day after they left and the house being so quite; it did feel a bit empty and so did I. But, I cracked on and got back to my standard 'routine' of studying my Bible and doing exercise. That first week was quite a challenge though and I had another wave of self doubt and a strong desire to be back in England with family and friends. So why did I feel this way? Well I went to work on the Tuesday and really didn't want to be there. I had enjoyed doing different things daily and having adventures and here I was back in the library of the office sorting out the books and looking for lost ones…yes I can feel your enthusiasm melting as you read this! Anyway it is part of what I do, and I do get the chance to listen to music and be in the scary world of 'Esther's brain'. That afternoon we had a meeting, which went on for about 2.5-3 hours! I literally wanted to cry! My brain just could not cope with the Spanish so I went home in a grump and chilled out. Wednesday started well, I went to the Mennonite church for the prayer for peace and chat about reconciliation which was a very emotional chat. The man explained how his wife had married a pastor, and it was actually a very violent relationship. She had planned to leave him, but decided not to. A week later she was found dead. It wasn't clear who had killed her or if she had killed herself, but the point wasn't that, the point was that this man blamed his sister's husband for her death. He explained that for years he had held a grudge, but within his relationship with God he knew he had to forgive this man. He talked about the process of forgiveness that he took, and how he felt a real freedom once he had forgiven this man. He never saw the man, but had to forgive him in his heart. It was a really moving story and other people had similar ones in where they talked about the people who they had forgiven who had killed their family members. It was a really challenging time thinking about the possibilities of forgiveness and, for me, if I could really, truly, forgive someone who had killed someone who I loved. God calls us to forgive others, but saying it is easier than doing it, however with Him and through Him, it is possible, as these people showed.
Later on I had my English class which went well, I only had two people turn up, but with this slightly more basic class sometimes it is better when there are less people. What then followed is what shock my confidence and made me have my moment of doubt and despair. It was nothing that anyone did or said it was just the Bible study that we have weekly in our office with the students and professionals. That day I literally did not understand anything. I tried to concentrate and couldn't, and then the thoughts of "I can't do this" crept in. I left early, went home, and cried. I asked for prayer from my church in England, and spent some time with God just asking Him what on earth He was thinking when He told me to come here, and what on earth I was thinking when I decided it was a good idea! I listened to a song that means a lot to me and by the time that I went to sleep, my faith had been restored a bit and I felt re-energised to keep going. It was a day of emotions, but once again I was reminded that God is here with me, He is my comfort and He is the reason that I am in this amazing country.
On Thursday I was once again blown away by how incredibly wise God is. I met up with Abi and our new missionary from England, Danielle and we all went to my favourite café called Bourbon in the Chapinero area of Bogota for coffee/ aromatic tea (I had had quite a bit of caffeine already and was feeling a bit buzzy!). We had a lovely chat and then before I went Abi handed me the letter that I had written to myself when I did my orientation at Allnations College, as part of the Latin Link preparation. We are all asked to write a letter to ourselves, which is then sent part way through our time away. I read the letter on the way home, and almost cried. In it I had written everything that I needed to hear with verses to remind me that God planned this long ago (Isaiah 25:1), that I am a child of God, that He knows everything about me, and has equipped me to be here (Ephesians 2:10), for when I need to be reminded of the attitude of Christ (Philipians 2), for when I feel out of my depth (Psalm 23), for when I feel under attack (Ephesians 6:10.18), for when I forget who I am (Psalm 139), for when I try to do things my own way (Proverbs 3:5-6), for when I need help (Psalm 121) and finally when I need reminding that God is for me (Romans 8:31-39). I love how God prompted me to write these things, that He knew back in December what I would need to read almost one year on….now if that's not awesome, I'm sorry but I don't know what is. I wrote some other things to, but they are for me. I felt lifted reading this letter and felt once again ready to keep going, to persevere and to battle my way through the doubts. That evening I went to my dance class and was on quite a high having had my letter. I saw that my teacher's knees were still bad (he's had problems for ages and is only young) and so at the end of the class I summed up the courage and asked him if I could pray for him. He looked at me, grinned, and said yes, so I have been praying since. I didn't pray with him there and then, but I know that possibly this is something that I might have to do and despite feeling a bit scared about this (praying in Spanish is hard for me); I know that God will provide me with the words.
The next few days were really nice, but a bit difficult for other reasons, which I'm not going to go into. I caught up with Danielle again, and then Saturday had some friends and friends of friends in the house for a get together, which was good fun. I made a chocolate cake and Abi did a lasagne and all of it went down very, very well! Sunday I went to church as normal, and they had a lunch afterwards, which I also went to. I didn't meet anyone new but had a good chat with a friend of mine about all sorts of things, but mainly my thoughts about working with UCU. I told him of the things I liked, but also of my struggles, and it was good to be able to share these things in Spanish with someone who knows about UCU but who isn't directly linked. The few days after that were filled with skype chats, reading, working and catching up with Abi for my 6 (8.5) month review. This was great and it was really helpful to hear what Abi has seen change in me since I arrived. In preparation for this review I had to fill out some forms, which are long and a bit like a job application! But I did them, and again it was interesting to hear what Abi thought, and what she saw whilst reading them. One thing that she said which meant a lot to me and something I suppose I've not really considered before is that I'm a good friend. I think sometimes we are so used to just doing things and being the way we are that we don't realise the impact it has on others (this can be good and bad). To hear that she and others think that I am a good friend really touched me and gave me some more determination to continue being a good friend and to make the effort to be an even better friend. She also said how I understand more the concept of life principals and lifestyles and how our life principals affect our lifestyles. This is not something I have consciously thought of before, but then it occurred to me one reason why I was so manically busy in England. To me, having quality time with people is really important especially one on one time. This meant that I would like to see people one on one, which meant that generally I was busy every single evening after work doing something, because a life principal of mine is to try and give people time. Being here I am beginning to understand how other people show love and what their life principals are. I think with mothers here they show their love through food (they like to feed you), and the food they have resembles the historic lifestyles they have led (lots of carbohydrates to give you energy to work hard). It also made me think about how I can be judgemental of people without knowing them or finding out why they do what they do. I though that if you get to know what people's life principals are, you will understand better their lifestyle, which will help you understand them and will reduce or remove your judgement.
Another thing that I realised is that I do like to work hard, but can get fixed on this and can forget that just being (as I have said in previous posts) is important to. I think something that God wants me to take as a life principal is the importance of just being or having time free so that I am available, and the fact that my life here is slow paced is making me more available to others and to God. I still like to try and fill my time, but I am doing so with different things like reading or knitting (no old person jokes please!). Anyway it was a really good chat and I am looking forward to seeing what more God will reveal in these ultimate 3 months.
Also since my mum and auntie went I've been hanging out with friends and feel that I do really have some good friends here. The fact that I can communicate obviously helps, and the fact that I am the one to get in touch with people is something I've realised is necessary. I am blessed to know people who are patient with me in my Spanish and help me, but who also I can help with their English. It's a great joint friendship and is balanced. However, after a couple of hours speaking in Spanish I still do feel shattered, but at least I know that I can understand conversations now with 1 person for about 2 hours…things are progressing!
What else? Well I had my new group at UCU for people who aren't Christians, and my friend Cesar came along, which was amazing! Laura L and I, along with Cesar and our friend Felipe went and sat in the library in our office and had a really good chat. We started by sharing our testimonies (yes did this in Spanish), and then asked Cesar if he had any questions. He did and Laura did an amazing job of explaining the answers to his questions. Together we were able to explain about the relationship aspect, that this is what God wants most of all; about the significance of baptism, that it resembles the new you in Christ as you rise up out of the water from darkness into the light, about how everyone has a different relationship with God and it is an individual journey, plus many other things. Cesar really enjoyed it, as did I, and he has said that he wants to come back. Even if Cesar is the only new person that ever comes to this group, to me that is enough. I have to put this group into God's hand, and keep hassling the other people to get theirs dirty by inviting their friends!
On Friday, Laura and I went back to the university and did some praying on the streets. We spoke to 4 people, 2 girls individually and 2 girls who were walking together. One girl who we spoke to said yes to prayer, one asked us quite a few questions and we had about a 10 minute chat with her and the other two said no. We had done some information leaflets, so were able to hand these out about what UCU does (Bible studies, English classes, etc), and so now we will wait and see. Laura seems to be getting more confident in this aspect of things now, which is really exciting. God has blessed her with the ability to explain things in a way that people will understand and in a way that is not pushy or over the top. She doesn't realise that she has this gift, but it's a beautiful thing to see.
So as you have read, it's been a bit up and down, but things are getting up again. I try to take each day as it comes, as I can't really do much else. I've realised how important my family are to me, and the value that I place on friendships. What is my aim over these new few months? To continue looking at what God wants, and to keep being a good friend- never underestimate a friendship…it could be the only thing that someone has.
Until my next blog
Chao
xxxx
p.s. the photo is of the Bible study we had on Wednesday after a power cut, so instead of lights we used good old candles!
- comments