Thought you might like these, Margaret sent me them!

39 THINGS YOU SHOULD'VE LEARNT BY NOW

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2.Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a biscuit in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy fridge.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It's not the jeans that make your bum look fat.

26. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age twenty two.

36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

37. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

38. Your friends love you anyway.

39. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

BFN, Marie XXX

hey babe, well you seem to be enjoying yourself, i hoe you are.
i can only imagine what its like there, but never mind. so i take it you have made some new friends in these girls you been telling me about, and youve been enjoying learning new card games.
well anyeay not lng to go now, only 5 days till i get to see you.
have fun, you dont need reminding of that,
look after yourself,
love you forever and a day
missing you like mad,
G and Herb
ps please email me at some point.

PHEW!
I managed to get away just in time for your Mums birthday (damn, that means I'll have to buy her something now!). Turned out they didn't want my brain after all, it was the chickenpox they were after. Apparently, they're a kind of delicacy and about as rare as rocking-horse poo where they live. Fortunately for me, mine had already escaped under the cover of darkness last week. I believe it's quite painful when they pull them off, mainly for the chickenpox (Wonder if they tried to get Margarets spots?).
I don't know if I'll manage to stay sane until Monday, it's another FIVE DAYS for Gods sake! Five days of Grandma and John to help keep me sane. I don't stand a chance!
Please help me someone, anyone, save me from this fate worse than death, ple.............oh, aw no, anyone but you! Even Ann's told you that I don't have a brain. What! No! Not my sense of humour, it's all I have lef......................................

hi claire, hope you're enjoying italy enough to make the prices worthwhile! if you've sent me any e-mails they haven't come through, I'm having problems with my new account. Just going up to see ruth, it's her birthday today, will give her your love. And who told Aunty Marie she's got a brain? See you next week love.xx

Ha, you swine! Giving me the wrong address didn't work, I still found you! You just can't get away from some people can you?
This should suprise your mum too seeing as she tried to keep your address from me as well! Is it a conspiracy I ask myself? Am I just fooling myself by thinking that people like me really?Am I the only real person on the planet and you are all in my imagination? Is my life just one big computer game and I don't really exist!? Oh no, the men in the white van are here again to abduct me and do experiments on my brain!!! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...............

claire i miss you and love you. thank you for my postcard. i got it this morning hope you've been having a great time and a cool time! love james and mummy

hey babe, well i hope you are feeling alot better today than you were yesterday, told you not to sit in the sun, making ou unwell, stupid sun.
well i hope to hear from you soon,
have fun,
love you
miss you
Gareth
ps only 10 days to go, woo hoo

hiya claire, just a quick line to say hope you soon recover from your writers cramp and give us some more journal entries! love you & miss you, see you soon x

my mummy and my sellf claire we miss you and we love you
as well clairey i lick scooby doo
Hope you're havin fun gareth says you want pics but he's not getting near me with a camera! see you when you get back l
love helen and james

heybabe, hope you have had a good journey across to croatia, i know you are enjoying yourself, so ill leave it at that.
how come you havent postd anything her for a while, people will start to get worried.

chat soon hopefully

love you

miss you

G and Herb

hi claire i love you we miss you
hiya james wrote that bit hope you're having fun at your holiday sounds great! i hope that you get back soon i hope you are ok and
well
p.s. james actually wrote most of it