27 MARCH 2012



Dinner last night was to be my first meal on board so I wanted to feel the part.

I came on board with 30 kilos of luggage, which is 66lbs in old money. Probably 16lbs was non clothing, so how could I not find anything to wear? I decided to pop up to a bar and get some decision making Shiraz and mull over my options. Got a tad waylaid by getting off the lift on the wrong floor and finding myself in the library. You know me, can't resist the written word, unless it’s that dull boy Will Shakespeare, oh yes and Karl Marx and Tolstoy.

I digress.

I spent a good half hour looking at the books and then discovered there must have been a hole in my wine glass as the Shiraz had mysteriously drained away. Time to get some more but maybe from a different bar so they don’t think I’m a lush!

I finally decided on the faithful black trousers and a garish orange and black top and then I discovered an utter luxury in the cabin. I have a mini-bar next to my set of drawers which isn’t the luxury but it does seem to produce a lot of excess heat. The luxury is – warm pants!! The top drawer ( 'scuse the pun) is positively toasty.

Oddly enough, the second wine glass appeared to have sprung a leak as well so I decided to pop up to the bar next to the Silhouette restaurant and have a quick schnifter before dinner. I really should complain to Celebrity about their wine glasses.

At dinner I was on a table for 8, I’m crap at names, so I have decided to rename them as follows: A couple from Scotland who will henceforth be called Duncan and Donut, another couple, Punch and Judy, who were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, Julian and his Mum Clairey and me.

Julian’s sister works here on the ship, so I think they probably got a cheaper deal than I did.

Julian is gay, no, Julian is extremely gay and very camp – life and soul of the party, I loved him! He is also a red wine drinker, so we have decided to share a bottle tonight. He disappeared after the starters, which were excellent, I had a goat’s cheese tart. Not sure if the goat was entirely happy to give me her cheese tart though .

We may be eating her later on tonight.

The main courses came out, I had ordered pot roast, as had Julian. Mine was at least half a Friesian, I managed to get Clairey to swap my plate with Julian’s as he still had not returned to the table, but his was still a huge hunk of cow.

We decided to start without him and suddenly there was the pitter patter of feet and an excited squeal from Julian as he ran through the dining room.

‘Oh my God, oh my God, I’m in a fashion show on Friday and I’ve got to wear Ralph Lauren!!! I can’t belieeeeeve it. They offered me Tommy Hilfiger but I told them - it’s Ralph or nothing!’

Apparently his sister had arranged it as a surprise. Most of the other diners just sat there, forks half way, with their mouths open.

We have a waiter who Judy is convinced is the spitting image of Lennie Henry, he is actually called Nicholas but now he is Lennie for the rest of the voyage. He has a lovely smile and can make his eyes so wide that the white bits are all around the pupil – just like our Lennie can. Our Wine-walla is Milos from Serbia, who has taught me thank you – Havalla, or something.

We finally finished our meals, said our goodnights and I was amazed to see that it was 11pm and even more amazed to navigate my way back to my cabin, passing quite a few lost souls who haven’t yet worked out that one side of the ship is odd numbered cabins and the other side is evens. Also the numbers get higher the further away you are from the sharp end.

My bed has a semi circular bottom, as do I, and was extremely comfortable. It had been turned back on both sides and my book placed opened and face down on the covers, as though I had been reading it. At least they didn’t find my PJs and do PJ origami with them. I really hate that. I was very tired so I just crawled in and went straight to sleep, must be all this sea air.

Woke up this morning with a couple of chocolates stuck to my face.

I then remembered that we were supposed to put the clocks back an hour, so it was only 7am. I drew back the curtains and opened the balcony door and listened to the sound of the ship swishing its way to Mexico. It’s very calming.

Breakfast was a buffet at the blunt end on the top but one deck (14th). I managed to find a table right by the rails. I decided to go healthy, fresh fruit and a low fat yoggie, two pieces of Marathon bread and coffee. Ooh that bread is so delicious, think it may be my undoing, or at least one of them. It is a rye bread I think, very moist with nuts, seeds and raisins. Yum.

After brekkie I grabbed a sunbed and settled down with my book. I took a while to find the pool towels as they had hidden them by the bar. Good excuse for a nice cold beer, I thought. It was really boiling in the sun so I had to move after about 40minutes to a shady spot in order not to toast my winter skin.

I was parked by the jogging circuit, which proved to be very entertaining. There are a lot of power walkers on the ship, trouble is I was overtaking them when I was strolling around. The most amusing ones I saw were walking around together, two old boys who looked like tortoises that had lost their shells, even their faces were the same shape! There are also quite a few ugly fat old b*****s who are very rich, with bimbo arm candy.

There should a law against old men (or even young ones) in Speedos.

At midday each day at sea the captain comes on the tannoy and tells everyone our latitude and longitude, the temperature, weather forecast and any landmarks that we may see. Today was the north coast of Cuba which appears to be quite hilly. He also tells us the speed of the boat (14knots) and how deep the sea is. As someone who feels slightly panicky in the deep end of the bath, I really did not want to know that we have 6000ft of the wet stuff under us.

Another clothing quandary tonight. It’s the first formal night. May have to take a camera, lord only knows what surprises Julian will have in store!

We are due to dock at Cozumel about 8am, so I need to set the alarm and remember to put the clock back another hour tonight.