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Well as our viewing figures have slumped to an all time low its time to break out the skeletons from the closet and give you all what you've been waiting for.........the fully uncensored.........extra explicit.....hardcore......ChamTan Diary entry........OH YEAH!
As you already know it is pretty easy for me to start on a filthy note......as we spent xmas day in a Vietnamese brothel surrounded by scantily clad women...... However for you to fully appreciate our situation I think it is important to explain how we wound up in Vietnam's Weston-Super-Mare....Vung Tau! Basically we had always said we were not looking forward to being away for xmas, but if we were going to be away we would make it somewhere so good that it made up for all the obvious negatives. We picked out an island off the south coast called Phu Quoc. Google it if you want, but basically it is a tropical paradise....white sandy beaches...palm tress and everything. We travelled in a pooh taxi for a day across the Mekong delta (which isn't easy let me tell you) to arrive at the coast, where we would set sail the next day. When we awoke all excited, we got down to the sea only to discover all ferries had been cancelled due to bad weather. This was made even more painful by the fact that we were stood there in gorgeous sunshine, not a cloud in the sky. Apparently there was some storm offshore....long story short our plans were ruined. We quickly considered other options of how to get there to no avail. Then came decision time, if we weren't going to spend xmas on our tropical paradise....then where? We asked a couple of locals where the next beach up the coast was, they said Vung Tau. So we spent the day back in a rubbish bus with kids vomiting around us and a suicidal driver who just seemed to prefer the other side of the road! When we arrived it was dark so the place withheld some of its dark secrets till the following morning. When we awoke we went to the beach to discover it was littered with all sorts of crap....bricks....rubbish...dead stuff.....it was just crap. The others seemed to be able to make the best of a bad situation but my way of handling the situation was to go into a 2/3 day sulk!! Mature I know!
However the one plus side was that as this place was so bad it was cheap, so we booked into our most decent accommodation yet, a three........yes you heard me right......THREE star hotel.......jealous........your jealous!! We went out on the evening to see what the town had to offer...the quick short answer is sweet FA. However one thing which did spice our night up a bit was a Local Lady writing a little love letter to Zig (and her mob number) and dropping it into his lap in the bar we were sat in. Unfortunately Zig simultaneously got sick.....I think it was his body going into shock over the fact that this had happened! She txt him continuously over the next two days....whilst we 'twoed and froed' between whether this was a scam to fleece him with his pants down.....or whether this was really love at first sight. The final night we were there he had sorted his health out a bit and was gonna meet up with this girl. But fate would play him another cruel card and as she pulled up outside our hotel, and drove off into the distance with him, there was a Tsunami warning for the South Vietnam Coast. Everyone freaked out and started fleeing the town, needless to say it kind of killed her labedo and she dumped him back at the hotel! However our whiley little paduan doesn't give up easliy.....lets just say that he used the old “oh baby if tonight is our last night.....lets spend it together routine”. It worked.....they spent the rest of the night playing Chess.....the end (I know I said Hardcore explicit uncensored.....but I'm bottling it......my mum scans every word)!
We went from there to Saigon (Ho Chi Minh City) and spent our new year there. I had really high hopes for Saigon as I'd heard it was a real party town. I didn't really think it lived up to its reputation but maybe it was me still sulking? We did go and visit some of the Vietcong's tunnels from the Vietnam War. Chami was the star off the show here as he actually went inside one of them....and walked through it....even though he is claustrophobic.......which was Fair Play. The tunnels were tiny. It is amazing to think they lived under ground for months at a time. We spent new years night in a club called Apocalypse Now. It was pretty cool and similar to a western club, accept at the point of climax, the countdown and subsequent NEW YEAR!! They thought it would be a good idea to turn off all the music and have a raffle draw....how gay is that! Chami got propositioned a couple of times by guys which I thought was hysterical (Nat is a Man still cheating?). We all got smashed and threw some shapes on the dance floor.....usual stuff!
We Headed down the coast to a place called Mui Ne, its a lovely white beach a bit further up the country. The place is swamped with kite surfers, I'd seen this before in Brighton but apparently this is one of the best places in the world for it. Its basically surfing along be towed by a huge parachute that is strapped to your chest. We stayed in what can only be described as a barn there, infested with mosquito's......it was not pleasant. However my little Swedish friend I'd met in China was gonna make an appearance there, which I was hoping would be the highlight of my stay. Unfortunately i ended up spooning Ziggy in a drunken stupor, lets just say I didn't play the game as well as him! Charlie headed off from Mui Ne with Rich to go see a place called Dalat whilst I was chasing Swedes. He said it was really nice, looked like somewhere which would have been more at home in Europe, very manicured. The highlight of the visit for him was hiring Motorbikes and spending the day hooning around pretending to be James Dean and listening to 'Born To Be Wild'. Its not quite the wild biker image, Chami on a 50cc scooter but I know they are good fun from riding on the back of them.
We went further up the Coast to a place called Nha Trang. This place was pooh, nothing really to do there. The weather was bad which didn't help. The one thing I'd wanted to do was go on an infamous (locally famous) booze cruise. But as there was hardly anyone there it would have been pointless. We didn't stay there more than two nights, we just headed on up the coast to Hoi An. By The way we did all this travelling with an open bus ticket and I reckon its far to say that over the last 6 weeks I've probably spent at least one entire week on a bus........AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhh!!!!
Hoi An was an ancient little town full of souvenir shops and not much else, we went to see the local Cham empire ruins there (empire which was around about the same time as the Cambodian empire). Unfortunately it never stood a chance against the wonders of Cambodia, we briskly walked round the temples in the midday heat unimpressed. We headed to the neighbouring town of Hue which again wasn't all that great. We didn't hang around there long either as we were starting to be increasingly keen to get out of Vietnam and onto pastures new. I think the weather in Vietnam always went against our experience of it, but I am pretty confident in saying I wouldn't recommend a visit. There are far better places in South East Asia to visit like Thailand, Laos and Cambodia. We do have a couple of 'interesting' stories from Hue but they are definitely too filthy for general consumption so the ones of you who have access to top secret files will no doubt find out through other channels!
And Finally onto Hanoi! We were always sure that the heart of Communist Vietnam would be the most unfriendly and boring place in the country......which was even more daunting considering we were not impressed with the rest of it! However I'm delighted to say the country redeemed itself slightly and finished on a high note. I/we really liked Hanoi. It was a really cool city with some really old bits, like the china towns you see in films, and some cool remnants of French rule with a Grand Opera house and so on! It has a lake right in the heart of it as well which was really nice. From Hanoi we went on a trip to Ha long Bay WHICH WAS AWESOME! To appreciate this Google it or check out our photos when Chami puts them on! Its an amazing place. We also bumped into the most random person. When we were stood on the pier waiting to catch our boat, I saw Cliff Richard! We both got a pic with him.....but I mean of all the people you don't expect to bump into! He was off on a trip round the bay to.....I got Dan an autograph as I know you are his biggest fan. We also had the best Baguette we've ever eaten in our lives in Hanoi.......They were great and we ate there virtually every day. Quite random considering where we were and where we come from, but hey its a fact! Our next destination out of the country was Laos where Jungle treks, elephant rides and the only fools and horses theme tune beckoned (all will be revealed in Chami's Blog). I'll give you one sneak preview though and say it is a strong contender for my favourite country so far, some of the things we saw/did there are the highlight of my trip to date! I shall leave the rest to Chami. So we headed off on another day long bus journey into the wilderness to discover a country we hadn't heard of till recently!
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