Alright the firm, the Green ere, writing a guest entry to give Gary a break from his dead interesting blogs.
He has asked me not to be too vulgar due to the fact his mother is reading it also, hi Diane.
Bratislava. Dunno what to say about it really, seeing as the most hilarious experience of the trip so far overshadowed anything this city had to offer. To sum up in a couple of words, Sean sharted.
We had an early train, waking up at 6:30am as Markclare, leader of men, had us rise to pack and s***. It was upon waking up and washing my adonis body that we discovered;
A Fallon was asleep locked in the toilet with his brain hanging out of his shorts
B Evo was missing, as he decided to go to El Jubbly castle by himself, before eating himself into a pastry roulette coma.
After that brief sidestory, back to s***GATE. Sean farted on the platform to discover after 10 minutes of the journey a horrid smell was invading the cabin, coming from his wet fart kecks. A quick clean up later, we were psyched up for the rest of the journey to Bratislava, in which I struggled to sleep that well seen as I was in a cabin with Gangrel sleeping with his eyes open and poo boy ready to strike at any given opportunity.
Another sidenote, during an exchange of trains somewhere in Austria, we discovered a little person with grey hair riding on a grey scooter, easily one of the funniest things I have ever seen seeing a woman who looked like an aging Samwise push herself down the track as Frank inevitably asked if she wanted to see his scar.
Once we got to Bratislava, it took no less than a minute for Sam to claim he was scared. A nice man, followed by Markclare, leader of men, directed us to our hostel, in which they tried to con us to sign our life away with a dead necessary 1 day visa, the blerts.
After some cheap pints, 10 of us went to a Slovak pub for a sitdown meal, seeing as all we had ate up until that point was McDoublays or pastry roulette. The food served up included a variety of schnitzel, of which there is no clear definition of in Slovakia. It also included Shepherd's Bag, which did not turn out to be testicles, and Sean's meal of what looked like Voldemort's baby type thing in the last film.
We decided that we would go out that evening to sample what we expected to be reasonably good Slovakian nightlife. Inevitably, we spent around an hour walking around trying to find somewhere that looked reasonable, stopping off for one pint on the way in which poo boy sat in the corner, still harrowed by the experiences of that morning.
During this search for a club, Sam lay on the floor in which a Slovakian man decided to take the opportunity to reveal his manifesto with regards to reintroducing prohibition, shouting "PROHIBITION" repeatedly at Powell, who then saw fit to get a picture with the soon to be Slovakian health minister.
Eventually, we found a club which I think was not, but we called it anyway, the Pirate club. It was full of locals, who apparently do not see the shame in being a 50 year old man with greased back hair bouncing their head back and forth to the lyrics "I've got the magic stick, I'm the love doctor" is acceptable behaviour for their age.
The night would not have been complete without Frank having the opportunity to be jarg. After somehow charming his way into the lures of a Ukrainian who looked about 14, he thought the best way of getting her excited would be to light a fag and start fistpumping, well in, Frank. Naturally, Cuban also managed to get chatting to a nice young lady, except this time she was neither a sweaty troll nor a 45 year old woman in wet look leggings called Pam. As she was Slovakian, there was some degree of a language barrier. Ever the thinker, Cubes decided to use iTranslate to have a conversation that included such riveting questions as "Do you work" or, even more interestingly, "Council, I met my Spanish immigrant, want to dance?", makes perfet sense.
The night ended with a slice of pizza the size of Mikes boulder head, which obviously went down a treat. Sam and Frank also apparently nearly got raped, although that is probably an overexaggeration.
Not sure whether I regret letting Mark have free reign with his entry so, apologies mum.
After Markclare, leader of men, got us up at about 8:00am because we apparently had to check out by 11:00am we decided the best way to cure our Absinthe induced hangover was a KFC (they ran out of beer in the hostel bar so Absinthe was obviously the best alternative). I decided against eating and had a little sleepy in KFC instead because I was feeling particularly grim seeing as it was already 33 degrees and I was wearing a black top as the rest of mine smelled worse than Franks feet and needed washing.
We then just stayed in the hostel common room for a couple of hours playing Foosball and sweating out our hangover before some American woman said "could you guys quiet down some of us are doing work" before returning to browsing Facebook and Youtube.
Me, Markclare, leader of men, Evo, Sean, Powell, Pilks and Jordan got bored and decided to get out and see some of the city which was the whole point of the holiday, taking a detour to Tesco on the way for treats.
We had a wonder round a small square which had the embassies of loads of countries and then headed to the UFO Tower by the bridge which Frank had originally really wanted to see but couldn't be arsed in the end because he "didn't come on holiday to walk around". The UFO viewing platform offered a better view than that of the Slovenian rooftop bar and was definitely worth the walk which has now destroyed my already battered feet. We then chilled in a park for a bit and headed back where I bought a pizza on the way before being told that the hostel doesnt have an oven, sound. Microwaving it was not the best idea in the world so I'm hoping I don't get struck down with food poisoning on the train tonight and end up doing a Sean (which was as hilarious as it sounds). My feet are in tatters now which is down to a combination of walking absolutely everywhere and doing it in flip flops. My feet still arent as bad as Mike's though, who looks like he has trenchfoot.
Night train tonight which I hope turns out alright seeing as me, Markclare, leader of men, Green and Mike appear to have different tickets to the rest of the lads. I'm sure it'll work out fine, we're with Markclare after all.
Still alive and well, mum, had two pieces of fruit in Budapest 5 days ago so I think I'm doing alright.