This morning I was doing something mum has always wanted to do, so much so that I actually felt guilty that I was doing it and she wasn't. I am, of course, talking about white water rafting. That feeling soon disappeared though as a squeezed myself into my second wetsuit and helmet in two days. There were eight of us in the raft including the instructor who was a cocky b****** called Gofor. When soon realised how cocky he was when, as we went over the first rapid...

So we were standing in the morning chill outside our hostel for 45minutes before the bus turned up. That was an extra 45minutes of sleep I missed out on. To top it off, out steps the butchest woman called Curry (no joke), proudly lesbian, with a few extra gyres round the waist and builders bum you could park several bikes in, who blatantly didn't mind the fact that she had kept us waiting. A few angry grumblings from passengers, me being one of them, and we were ...

What a pilava there was the next day at the airport! I was flying with Emerates to Christchurch and I was told by the pompous check out guy at the desk that unless I can prove that I'm flying out of New Zealand, I won't be allowed in. As it was I was able to present my round the world ticket just for him to shake his head and say it wasn't enough. Stupid idiot. So I had to reprint my ticket and go up to Air Pacific and check my flight to give the ok to enter the ...

What a pilava there was the next day at the airport! I was flying with Emerates to Christchurch and I was told by the pompous check out guy at the desk that unless I can prove that I'm flying out of New Zealand, I won't be allowed in. As it was I was able to present my round the world ticket just for him to shake his head and say it wasn't enough. Stupid idiot. So I had to reprint my ticket and go up to Air Pacific and check my flight to give the ok to enter the ...