We were talking last night about how the audience that Gangaji speaks to really is relatively small, compared to most "ministries" if you wanna use that term. When we get together there's usually a pretty small crew. International, sure, but it aint huge.
And the independent arts scene in Boulder has to be pretty small too. There are a lot of things on in Boulder though. So the play we chose to go to was one choice of a bunch.
And the context is this- I met Meg at a Gangaji retreat back home, what?...two years go or three years ago. And I've come here and met up with her to do another retreat together. Our shared love of Gangaji is pretty central to our experience together.
So were sitting in this play tonight, and it was comedy mostly but there was a somber moment where the actor was talking about her experiences in childhood and about love and her relationship to love. And then they hit the cue for an audio piece. And I knew it was her before she even spoke because I listen to her audios a lot, and there's a certain quality to the silence she speaks into... And there she is- Gangaji, talking about love and the whole journey of allowing the heart to crack wide open with love....and that the resistance to that is actually the definition of a broken heart.
In that moment something cracked in me, in the universe- I mean, seriously what the f*** are the odds of that?!? Meg and I just lost it and laughed and cried all at once, and I wanted to stop laughing on one level because no one else was laughing, but Jesus! It was just unvelievable!
I don't buy coincidence. Really. There really is no seperation between any of us. She right there in me, and I just keep loving her right into my day to day. And what she said was true, and I've been thinking about that too these last days. I thought when I couldn't bear to be nearer to Jill right at the end of her life that it was because of my fear and fear alone. But I realised that what I was afraid of was not being able to hold the intensity of my love- I was afraid that the enormity of that love experience would crack me open completely. And it probly would have. But it's nothing to fear. If I can survive this level of self hatred and all it's consequences, then i can absolutely survive my full capacity of love. And if I happen to be wrong, and it blows me apart completely....what a way to go.