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November 27th, 2009
The biggest thing people have problems grasping with Peace Corps is the two year commitment. With that I will try and explain what I have experienced as I have today finished ¼ of that promise. Two years is a long time, and I don't believe I have completely grasped what I have gotten myself into yet. All the same, if I ever want to leave I am not held into a prison here. In fact some people choose to ET (early terminate) which is not impossible. However, I have a bit of a 'do not quit' way about me which would prohibit such an action. Also, in talking to current PCVs they claim that the time will continue to fly by thus making me think I should hold on to every second as it comes.
Two years here is a roller coaster of emotion which you never truly grasp until you leave home and everything you love for such a time. Even when I studied abroad my junior year I don't think I experienced as much emotionally as I have in the last 6 months here. It seems that your mind and body take such a toll from the travel and life changes that it's hard to maintain stability at all times. And, anyone who knows me is aware of the fact that I am one of the most emotionally closed people you will ever meet. Thus, having this time has really made me feel what I tried to ignore for so many years.
So, first we have the low days which seem to drag on at a 'groundhog day' sort of pace. Usually these days begin from the very beginning where you simply wake up on the wrong side of the bed. After being woken by some random animal outside it seems that everything is against you, even the gods of fire who will not cooperate when all I want to do is boil water for coffee. Something is very wrong but you can't put your finger on why you just want to sleep the day away and pretend it never happened. Nothing specific has happened, but you mind is pulling your entire being into a black hole for no apparent reason. Family and friends are a galaxy away and unreachable so it seems that there is no one in the world who can consol you. In addition, on these days I feel that I am doing no good here and am merely wasting money and time just so I can have an African adventure. My mind won't stop thinking of the bad situation I am in and is planning an escape route back to where things are familiar and comfortable. I convince myself on these days that I will call the country director tomorrow and ask for a one way ticket back to the states.
On the flip side, the up days have everyone in the village as someone you want to talk to (and do so successfully in their language) and you wonder how you could have ever had a second thought to coming here. I love the up days as they make me appreciate the experience I am having and show me just how lucky I am to have this time in my life. Not many people get this individual life journey and along the way a small chance to help a few people. On these days I hail Peace Corps and the NGOs in country who are doing amazing things. I feel complete hope for the ability to change things and create development for my temporary neighbors. Mangos are in plenty, friends are just a door away, and my troubles don't look so bad compared to so many other people.
This is what it is like for me and will be for 1.5 years. So, just know that I have this cycle occurring continuously so please don't be alarmed if at times I sound like a charity case in a depression for two years. I am happy on the whole, and I go back to letters and photos from home (especially the amazing album Chrissy and Sarah pulled together for me) to remind myself just how many people are pulling for me. I fight through the bad days because the good ones are literally the time of my life. This is something I will never forget or be able to have at any other time. So, in summation I would not change a thing! And life is good!!
- comments
aunt bridget Sounds like days we have in the states. Wouldn't it be nice once in awhile to stay in bed all day but we are called to do the many many things that we feel pressured to get finished. We have the ability though to call a friend or go shopping. Hang in there Bonnie! Like in golf, you hit a bad shot and want to throw your clubs and give up, but then you have a great shot and it keeps you going for a few more rounds. Talked to your mom today and she was so excited that the two of you were able to talk on Thanksgiving. She misses you but knows you are having the time of your life. Enjoy it now while you are young!! Don't forget, YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!! Love you XOXOXO
Boom Bonnie, don't doubt for a minute that what you are doing is making a difference (easier said than done, I completely understand). I've always said you're going to save the world and I stand firm in my beliefs. I miss you oh so much, but that does not compare to how much I admire you: your strength, your compassion, your determination, among many other qualities that make you so wonderful. The people of Malawi are lucky to have you for the time that they do. Peace and rugger love like WOAH, Boom
Bridget Bonnie!! I know that right now you're going through a tough time. change is never easy, but sometimes dealing with things you've left untouched can be a beautiful growing opportunity, even though you may not feel that way right now. What you're dealing with will make you a stronger person. I think about you all the time. Your selflessness is more than inspiring and you have one of the biggest hearts out of anyone I know. If anyone can do this gig for two years, hands down it is you. So just know that you are far away for right now, but it isn't permanent and we are always thinking of you over here (at least i know i am!!!) i love you. Bridge