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Jack's Siamese Extravaganza:
I arrived in Bangkok to meet Frank and Jimbo after 20 hours of sweating on
Sri Lankan airlines who match the heat of their curry only with the chill
of their air-con. Colombo airport is also absolutely riddled with 'genuine
copy' iPods. Now decide whether Muralitharin is a chucker.
Bangkok is everything you think it is. Having spent one night there that
might seem flippant but after seeing 28 images of the king (I counted) and
4028 prostitutes (I didn't count), I think I am in a position to assume
that 'the city of angels' ain't that diverse. It was however amazing fun
and I seriously recommend a night out in BKK. An eventful evening was
followed by an early flight to Surat Thani the next day. I'm not going to
talk about Surat Thani because its only claim to fame is a deleted scene in
The Beach. I did lose my wallet there so at least Mastercard can now claim
to be fully global.
Eventually we reached Koh Phangan. Koh Phangan is the ultimate hedonist
island. From the moment I arrived to Nelson saying "mate this place is
sweet stuff" to when Dickins returned home after 24 hours sleep over 7
nights, I knew I loved the place. Combine that with Frank's ghost 'illness'
and you know you're having fun.
Seemingly everyone describes Koh Phangan as a tourist hell but they are
very wrong. It may be riddled with travelers but it is still basic. In many
ways, that's the best thing about it. It was one of the most enjoyable
weeks of my life because nowhere else seemed relevant any more. I should
point out one of the reasons for this was that every single girl was
good-looking. Or Thai. (I should add 'Or Both' but truth be told most of
the Thai girls were more Thaksin Shinawatra than Thandie Newton). The
lady-boys are truly terrifying and we all avoided them like the plague.
Restaurant service is so poor that you have to laugh and in a way it is
just a part of the whole Thai joke.
The Full Moon Party is everything people say it is and much, much more. It
is truly the best night out you will experience and there is no point
trying to explain why it is so great, you should experience it first hand.
We partied from 11pm well into the next day and it was amazing to see
20,000 drunk tourists dancing on a Thai beach at 10am.
Some of the views on Koh Phangan are breathtaking and 3 hours on mellow
mountain will make you realize just how beautiful the world is. Or it might
just scare you. Particularly if you are Ed Atkins who ate sand thinking it
was Pringles. One of the most striking things about Phangan (other than the
corruption) is how friendly the people are. Everyone wants to be your
friend and everyone is good-looking. Having said that, Will was attacked
with a flip-flop by a lady-boy prostitute who fails to tick either box.
I stayed in a room with Will whilst Ben and Ed shared and Frank and Jimbo
were in a different Hotel. We also stayed in a hotel with Lucy [Haynes] and
her friends Lucy [Ellingham] and Sophie [Surname], who were awesome,
although I am still thanking my lucky stars that both Bodyform and Panadol
have factories in Southern Thailand. Other than pre-menstrual Public School
girls (who were really good fun), other hazards include the island mafia
who killed a tourist and the police who take more drugs and bribes than
anyone else. I cannot describe Bangkok and Koh Phangan without mentioning
what became known as the 'HEYYYY MA' FRIEND' culture. You cannot walk down
a Thai street without someone trying to sell you one of 'tuk-tuk,'
'ping-pong show' or 'boom-boom.' Or anything else for that matter. I love
the Thai people. They are some of the friendliest people around and, even
if is money-orientated, the whole culture is damn good fun. The mark of a
hospitable nation is when Oliver Francis tries to sell a Tuk-Tuk driver a
Tuk-Tuk and the guy still quotes Only Fools and Horses.
It was with a heavy heart and a very tired body that we moved on from Koh
Phangan to Koh Phi Phi. The 10 hour journey should not go without mention.
Calling the ferry 'HMS Aushwitz' would have been disrespectful had the
entrance not had Arbeit Macht Frei inscribed above it. 7 hours on a ferry
where you cannot stand puts life in perspective. I wanted eggy bread. Thank
god our transfer point was a café. We then had a three hour bus journey to
Krabi in which Ben captured every Pokemon known to man.
We finally arrived in Koh Phi Phi after a 3 hour ferry which boasted no
shade. Ambre Solaire would have had a field day. Koh Phi Phi would have
been beautiful 20 years ago but it got wrecked by tourism. There is a
school of thought which claims that the Tsunami was an act of God against
tourism but if that were true, God wouldn't have created Holiday Inn. What
happened to us on our third night basically justified globalization. But
first the second day. We paid for a boat trip (580baht each) to do the full
monty. We toured every island, jumped off 15 metre rocks, snorkled and
visited The Beach (as in The Beach). Miguel, our driver, was a king. Miguel
might sound like an odd name for a Thai long-tail boat driver but that was
his name. I would definitely recommend that everyone who visits Phi Phi
does this boat trip, you will see some of the most amazing beaches in the
world.
On the third night we enjoyed our second best night in Thailand. Lonely
Planet states, "You will either love Reggae bar or you will hate it." If
you hate it, I don't want to know you. Then again it may not appeal to
females. Reggae bar has three floors. We knew we were in for a good time
when we reached the ground floor. In the centre is a boxing ring. We took a
ringside table with a sex-tourist called Jean-Patrick who boasted that he
"made sex" with 13 'girls' in 8 nights. 0 from 8 meant there was a lot of
time to make up for us. That might be a joke but what follows is not. We
enjoyed boxing bouts between two English friends, two Thai professionals,
two girls and two nine-year-old boys. If Nietzsche wanted a country this
would be it, morality truly was dead. That was the first floor. What lay on
the third floor made up for the rubbish bar on the second. The wet t-shirt
competition lasted almost an hour. Suffice to say it was amazing.
From Phi-Phi was Phuket and in between, the world's greatest ferry. It was
air-conditioned and comfy and the captain put Wightlink to shame. "Please
remember your phone .wallet . passport . Tickets .sunglasses .et cetera .et
cetera .et cetera .et cetera. I can't do him justice.
It is apt that many tourists pronounce Phuket as 'f*** it.' Don't bother
with the place. From there we flew to Singapore where we are now. Thai
police have a shoot-to-kill policy on drug-dealing; Singapore police have a
shoot-to-kill policy on laughter. It is a very sterile society which I find
more than a little suffocating. Prices are higher than London and there is
little to do. Part of the problem is that coming from Thailand, where they
treat you like a king, Singapore leaves you feeling a little insignificant
and empty.
Overall, I have absolutely loved the last two weeks. Thailand is a country
that I definitely want to return to, particularly to delve deeper into
Bangkok and to relive Koh Phangan. I may not have liked Phuket or Singapore
but I'm still glad I went and I still had a huge amount of fun. It has been
two weeks of pure pleasure-seeking, and the experiences and stories that
have come from it will stay with me forever.
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