Insightful. Enlightening. Developmental. Discovery. Ignorant. Harrowing. Chilling. Disturbing. Disgusting. Difficult. Itense. Sickening.

A jumble of words that together, to you, probably don't make much sense. Those are the words that, I think, summarise the experience I've had this weekend in Phnom Penh. I'm going to try and give you an understanding of the places I saw and the way they impacted me, but I don't know yet how well I can (apologies if this one gets a bit emotional*).

(brief interlude if you don't mind!*). I think it's best if I start by describing why one of the words is "ignorant". I have never been taught about the atrocities that happened here in Cambodia less than 40 years ago; in England I think "history" lessons are much more focused on European conflicts so I'm a bit underinformed. I knew that there was a war of some kind, and that millions of innocent people were killed but I thought that it was a backlash from the Vietnamese war with America; e.g. the land mines were a direct result of that. The reality, from what I have come to understand here, is unbelievable (1 in 4 Cambodians were killed) and I genuinely feel awful that I was so oblivious.

Back to the trip… Unfortunately, there's not a lot to say about the journey to Phnom Penh. It's 6-½ hrs long, with very little to see along the way: the odd pagoda, small Cambodian villages, very flat land, dried up rivers, etc (thank God for a Kindle*). We arrived in PP at about 2pm, having left Siem Reap at 6:45am, and were (ahem*) welcomed by an extremely pushy load of Tùk Tùk drivers. I mean, being jostled around so much our feet barely even touched the ground - all we wanted was some fresh air! Grabbing a Tùk Tùk away from the bus-station mayhem, we arrived at the Guest House threw our things into our room, without taking a glance at it's condition, and rushed off out straight away (no time to waste when we only have 1 ½ days here).

As it was already mid-afternoon, Anna and I decided that it would be best to visit the Genocide Museum S.21, Tuol Sleng. This museum is the former security office 21 created on the orders of Pol Pot (the leader of the Khmer Rouge) in April 1975. It was originally a high school: brand new, barely used. S21 was designed for the detention, interrogation, inhumane torture and killing after (false) confession from the (almost always) innocent detainees. Walking around this place is very eerie. It's comprised of a series of 5 or so buildings, left in the condition from the end of the Khmer Rouge. The first building houses 3 floors of approx 6 rooms. There is no "easing you in lightly" to this museum. The first room fosters an iron bed, with shackles attached and the gruesome weapons used to torture the prisoners here. There are real photographs showing the tortured person in that particular room, on that particular bed. It's an indescribable feeling to see the stark reality of suffering that thousands had to go through here. On the other floors and spilling over into the second building were countless portraits of prisoners. Each and every person that had been victim to the relentless violence, questioning, starvation, squalor and murder are photographed. Some of these show bodies; broken and defeated, others the methods of torment inflicted upon them. There are certain pictures that were both difficult to look at and intensely moving: the panic-stricken faces of grown men; the bruised and blooded features of young children. It's the sickening truth that 14,000 people entered S2; there were only 7 survivors. What I found the most surprising is just how many women and children were featured. In fact, the figures are countless.

The buildings were all covered in a fishnet of barbed wires. What were once classrooms had been turned into for mass torture areas and rooms full of hundreds of brick cells (0.6 x 1.8 metres) which would cage in individual prisoners. Exercise beams morphed into a contraption for abuse; prisoners winched upside down whilst being interrogated until they lost consciousness and then dipped into barrels of stagnant water to regain perception, this was done repeatedly until a false confession was made to relieve the prisoner of pain. The rooms with the hundreds of cells are harrowing, their original condition is obvious: blood stains the floor inside, shackles crumpled in the corner and bullet holes in the walls scattered across the room. Quarters for the mass torture, usually for children, are incredibly eerie. Along the walls are a series of chronological numbers, generally 1-18. This is where each child would lay, row after row, subject to the brutal beatings of a Khmer Rouge officer (it makes me angry to type about it). There's just room, after room, after room, after room where people were victims. Innocent victims. Standing alone gave me a weird, inexpressible feeling. I just don't understand how anyone, any human being is capable of such inhumane violence to so many innocent people?

The stories written on boards in the following buildings describe the survivors' endeavours and families' traumatic struggles after the tragedy that happened here. In the final room, there are cabinets full of skulls, bones, piles of clothes, belongings, etc. Most of these victims have no identity; it's a heartbreaking reality that many people here in Cambodia still don't know where their loved ones lie. The tales at S21 are vividly gruesome and the sheer number of victims is chilling, but, in terms of the genocide, (perplexingly) it's just the tip of the iceberg.

We made friends with our Tùk Tùk driver and he offered to take us to the Killing Fields Centre in the morning for a discounted price (yippee*). Having barely looked at our accommodation, Anna and I were disgusted: bed bugs, no sheets, leaking toilet (needn't go on*). We hastily escaped, booked ourselves into a gorgeous hotel just off the riverside… we felt we needed some luxury after 5 weeks of rather "rough" accommodation (teehee*).

Bright and early Sunday morning, we ventured out of Phnom Penh city and headed for the Choeung Ek Genocidal Centre: the Killing Fields. This is one of the top things to do on trip advisor, paraphrasing many reviews: "you'd be stupid to miss it". I'd heard this was even more eerie than the S21 museum, so I was a bit apprehensive as to how I would react. Having weaved our way through the crazy traffic (absolutely mental in PP… I thought Siem Reap was bad!*), a few near-misses with buses, trucks, etc. we got out to Choeung Ek. Going early was an amazing decision, there weren't any bus loads of tourists who always obstruct a good photo.

The centre is quite big, and has been created as a memorial site, so you have to dress modestly, speak quietly and (hallelujah*) don't smoke. I'm not a huge fan of "audio-tours" but the one here was amazing. It gave an incredible background to the history of the Khmer Rouge, who Pol Pot was and acted as an in-depth, well-structured guide to this Killing Field. There's 20 different marked "points" to see in the area; we decided to go for the conventional chronological path at our own leisurely pace. It's surprisingly peaceful there and, as expected, very eerie too. As you walk, there are bone fragments, teeth and pieces of clothing strewn under your feet; these are pieces that are yet to fully re-surface (it's unknown how many more pieces will be recovered - they pick up new findings each month). The size of the centre is huge and I'm dumbfounded as to how there are hundreds more like this, with hundreds of thousands, millions even, of other victims. Some of the killing fields deep in the Cambodian jungle are yet to be explored. The danger of un-detonated landmines is still a huge threat (scary, eh?!*).

The tour begins with a collection of signs, showing what buildings used to stand there: truck stop, executioners working office, chemical substances storage room, killing tools storage room. It's unfortunate that these buildings aren't here today; they were destroyed in an attempt to hide evidence shortly after the Khmer Rouge's demise. Again, the methods of torture here were horrific. Men, women and children would be separated from each other with any personal belongings taken. They would work 12+ hour days in the surrounding Paddy fields (in attempts to triple rice production as Pol Pot had requested) with no pay (as the KR didn't allow "money") and they would get next-to-no food. Many of these people simply died of malnutrition/starvation or disease. Tools for killings are on display in the museum: axes, swords, etc (brutal, brutal, brutal). Even the natural fauna of Cambodia was used against it's people: palm leaves with their serrated edges were used to slit the throats of victims in order to prevent their screams. Music would be played to drown out their screams too. Having been plunged into darkness for days prior to their deaths, the victims would terrifyingly have the lights switched on by the executioners so each person was aware of their imminent death (dpeihsldx - makes me so angry*).

The indentations in the land mark the mass graves. Over time, these graves have become shallow pits; scars of the brutal reality. One grave would be 5m deep, with as many as 450 bodies. The secrecy of the Khmer Rouge within these Killing Fields is horrific. The decaying bodies would evidently smell; the commanders would simply drench them in DDT or throw them in the lake at the bottom of Choeung Ek; those bodies remain there today (it's unknown how many there are). Sheltering select graves: the largest one, and the one where mothers, children and babies were buried, are bamboo huts. It is here that you share a bracelet, and bring colour back to an extremely sad place. There are thousands of bracelets for thousands of souls. The most disgusting and harrowing part of this Killing field, in my opinion, is what's known as "The Killing Tree". (I'm warning you this is very disturbing). This tree is set to the background of the huge lake and next to it the vast mass grave for mothers and children. It is here that the executioners would hold babies, yes infant children, by their legs and smash their heads against the tree, killing them and flinging them into the grave where they lay shortly to be joined by their mother (whom has just witnessed the murder of her baby*). It is perhaps this fact that really brought down the extreme mercilessness, brutality, inhumanity, remorseless, savage (any other appropriate synonym*) of the Khmer Rouge and this war against the innocent people. Pol pot said he murdered the children and babies because: "to dig up the grass one must even remove the roots" - sickening mentality of a despicable man.

To end the tour there's a huge stupa that's been erected to house all the skeletons of the deceased. Each person was forensically examined twice and categorised (there were 7 foreigners in Choeung Ek). There are 17 layers to the stupa, each level packed full of the victims. It's a very poignant end to the Killing Field and I laid some flowers to mark my respects.

I've definitely learnt A LOT about Cambodia's recent history. I knew Cambodia to be a beautiful; peaceful; relaxed; happy country (which, don't misinterpret, it is!*), but the gentle and honest culture that it fosters has been irrevocably tainted by it's profoundly awful history. The war transformed Cambodian souls into a mountain of bones; a sea of blood and tears which deprived all these people of their civilisation, national identity and cultural infrastructure (the bombs and landmines targeted the temples). The lushness here morphed into a desert of huge destruction, overthrowing Cambodian society and driving it back to be corrupt, undependable and ultimately Stone Aged. And even today, 40 years on, there's still a huge destitute population, begging for a sense of normality, of freedom, of peace, of love, of any kind of hope to get back to their past. It's a nation that's been scarred both physically: in the bomb and grave scarred landscapes, and mentally: in the survivors and victims of the horrific genocide, and the new generations who still seek to find their lost ones. It just goes to show the resilience of these people is astonishing and inspiring.

Once again, a post got very deep indeed (cringing at myself a little bit*). It was exhausting being out there for a couple of hours, the heat and the emotional focus! We decided to go to the National Museum back in the city centre. If only it would be that easy to get back. The journey took around an hour to get through the city. The Khmer New Year is fast approaching so people are leaving PP to get back to their home villages, and there's also a lot of shopping to be done too (Khmers get brand new clothes each new year!). PP is manic at the best of times, so you can imagine the traffic situation; much worse than central London.. people just drive on the pavements, mowing down anything in their way! Having filled our lungs with the purity of exhaust fumes, it was nice to get back to the Riverside. The Museum is in a beautiful rich-pink pagoda-esque building and set amongst beautifully-manicured gardens. It's full of the artefacts from many of the temples, crown jewels and general arts from around Cambodia! There's so much to see, it was all a bit overwhelming. We bought some jasmine flower wreaths, which smelt divine and we put one at the foot of a statue as an offering. We had lunch, had a mooch around in our beautiful hotel room and headed back out to see the Palace. We decided not to go in because it was about $10 and you can't even see all the buildings! It's beautiful from the exterior anyway.

Our journey home was boring too. It was probably worse than the journey there because, as I mentioned before, Khmer's are leaving PP to get back to their villages for New Year, so the traffic was slower and it felt as though the bus was going at snails pace the entire way!

Phnom Penh has been very "eye-opening" for me. This is a veeeeery long post because there was just so much to say (sorry*). May every victim of the horrific genocide Rest In Peace. I've got a cooking class this week, and we went to Apsara dancing last night (Monday), so I'll post about both of those soon. Hope you're all well at home, and thank you again for reading. Keep posted.

Love,

Jordanna xx

This may make more sense if you look at the photos I'm posting later on :)