When the truly horrible after-effects of the boat finally subsided we decided to man up and stop crying into our lattes. But to do this we first had to overcome some enormously irritating money difficulties, which in America felt like being trapped inside the Crystal Maze (but without Richard O'Brien guiding us while playing harmonica!). The upshot was not us collecting silver and gold foil in a faux crystal dome, but trying desperately to phone home (I bet E.T. ...

We waved goodbye to England and Trudy's stranded family (watching Mandy's broken car being towed away from the port) and we were away! Not knowing how we should start our time on the QM2, we very quickly grabbed the champagne and made a beeline for the outdoor hot-tub. One broken champagne flute and several lagers to the good we headed to the free poker lesson in the ship's casino. There we met an intoxicated Australian called Audrey H. aka Paul, whom we immedia...