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If I were to draw a picture of my brain I would draw a spiders web!
My brain feels all tangled and confused, with my thoughts being flies, they can't escape and the more they try the more tangled up they get! They are pretty much doomed and slowly suffocating but they're really just waiting for that spider to show up!
It's hard to explain what I mean, I guess because I don't understand what I'm trying to say! I have never been forced to question so much about life before now, and it's tough, really tough, especially as I'm quite aware I'll never be able to answer these questions and so face the fear of forever living in this confusion!
I'm trying so hard to make sense of this mad, unjust world we live in but I'm really struggling. I find myself asking if I'm really doing any good here? or just imposing a culture which is more destructive than productive?! Today I made all the children in this village clinic cry, why did they cry?... bacause they had not seen a white person before, so I ask is this helpful? And if I'm not terrifying them I'm giving them false hope; their mothers desperately seek a cure from me. I was told that I was a gift from god today, this lump in my throat swelled until I felt completely choked, how their hope would be shattered when they discover that I'm actually completely helpless, and that once I've finished being completely helpless I'm going to fly home on a nice aeroplane, back to my easy life where health care is free and most diseases are curable!
Even if we had all the resourses and help in the world, can we actually do good without doing harm? Today a lady came to see me, she had AIDS. I can't begin to tell you how heartbreaking it was, she was in a terrible state. I was so frustrated that she had got this bad before seeking help, then I learnt that we are dealing with something so much more complex than a disease here. This women would have rather died than shame her tribe by revealing that she had AIDS, and the only reason she had come was because she had become so ill that the tribe suspected her condition and rejected her. She was forced to leave her husband, children and the life she only ever knew. Not even the best drugs or the best doctors in the world could save this women.
How useful is my western knowlege of HIV? Can I tell her not to breast feed? No.... because she has no alternative! So what can I do? Sometimes I feel like I might aswell just stand infront of her with my camera and say 'smile'.
I cant help from thinking that this will destroy me far sooner than any difference I will ever be able to make. I'm tring to find a much needed balance in my work, I need to toughen up to do any good but then will I have to compromise who I am? Will I have to become numb to what I'm seeing? All these answers I'm trying find.
Then I feel horrendous guilt because even when I'm being exposed to all this, I manage to think how much I would love a warm bath! How could anyone with any heart think of anything like this?
Then I get into a conversation that throws me right back into that web!
Some African girls are asking me about my life, where my husband is? How many children I have? and so on. I cant describe the pity they felt for me when they discovered that I was here alone and that I had no husband or children! They felt as sorry for me as we do for them! And there it is......... we are so different, we have different cultures and different ideals. And there is really nothing wrong with that, I guess that is what makes the world go round! I guess if you put a girl from Africa in london, you wouldn't expect her to adopt all the life styles of a westerner, nor would you want her to, as that would be terribly sad! So maybe it's not bad to long for a bath? I guess what I'm realising is that I'm in the middle of something very complex and that I have alot to think about!
All my love kate xxx
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