I was picked up from Cartagena in a fairly fancy people carrier with 6 Colombians and then me squeezed in the back corner. I wasn't entirely sure if this was actually my ride as every time I tried to reconfirm my name and the destination, the driver just kept saying "Si, Linda Martines". Anyway, after 3 hours and everyone else had been dropped off, I was ushered out of the nice car and plonked into a dodgy old van. Just managed to settle myself in that when they hauled me out of that one and put me in an even dodgier van where I had to sit next to the largest woman I have ever seen in my life! She wasn't fat, in fact very toned, but one of her thighs was bigger than my waist! I only had half a seat! My backpack wouldn't fit in the boot so everyone was shoved out of the way to make way for it on one of the back seats and then it kept flying forward and hitting different people on the head every time we braked. About 30 minutes later, there was a burning smell and it transpired that the aircon was about to blow up so they had to turn it off. 36 degrees outside; 136 degrees inside the van and I was physically suctioned to the woman next to me. Nice!

Arrived in Santa Marta which had a very different feel to Cartagena. Much more rough and ready. I was staying in a small hotel - designed, built and run by an Irish architect. I was starving by this point as it was about 8 hours since breakfast so I went for a wander. There are no restaurants in Santa Marta! Finally happened upon the seafront where there were a few empty places so settled down for a beer and some ceviche. The people on the next table started to talk to me - a 60 year old Dutch guy, Gilles, and his Colombian wife and their friend who would not stop staring at me. He then decided he was "enchanted" and totally in love and wanted to kidnap me and he kept coming over and kissing my hand. It all got a bit embarrassing as I couldn't eat my lunch in peace. He kept trying to buy me beer, which I refused, and then finally Gilles told him to leave me alone as I clearly wasn't interested. He wouldn't and then started to say I should go with them to their town, a few kms away. Gilles said I could go and relax in their home and have dinner with them. I was tempted and if it hadn't been for this other nutter, I probably would have done but I wasn't sure what signal that would send him if I agreed so I politely declined!! Went home via the supermarket and got myself some cheese and wine so I could have my own little private party that evening!

On Sunday I woke up in itch hell! I appeared to have brought the mutant mozzie with me from Cartagena and had been eaten alive during the night. It's getting hard to find any white skin on my legs these days, in-between all of the bright red dots! Anyway, I was picked up bright and early to go to Tayrona National Park and Playa Cristal. The tour guide was a teacher and I honestly felt like I was on a school trip. She went round, starting with me, and asked everyone to introduce themselves, say where they were from and what they do. I was the only foreigner on the bus by the way. So, I responded that, for a living I do "nada right now - because I'm travelling the world". This seemed to cause great amusement and everyone applauded. Then we had to sing some songs (and you know how much I hate audience participation) and she kept pointing at me to fill in the gaps. Highly embarrassing and I was in the front seat so couldn't hide. As if that wasn't all enough, we then had to sing a song to the tune of "If you're happy and you know it" and wiggle our fingers around. And there were only 2 children on the bus!

Finally got to the park, thank goodness, and got into a boat to the beach where I was taken under the wing of a Colombian family as they said I could share their shade. The father wouldn't accept my money but kept trying to buy me beer and coconut sweets, the mother just kept grinning at me and telling me how lovely the sea was and the son (young teenager) was clearly smitten and kept sidling over to me every time his parents weren't there and asking if he could help me (with what I'm not exactly sure!!). Very sweet people though.

On Monday I was booked onto a trip back to the National Park to go on a hike to a beach. Once again, I was the only foreigner (in fact, I haven't seen any whities in this town at all). The trek was pretty tough as it was incredibly muddy and stupidly hot. There was an extended family on the trip with a huge fat woman the size of a small planet. She didn't have any water with her and she shouldn't have been doing the trek At first I thought 'good on her' for trying but when she started crying after half a hour, I changed my mind! Lose some weight!!! An older couple turned back as it was too challenging for them and she should have gone with them, for reasons I'll come onto! Anyway, the scenery was pretty nice and the beaches had crashing waves across some huge boulders which were quite impressive. It was great to finally reach one that we could stay at for 20 minutes and cool off. I had just got into the sea when a little boy of about 6 or 7 decided he was going to talk to me (must have had my happy face on today!). He kept shouting at me to watch him duck under the water and then swim to a little boat and jump off. Then he wanted me to do the same! He then asked me why I was wearing sunglasses to which I responded "because I can't see". It was only afterwards after he looked at e oddly and then swam away that he probably thought I was blind!! Ooops!

Right, back to Fatty. After lunch we stated to walk back. After much moaning and balling her eyes out, she decided to get a horse the rest of the way down so we left her with her mate and her mate's 2 teenage children. And that was the last we saw of them for hours, and hours….and bloody hours! We got back to the bus, exhausted, thinking we would be the last ones there but Fatty and friends had not appeared - and did not appear for another 3 hours! The kids arrived an hour after us and said that only one horse had finally shown up and wouldn't take Fatty because she was too damn fat! The kids had gone on it and left their mother and Fatty behind for the next horse. It afterwards transpired that the next horse had shown up (not sure why they only came one at a time but anyway…) and wouldn't take Fatty either. Another one was supposed to come but as time went on, nothing appeared. They had decided to start walking as time was ticking and you know what it's like in this part of the world - light, light, light…..DARK! They had ended up slipping and sliding in the mud all the way down. Some local guys who work there selling water had helped them down and they finally appeared at close to 7.30. The park gates closed at 6! We were all furious as we were wet and cold. I had suggested to the driver earlier that he take everyone else back to town as it was a 90 minute round trip and we figured they would be at least that length of time but of course that wasn't in his instructions or job description and heaven forbid if he starts to use his initiative! So, we sat….and sat……and sat!

I will give the local guys some credit though - they would not accept any money for helping these people and wouldn't even accept a bottle of water. If there's one thing I think that differentiates the Colombians from the other Latin Americans, it's that they don't expect anything for helping or just doing their job and they don't try to rip you off. Very commendable!

By the time I got back to the hotel, I was VERY grumpy. I was cold and could only have a cold shower; and I needed wine and food - in that order! It was a public holiday so no restaurants were open and I couldn't get any food anywhere. Then I discovered that my laundry wasn't ready so yelled at the poor guy on reception. All in all, not a good night!

Woke up on a much better side of the bed this morning (but clearly had a rough night as I was wrapped up in the sheets which and lying on the bare mattress!) and headed to the airport for my flight to Bogota. The x-ray machines were broken so they were searching everyone's hold luggage manually. Of course, mine was like a pressurised can waiting to explode. The guy quickly realised this as soon as he started to unzip it and things started popping out so he just stuck his hand in and then zipped it back up! There was nothing in this provincial airport, not even a coffee shop once you'd gone through security so when people started going up to the desk at the gate and coming back to their seats with a bright pink drink and a chicken sandwich, I thought my luck was in. Nope, I had the humiliating experience of being sent back to my seat with the shake of a head and not understanding what I'd done wrong. After staring at everyone who had food and trying to see what they had that I didn't, I finally realised that 2 flights were using the same gate and they were all on the other flight - an Aires flight - all of which had been delayed after the crash yesterday.

I had requested the emergency exit seat which I got with no questions asked. Quite scary really when, after a 10 second conversation with the stewardess which really only required yes and no answers from me, she determined that my Spanish was good enough to a) follow instructions from the crew delivered in Spanish and b) give verbal orders in Spanish to the rest of the passengers (these were my instructions (bizarrely in English which surely defeats the object!) on the procedures card). Not that I ever wish for something to go wrong on a flight but I was consciously hoping that nothing would happen as I wouldn't know what to say or do!!!

Arrived in Bogota an hour late and was transferred to my hotel which, according to the guy who picked me up, is not in a very safe area at all! Super! No going out after dark for me!