i did not manage to go anywhere. i am really jetlagged. usually i am okay, but this time sucked. i can't sleep at night and i want to sleep during the day. by the second day, i just waiting for the sun to rise!
as I was watching the sun rise, i realized that the beauty of my country was lost to me. It's not that I usually just sit and compare it to the USA and think, if only things were much more developed...I really don't. It's just that the things most people see I fail to see.
For example, most people who has ever been to Rwanda usually walk away with a new found love, if it is not the scenery, it is the people. For the most part it is the resiliency that they see, to imagine that these are people who lost everything, but inspite of it, they get up every morning and still manage to sing and dance.
for some reason, i have not managed to see that, the memories i had as a child, have been replaced by the genocide. I had wonderful childhood. my parents were really successful and so i had all that i needed and more. i always tell people that i grew up with lots of space to be a child--i had papaya, avocado, mango, guava and passion fruit trees. all my friends lived near (aline, olivier, annick, marine & dudu) we got to buy popcorn on the way to school almost everyday, and so many other things...so as you can see, all was well.
then in 94 my world was turned upside down...i have spent alot of my life lately trying to understand. i have taken pscyhology classes (learned about how crewlty can be done by anyone) sociology class (class conflicts and inequality) political science classes (learning about roles of governments) all of these have increased my understanding, but still... i have learned to trust less. in rwanda, people killed each other as if they were butchering chicken for dinner. it was not the stranger, it was the neighboor who killed you, the father who forsook his children, the teacher who register his tutsi students, the pastor who opened the door for Interahamwe at his church....
how can i possibly call these, my people? and be proud once again? there is a song by Corneille that sums it all up. he lost his whole family and he talks about about how, in Rwanda, he lost all that he loved, and that he could never go back. but i want to heal, i want to learn to forgive, most of all i want to move forward, and build a future for this nation!
i just don't know how...how to let go.