Not so much a blog but a short piece on our driving rituals:

Driving Brian

'Jen, put your seatbelt on'

The familiar request is the introduction to most trips, as the Canadian i travel with is determined to break every rule going, and test my patience along with it!

It's a cold morning, i start the van, it dies. I start it again, rev the gas, it splutters, and dies. I am then forced to start the van, slam it into drive and head out before he has a chance to complain. I hope the engine is now warm as we approach a mini-roundabout. i slow down, it dies. i am now forced to heave the beast round the sharp bend without power steering, put the gear in neutral, start the engine, and shift into drive before i reach our exit. While considering this, bear in mind it is likely somewhere around 9 in the morning and i have an alchohol induced headache from last night! i manage it and we're on our way.

'Music?

What starts as a harmless question is the beginning of a trying task. my I-pod is dead, meaning i now have to wrestle with the Power Inverter plugged into the cigarette lighter, nicknamed 'Bleepy'for the annoying noise it makes whenever it seems to feel like it. Jen now witnesses me trying to drive the van while fiddling with the connection, while referring to the bleeping metal box as a person, mysteriously telling 'him' to 'behave'and 'calm down' which it wont.

Now with music, my eyes are safely back on the road, cruising happily at a perfectly reasonable 80km/h, a tail of cars quickly builds up, so we must continuously clatter across bumpy laybyes allowing them to pass.

Jen is on map duty. i'm informed helpfully about 100m before, that this is our turning. I slam the breaks and disasted breaks out behind me as our entire home is re-arranged. Shoes, books, forks, toothpaste come flying forwards and are then hurled into the side doors as i navigate the turn.

Safely on a safe passage, i can breath, relax, and enjoy.

'BANG'

Something clatters against the side of the van, oh we know this one. A quick inspection confirms that indeed the sidelight (on Jens side) has gone, half a mile back on the freeway, so we trot back to retrieve it. Jen is laughing, as is her attitude, i'm angry, such is mine. We either tape it to the van, or stash it in the front and move on.

Now we navigate windy roads, heading up an incline some hard banking indulges my Scalectrix fantasy, which isn't the safest i must admit! As we climb i keenly anticipate the view to come and am rarely dissapointed. This is where things get dangerous.

On top of barely keeping my eyes forward as snowy mountainous chasms open either side of me, i will start fumbling in the 'everything box'over my left shoulder, for my camera. This is the container where we famously keep 'everything'but can seldom find 'anything'. Finding the desired item is a task in itself when we're stationery, let alone when i'm navigating mountain roads! Worse still i will then attempt to video myself driving through this landscape, more scared that i'll miss the moment than the fact we could plunge into a ravine.

We now approach the borders of our destination and begin the complex task of finding a free overnight parking spot. Major cities will frantically scatter 'no camping' signs in ever public car park, laybye and alleyway going. So we must be clever, we look for public parks, skate parks, public toilets. When we find a spot we need to assess several factors including:

• Proximity to public toilets
• incline
• warning signs?
• proximity to town centre
• landscape

We have parked in shady alleyways, beach fronts, beaches, highway laybyes, market places, forests, and several skateparks!

So we sleep, hoping we will not be wokenat some ungodly hour by councilmen boasting names such as Roy, Bob, Barry and Dave thrusting leaflets in our face curiously telling us to 'STOP!' Personally i find sleeping a very stationary and slow activity so this confuses me. Basically they tell us to f*** off, in as many words, and we're forced to move, feeling like discarded pests, to the borders of the town or city we have infested!

But sleep we do, and when i wake at 9 am, i will hunt out the nearest public convenience to assault before the whole drama begins again.

What an adventure!

:)